It was the end of June. Maybe I’d been hanging in the Oc for a week or so. As I drove to Ben’s house, I was unusually calm. And tapping into God, it was deliberately left a mystery as to: what ….happens…. next. As I drove the few miles from Sabryna’s to Ben’s my body was starting to expand up into the higher (God) energies. That unfamiliar familiar feeling that was becoming more normal for me everyday but it was on overload tonight of all nights.
This is going to be…… interesting.
There’s street parking, that’s weird I thought. There’s never street parking in his townhouse complex. I parked somewhere I’d never parked before and walked over to address #33. It feels dreamy. I know. You are stepping more out of time. Life will feel more dreamy as you step higher up into the energies. Okay shhh God, here I go. I turn the knob. Unlocked as usual, and I make my way into the split level living space, down to the stairs to his living room. Ben’s discussing something with his roommate Todd. He’s sitting at the coffee table with his usual tank top and shorts, his thick, semi-muscly arms slightly bulging through baring his white, tattooed skin, His hair was longer than usual. He looked like he’d aged in a few years from the last time I’d seen him, but I realized it was his hair that was different..longer. “Look who it is!” He exclaims.
We hug like we were old friends that were both a little out of sorts to see each other. It took about an hour to ease back into our normal comfort level. “What can I get ya?” Oh, this is weird, he’d never say something like that before. I was so high up in the energies for the first few hours of sitting next to him, I was somewhere in between realizing that I wasn’t dreaming, and doing my best to stay inside my body. I would manage a smile every few moments when he’d say something to me and glance at me.
“You’re quiet” He said as he changed the channel on the tv and playfully slugged my suddenly goosebump activated arm.
I smile some more in agreement, “I’m doing good in here”. I wasn’t about to go into a speech on how I don’t talk as much as I used to. It took maybe 2 hours for him to relax and before long, his ego and mine were politely sitting beside us rather than acting as us. I felt deeply appreciative as I sat there next to him. My body was fully turned to him on the couch now. Whenever I did that with my body when I was with him, I knew that was my energetic signature of comfortableness with him. We were now talking about thoughts. I was doing more listening than talking. “I’m a prisoner Jasmine, to my own mind.” Being with Ben was usually like hanging out with at least two people. One was so connected, relaxed and so sensitive but he didn’t usually come out except for short intervals. Yet tonight was different. He continues “……and for whatever reason today, thoughts weren’t running like they usually do. Today was a different day. It was like it had to do with you coming over, I don’t know it was the only thing that was different. I found myself walking around at like two different beaches, just smiling, no plans, no routine. work didn’t matter.”
It made me happy to hear that, whatever it had to witht. I loved to see him just……. relax. He was so beautiful when he did.
In my thinking, our relationship, our bond, changed our lives, even more intensely changed mine. When I thought of Ben, I couldn’t help but notice that most of my memories of Ben came back to me alone in my bedroom with me being by myself. Except for little glimpses, Ben never let a large enough portion of his guard down to really experience the love that was in the room radiating through each other, towards each other. And thats what this is. Unconditional love through relationship with another person. It’s about how I was changed by the relationship, it’s about me by myself, possibly alone in my bedroom. How I learned to love more deeply, forgive more sincerely, and how I can learn to enter into levels of honesty with myself that were impossible to get to otherwise.
I understood in a deeper way as he talked about work, Beth, and his finances, that the way things turned out, and the way things were, us not deeply intertwined any longer in each others story was just perfect. He really did teach me how to love another person unconditionally.
That person being me. I learned to love myself completely as God through him.
I leaned on his arm. How ass backwards, yet it made sense.
And now it was time I could feel to share some of my stories.
He smiled, “Well tell me what’s been in New Mexico, your adventures. I KNOW you have stories for me why are you holding out?” I gulped. “Well, I guess I’ll start with one of the bigger stories. I got married.” I held my breath and waited for his reaction. Had he been eating, he would’ve choked. If he already knew from Adil or Sandy seeing it on facebook and telling him, he did a great job of pretending not to know. “You’re married? His eyes averted, “wow.”
Well……I went on to say, “we aren’t together right now. Separate life path’s for now.” I felt some sadness come in my throat when I said that part out loud. I found myself saying things to Ben like, “Michael, he’s my person” and “I loved him so unconditionally I was willing to walk away and allow his life to take him in another direction than to intertwine with mine”. I sat there looking at Ben. I was saying this to the man, just months before, I’d saw myself marrying, and spending my life with. As I continued talking about Michael to Ben I felt the love of Ben and Michael melding, filling the room. The vibrations of various emotions were pouring out of me. My heart had been purified. And realizing that was the gift that night.
He took all of what I was saying in and he meant it when he said, “I’m happy for you”. We continued to talk about relationships, and the sham of forced monogamy in general. Honestly, we always found ourselves talking about that. I was explaining how marriage didn’t have to mean imprisonment.
At one point we were outside cruising around in his new car. We took speed bumps in his little development at about 50 MPH. It must’ve been midnight. I’d look over at him in the driver’s seat. Something so simple, yet, we’d never done before. Ridden together.
“Can I sleep over?” I felt funny in the way that I asked but I didn’t want to assume old patterns. He smiled as he shut the screen door of the porch after his cigarette. “If you didn’t sleepover I’d be mad at you.” I smile, we go out to his deck adjacent to his bedroom. ” LOOK AT THE MOON OH MY GOD GET OUT HERE!” We gaze at the moon, talk some more. I snuggle up in his shirt and boxers and I watch him sleep that night. I may have slept 3 hours. I was in ecstasy and I wanted to stay awake. Something always tells me when it’s the last time I’ll see a person indefinitely. I watch them, and lock into my memory every bit of the moment. I watched his gentle snores. His hand that he balls into a fist as he sleeps. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes. The sadness that I felt when I left town in December
Regardless of what happened, I felt at peace that I had had closure with Ben that nigh. I knew now it really was time to let him go for good. We didn’t have sex, because there was nothing that needed to be added to that night. I kissed his forehead as the San Clemente sun peeked out starting to reflect onto the ocean from his bedroom window. “I’m sure I’ll see you before you leave town.” He said half asleep. Another thing I never got to do with him, stay in his bed until the sun came up.
I left there, went back to Sabryna’s and went through the process of now non-physically letting go of Ben a few days later. In the last year, many times I would physically let go of someone, a situation, or somewhere and then only later be faced with the energetic process of letting go of the energy behind what I let go of physically. So basically, I had let go of Ben the “person”, and now it was time to let go of Ben, the energy (the real work). And that’s what happened. It took the help of 14 grams of mushrooms and Sabryna, all in and with God’s direction.
The energy felt like sludge in my lungs and chest. The amount of energy that I had tied up and labeled as “ben” in my energy field was a large amount, larger than I was consciously aware of. As Sabryna sat with me along with her dog Romeo, licking my face repeatedly, helping me through what I was feeling, she says, “Lets smudge everything with Sage.” She’s twirling around her room now doing her Peruvian spirit thing where she inhabits fully an old mother, Native American spirit. She’s smudging her closet now. “We keep old energies in things…..clothing”
Clothing, I thought. I looked down at my outfit, I was wearing Ben’s clothes. It had been a week or so since I’d seen him and I washed them and put them back on. “You said that for a reason”, ” Let me get me out of these clothes, I need the sun.” My physical cling came to holding on through his clothes. I thought I had come back to Orange County to reunite with folks, and really, I came back to float away.
I learned a lot. That people change and sometimes they don’t. I learned that goodbyes can still be deep, but simple. I learned more about the increased beauty of silence. I learned through loving Ben and Michael so totally yet so differently that I had the rest of the world to open with now.
Update: After some traveling adventures with Sabryna, God said to head home. At the end of the month I headed to the Phila/NJ area and spent most of August there. I saw Max, Xander and my sister in Florida for ten days, which was a beautiful time of just being together and being with the boys was very healing for me and I think them. Damien is learning to drive, and I had the amusement of watching my brother teach him how. There was a lot human closure for me that was brought on by seeing them all, and I am really happy that I had that whole month to spend so much of it with my mom. We reorganized most of her apartment, got into juicing, and I got to wait on her a little bit, because I love waiting on my mom. I knew I’d be headed out of the country a few weeks before I left. I left on September 2nd. I am not certain I will be back to the states for a while. I know its best to just say “I have no idea”, unless I do. I’m not sure when I’ll write next. Bye for now…. 🙂