Baby. Baby! Baby?
January, 30th 2020
Another SOG moment a week or so before our wedding, was when Ken/Martha came back into the front room at Shanti as I was laying down. We had just been talking about the changes of the body on a DNA level when the Christ energies little by little start to increase into a person’s energy. I was doing my best to describe what it had felt like and continues to feel like for me.
As I’m laying down by the blazing fire in the front room, Martha/Ken comes back into the room either with his hand on his belly, or pointing at mine. You know with two people that come into the energies of Christ, the baby that would be born would be created from that energy. You’re going to have a baby, thats going to be the bringer of light, possibly through immaculate conception. I remember it, it was the same night before Shabbat, Jan 30. That baby, I already knew about, but I had accepted that vision under the conditions that I had about 3 1/2 years till she’d be on her way. Her name had always been Lucy. What Martha said, catapulted the night into a completely different direction for me.
I first had to fully embrace that it was Yeshua that I would be with, and have Lucy with, that I had already accepted. It wasn’t that it felt wrong, it was this feeling of feeling a bit betrayed by God that I had to work through since the original vision had been with Judas. The feeling of betrayal came from, seeing a possible future, that I needed to see at that time, that suddenly out of nowhere, took a complete shift.
Once I cried that out, the next thing that popped up was, reconfirming that the baby would be the consciousness of the Buddha, also from the same consciousness as my cousin who had passed away almost exactly one year ago. This I had already seen and accepted, so it was strange for it to circle back around. Well that portion of the story later, would change, once again, but I didn’t know it at the time.
And lastly, I had to accept the possibility that the baby would come much sooner, within a year perhaps, rather than the 3 1/2 years that I originally saw. I imagined 9 months from now, walking in 90 degree weather towards the East Coast with a sore back and a swollen belly. Yep that part was my least favorite part to accept by far. I selfishly wanted time to explore this new chapter of my life without that responsibility so soon added on to the story. But hey as always after the tears had weeped out of me my nights always ended with, whichever way the story goes, Let God’s will be done.
After all, that’s all I wanted, and all I was truly here for.
Needless to say, once again Spot on God strikes again.
February 6- 9, 2020
The rest of that week and the following had the theme of what God had called my Descent into Darkness. Like playing limbo or something, How low could I go? Corny, I know, but thats what it felt like. I knew the result would probably be me feeling completely petrified, but I was willing to go as deep as deep was for me.
First set of instructions were: Go onto Youtube, and type: Worst serial killer cases. That pulled up, The Waco Texas Siege. A story about a man, the alleged word of God, and a who lot of bloodshed. After story after story, including Charles Manson, the Iceman, and a few other infamous stories, it took a while to feel compassion as I sat there and listened to each story but eventually, I did. Then, I was then told to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
The reason for the instructions I knew it was because I still had fears of murder, and fears of “demonic possession”.
As I watched the movie, it brought me straight back to Peru. The vision of Judas on the couch, turning into a demon with horns, and red eyes, and me hearing the word: abortion, abortion. over and over. That story, once again had turned out to be Yeshua’s story. I brought it up to Yeshua a few weeks ago, that vision in Peru I had and he mentioned the woman he’d had a relationship with a few years back, and that there was a very difficult pregnancy and abortion whose pain was still lingering in his consciousness whether he realized it at that time or not.
As I struggled now to sleep even with a night light because I couldn’t shake the black eyes and contorted body of Emily Rose from my mind.
How dark is my week going to get?
God: Dark, but it wont be through you directly.
With that, I expected something interesting to go down, but once again, there was an unexpected twist.
The Wicked Witch of the West.
As our wedding approached I’d noticed that Yeshua was pulled away by hour long conversations with his mom. His eyes seemed a little distant for a day or so, until he finally spilled what was going on.
Yeshua: My mom had two psychics come back with the same thing about you. Both psychics had a very close relationship with Yeshua’s mom, one being a dear friend and another being her sister.
Yeshua: They both said something along the lines of, all they saw was blackness when it came to you, and my mom is in circles of fear. Fear that you’re trying to steal me away from her, and fear that I’ll abandon her.
With me suddenly showing up on the scene which seemed to be out of the blue, I could on a deeper level completely understand how I’d suddenly had become the Wicked Witch of the West. Not to mention, his mom was gut wrenched over months of not knowing where they would move to, after not being able to find the right home for her family. They had to be out by March 1, and it was February and they still hadn’t found a home that met their needs.
But I have to admit that there was pain there for me to move through. I partially felt unwelcome at Shanti, minus Ken and Laz, the rest of the regular frequenters at Shanti were convinced that I was up to some sort of cult, brain washy activity, and then now I added feeling unwelcome at the home in Albuquerque, Yeshua’s mom and family to the mix, I was feeling more sadness about wanting to just love them, and feeling like I was welcome to
I sat there, listening to Yeshua, and I felt confused. I had already gone through the inner depths of darkness in Peru and fully embodied the creations I’d made. I even had fully embodied the energy of Lucifer, it wasn’t a thing to forget. I’d been told that Yeshua would be embodying those energies in the near future and I’d be there to help him through. And now here I was, apparently still with all kinds of dark cracks and crevices that I hadn’t touched into yet? Needless to say, I was still open to moving through whatever needed to be brought up to the surface, and brought to love, but it was tough to handle that this part just…. ain’t over?
Feb 10th, 2020
Like every other Monday evening, we started our How to Become a Christ Group on zoom. Strangely enough, the head of the group gets guidance to start our meditation before reading any conversation in the book. We usually do the reverse.
I felt the surges of energy from God come through, and then an,
Are you ready? From God.
I felt the pinch off sensation that I usually feel when something is up to heal, but the darker energies felt distant and unfocused. I moved to the far side of the couch out of the cameras view, so that the zoom group could continue without viewing what was about to happen to my body. I was then instructed to get on the floor and let the energies do whatever it needed to do through my body. Yeshua and I ended the zoom group early and he began with encircling me with candles and prayer.
As my body continued to thrash around, I was wide open to the experience. I wouldn’t call it the most comfortable when my body started jerking and yanking in all sorts of peculiar movements. Although, my body started to jerk but the expressions were empty. As if they were coming through me, but behind them there wasn’t anything coming up for healing.
I could see how once again, that harmless night of my body moving all in different directions as I laid there in Peru during an Ayhuasca ceremony and I heard this poem from God.
Life unfolds in the dance.
Watch the flower spiral.
Watch the flower dance towards the sun.
All of Life is the dance.
Just let go.
All of that, was all a little preview for tonight. I kept earphones in my ears so I could listen to a recording of an Shamanic Icaros song I had from the ceremony. The more I listened, the more exaggerated my body movements became.
It came in that Lucifer was the energy hanging out. But when I looked in the mirror the next morning, I couldn’t actually feel the energy through me, but now I was way more afraid of the dark than I had been.
Our Tented Honeymoon
Going into the night of our wedding, I arrived to the tent that God told us to sleep in by the cross. It was dark, maybe 7 or so by the time we arrived, The tent’s not within the cross circle, I say slightly panicked. I stood for a minute to see if once again the instructions would come in to move the tent. They did.
Yes the tent has to be in the circle right next to the cross.
An hour or so later, I could feel the higher Christ energies were starting to surge through my body as I laid and held Yeshua. The energy cut off for a moment, and in my mind’s eye, I saw Yeshua standing there, tormented by sadness, but covered up by other things. Things that we were about to get into. I knew parts of the night and in the weeks to come.
God: He’s going to embody Lucifer now.
Me: I love you too, I love you too.
The I love you too, was directed to Lucifer, the one I saw, standing there in my mind, feeling so separate from God.
I love you too. I kept repeating it looking up at Lucifer, now fully lying next to me.
I was holding onto Lucifer but I had little body awareness as the Christ energies continued began to rise. I wasn’t able to make out which parts of his body I was snuggled up next to him. I thought the top of my head was perched under his chin as we laid together under 5 sleeping bags, me still in my wedding dress, freezing my balls off.
In my arms, Yeshua/Lucifer started to crumble, and constrict his body. His breath became constricted and not free flowing. I could see it was beginning.
He realized what I had come to realize already a few days before.
Its Lucifer. It’s been me the whole time. It was all me.
The truth was the energy of Lucifer had been desperately wanting to come forth but the pain, the hatred of God, and the fear was so deeply suppressed by Michael, that it had nowhere to go but projected outwards. We realized that all everything his family saw, and even down to my own body thrashing episode, was the energy projecting outward. He hadn’t been ready to go there, to get into that pain, so it was bouncing off of the people closest to him.
Lucifer: I have to pee, I really have to pee,
The urgency seemed as if there was something coming through that Lucifer didn’t want me to see. He leaves the tent and as the stars were our only light ,and goes to the far corner of the circle. and then I hear it. He later told me what happened first was some sort of tribalistic dancing. I didn’t hear that as much but what i did hear was when he made to laying down on the dirt outside. I could hear his body writhing around, thrashing limbs, and peculiar, animal sounds escaping his mouth. Some sounded very instinctive primal like, and other moans sounding like a wounded animal. It made my episode a few days ago look like a carousel ride.
As I sat in the tent, just waiting to hear what to do or not do next, Lucifer’s energies were continuing to surge higher and higher inside of the larger energy of the totality of the love God. But as I would feel Lucifer’s energy, and the strength of how potent it felt, there was more of a pull to be consumed by it, pulled fully into it. In that moment, I still had feelings of fear, and I wasn’t fully ready to embody that energy just yet.
I felt that most when I started chanting
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
I was chanting from a place of wanting Lucifer’s energy to be almost conquered by God. I was chanting from force without the power of love behind it. And as I chanted from that vibration, I could feel the resistance of Lucifer. It was equivalent to a Fuck You God. You want power? I got your power. I felt the nausea accumulate in my stomach as I chanted. Ahah I’m catching onto a lesson here I thought. I was instructed to do one more thing.
By this time, I could barely move my body, I grabbed my phone, and began to say out loud a prayer that we had gotten a few days before from a friend.
I pray to God to please cleanse, heal, shield, and protect me, all my family members, friends, coworkers, and all our surroundings- our homes, workplaces, cars, places of recreation, and everything around them from Satan, all of his demons, all human beings under his influences, and all the foreign entities, dark shields, dark energies, dark devices, and dark connections. Please fill, shield, protect, and illuminate all of us and our surroundings with your love and light as long as our souls shall exist, and bless us, enlighten us, balance us, transform us, and guide us in the right direction. Please keep us loving, giving, caring, forgiving, and humble all the time.
Please cleanse, heal balance, and open up all of our energy centers and channels of communication with the Light (heaven) as needed, and cover and protect them when not needed.
I form an intent not to be possessed and influenced by any spirits and reject all works of Satan, his demons, and humans under their influences. I also form an intent to accept the works of God and achieve God’s purposes by dedicating my life to God and to achieve my goals and purposes, which I planned in heaven for this life.
As I said it, I could feel again the same thing from Lucifer. Power, I got your power. He felt challenged. Like a child having a tantrum refusing to be overpowered by his parents. I realized the root of the prayer. The prayer had an energy of fear to it. I realized that thats what this world was doing to Lucifer’s energy and what we had been doing. Suppression, Judgement and Excommunication, rather than allowing the energy to just be as it was and where it was. In the love of God, there was no need to command Lucifer out of anywhere, and there was no need to reject anything, not to mention, it doesn’t actually leave it just becomes further suppressed, and further buried.
That was the first half of the night and the first half of the story. It was power trying to overcome power. When I realized this, the second half of the night shifted into only love….