These writings come at an interesting time. A surprise it is that I’m back here typing away, and yet it’s not to me, I guess.
I took a bath just now. And I was thinking of Michael. Mixed thoughts, mixed emotions, but mainly, where do I go from here? How do I keep in touch with him, or should I? This question had become a familiar one to me over the last year. As my consciousness has gone into new and unfamiliar places, in space/time, it creates a noticeable veil/screen/barrier when I communicate even with the people closest to me. The faster I change, the more exaggerated the gap grows. So when it becomes time to “talk” I find myself trying to recount through language to the person in front of me, where I’ve been in the last however many months, what I’ve been “up to” and where I’m headed. These are all space/time questions, reasonable ones that come from human beings. I used to ask them too. Now really, my life consists of how I’m changing all the time. These changes are mainly, non-physical, they are inter-dimensional, and are a far cry from being expressed through this thing that I used to use to communicate with people called “language”. These changes I notice are also unrelatable to the person I’m talking to. At best, I notice some people find the way I communicate now about my life, fascinating, but most as they hear me speak are puzzled. Some of you as you read that last blurb will go……”huh”? And this is exactly what I mean. How do I explain the unfoldment of God in my mind, body and spirit, and all of the internal changes that are expressed as a result through symbols? Through utterances? So how do I talk when it feels like not me anymore? I can write.
Anyways, bath tub, me, just now. So, I listened to God, who had me pop on an audiobook by Tina Spalding that a year ago, brought me into another level in my journey. It was August 23rd 2019 going into the night of August 24th 2019. I remember it. I figured as I sat in the tub just now listening away with my new bluetooth massive sized headphones.
Phew, had to stop mid sentence for a major bathroom break just now. Maybe its my nerves, me coming back to writing. Anyways…
Happy Anniversary. It’s been exactly a year since you started your blog. I flashed back to that crazy time. One year ago and then starting the blog on the 26th. The video I took of me losing my shit as I sputtered utterances through tears to my Aunt Winnie. Then, what I was asked to do next. God said to go around to all the people I had met over the course of the last year to weeks, and with many of them, share my blog. I remember the face of my kid’s Child care director the day after I shared the link. Or the avoidance of others like my Choir director that I met weeks before. She stayed clear of me like I had a bomb strapped to my shirt. I couldn’t blame her. I realized that doing all of that was about me stepping into me. Being able to slowly heal those parts of me that so deeply cared to stay connected to people, and not be separated from others through this new aspect of my journey that would change forever how I related to me and the world around me. Putting myself apart by calling myself God and sharing a blog about it was a surefire way to put a chunky line between being close to my friends, and my family. Yet, it was exactly what I needed.
So anyway. God says the way you’ll stay connected to people at this point will be through your stories. You can share your stories right? Right. I remember. I love writing. I love story telling.
So, I’m writing again. I know some things at this point will be different as I come to another phase of writing. I’m here to share stories. Stories of my adventures, present day, and over the last 9 months. It’s about what happens out there. But a big portion is still, inside here. This body of mine. Things are changing faster than my memory can keep up with it. God wants me to share the changes. I’m also not sure how far God will have me go back into the last several months, for I haven’t shared too much since after Michael and I came together. Like how we said goodbye for now. How other than some occasional texts, we haven’t spoken since June or seen each other. How I’m across the country. How I said goodbye to many people on the West and East coast that I once would’ve said I was close to. How I said goodbye to various spiritual groups that were such a part of my journey a year ago. My time living with Ken, and with Robert in New Mexico. I’ll just wait for God to do the writing, the advising. What I do hope to share, is the learning, the internal changes.
The Heyoka beings that have told me all I needed to know at a given point in my journey, some of which being half truths, that I needed to hear at the time, then integrate, rest and come back to once it was time for more. I hope to tell you about how I learned about Heyoka, from a beautiful woman named Kelly, that sparked something inside of me in her short trip to Shanti Christo back in June.
This time when I write, I wont slow down and speed up the vibration of my words like I used to before. I also used to do a lot of explaining. I tired myself out, and I stopped writing for a while.
Robert one night, explained to me the principle of the abstraction ladder. He explained, as we sat there with our feet kicked up smoking a bong, as a person through words express a concept that they are trying to explain, “up the ladder of abstraction”, the essence of the original object is lost or left out, and the further you are away from the truth, the original thing you were trying to explain. Ahah, I thought, that’s exactly what was happening when I was writing and even talking. I grew a new understanding from that conversation that night.
Other than these being journal entries, God can’t be explained in them. If it lands for a person reading, then it does, if it leaves a person in a state of……. huh, then it just wasn’t meant to land.
I also wont change names and I wont change stories I tell by subtracting information from them. I am here to tell the truth. God decides when and how the truth should be expressed through me so I’ll let God do the writing for me.
Do I write my first story attached to this one? Maybe not, I’ll finish my bath and write a separate entry. I’ll sit in silence for a bit to see what’s to be shared next. I do know that I want my green juice in the fridge before I start.