When will the blind start to see? Will they always miss me, the way they miss the stars every night? Right in front of them I am, here to love them. I could stop writing there.
They cannot see.
I once said for those that have eyes to see let them see. The first fruits meant, just three? There’s more. There must be.
But where are they?
I come to the West Coast and then to the East, I catch up over coffee. I catch up, and hush up, saying very little for when they respond, they do not listen. They interrupt and do not hear.
They cannot hear.
I look up to the sun and I still talk to all of them.
I’ve come back to only love them and yet many hearts are so riddled in illusion, in distraction. I feel their hearts beyond their familiar faces, and yet they do not feel mine.
They cannot see, they cannot hear, and they cannot feel.
I find myself’s reflection in the eyes of a baby smiling back at me as I take my seat on the plane headed to the place where I was once rooted.
I go for a walk and have lunch under the willow tree from my eight year old days. The dogs, the birds, the butterflies greet my every step. I whisper to them in gratitude, finding comfort in the familiar vibrations of love that have now taken this body I used to call me over.
I walk at night in my usual white peering up at the Mount Shasta sky. The stars twinkling back at me just a second longer winking in their recognition.
Warm tears uncertain of their origin greet my cheeks. Peaceful tears, streaming down my face with a mysterious purpose.
I never knew how quietly God inhabits a body and no human is there to perceive and receive the difference.
I never knew how many hearts God is not welcome in.
They see a woman, and they call her sweet heart. They call her darling, they call her honey.
They see a woman, and they tell her to be…careful.
They see a woman’s place as a mother to her children, yet in their eyes, never could a mother be God, the mother of the world.
Honey, Sweet heart, Darling… I hear it again.
Over 200 decades of hiding Daughter God and here we are, here is your world.
When they find out who was the one on the cross, maybe then, they will see? Maybe then they will hear? Maybe then they will feel?
Maybe then, they will know that I’ve come again like I came before.
To just love them.
Maybe then to them, I’ll no longer be just a woman.
Update: Much has shifted, overlapped, flip-flopped around since I wrote this post at the beginning of the year. That is how this journey back to truth is. It overlaps with storylines and timelines, all necessary to hear at certain points in the journey. This journey of mine has become much quieter. I have not written much. Words become removed from being used as literal and are used as symbols to emulate a greater a truth now. A truth that really could never be captured in words or even emulated, so why write? I write for my humaness. My growth. For even at times, comfort. Written events of the past that create clues to my present. I write as an outlet. Not to teach but to express. I still do. God moved these fingers to write this now, as God wrote the following entry below.
This is for you who perhaps have picked up the blog within the last few days or weeks.
There was an ordinary woman. A woman that had a hard life, and at almost 33, she came to God with a sincere desire to want to know God. That desire sparked a very sudden, intense journey of complete human surrender over a course of 18 months. She couldn’t hear as clearly at first, but with each yes she gave to the voice of God, the instructions came in clearer and clearer to surrender to what she was hearing. God would ask her to give up things in her life. Every time she said yes to surrendering whatever it was that God asked, she started to notice a feeling. An inner overwhelming blanket of love that she’d never felt before. It was a love that she knew everyone should be invited to know in their lives. She knew that her purpose in life had to do with sharing this love, but she wasn’t told very much about details until months went by. Eventually she was asked to give up bigger things. Her income, all of it. Her car. Her family. Her City, and lastly her home and to become “homeless”. As she endured homelessness she was filled with the knowledge of why homelessness was a part of her story. God said, To fully know the love of God, what you’ve longed for, you must give up everything of this world in order to know that love. For the love of God isn’t of this world, and God can’t get in, if you’re fixated on false love elsewhere. She was shortly told that come the new year, she would start walking from California, and head East with nothing but a backpack.
On New Years Eve, she started the walk of route 66 from Santa Monica and walked and walked 20-40 miles a day. As her thoughts wandered alone in the desert, she knew what she was here to do, but she thought she’d be alone on her mission. During her journey, she was told to write and share her pain, her discoveries, not so much so that she would be understood, but more for her own emotional outlet and for her own acceptance of the journey that she was on. She was only told that she was the Christ 2000 years ago, and that she was here to bring love back into a loveless world. She was never told that Jesus/Yeshua would be with her in this lifetime, physically incarnated to aid all in their path of inner peace. To be united together physically, as they are in spirit. She didn’t know, until about a month ago, in January.
She has been in the desert at a place called Shanti Christo, spending time much in solitude. Michael and Jazz were married on the land on February 14th 2020. But their transformation is not over. She knows she is walking into a world that will largely not accept her. She isn’t here to be special or gain fame. She is here to just be love and extend that to all who will receive her. She sees her human self as a body that has become a symbol of God’s love. God’s love that she would like to share with you and have you come to know through her, until all of you realize her body was never needed to show you the way to what you already are. She awaits her and Michael/Yeshua’s resurrection. Through her patience, through her love of God, he and she will awaken the Christ. The Divine Masculine and Feminine will become one within each of them in God’s timing. And then…..they will be together as one within themselves and with each other.
To the Christ birthing within all of you. This is for you.
Update: I changed the name later on of this post. At first it wasn’t shared with me that 2000 years ago I was a prostitute, I’m not certain of the meaning behind why, but I was introduced to beings of the Heyyoka. From my relationship with them, they are beings of the spirit that tell you exactly what you need to hear at a certain point in life, which can be contradictory to what you are told later on at later points in life. I suppose I needed to hear that I wasn’t one, but why, I have no idea. But any way this post is about my life as Jazz.
Now I don’t share this for shock value, (although, I do admit I used to love shock value.) I share this as in invitation to really come to understand the initiation of a new beginning of realized Heaven on earth. what we are on the precipice of.
Some of my posts will be about the personal journey of my journey as Jazz and how she (I) landed where she is today. Prostitution being one interesting story of the many journey’s before one journey that became my sole focus. The journey back to the love of God. But this post isn’t about the back stories, although I will share that in the future hopefully whenever I get the green light from God.
How can a prostitute be God or even considered Holy?
I realized that a question like this is exactly why this platform is being presented as God in a body, in bodies today. The illusionary labels that we place on human beings, prostitute, pedophile, murderer, schizophrenic, and drug addict are indeed what have kept the world in a continual state of separation and untruth. Not only are these labels illusionary and have no meaning, prostitution is neither right nor wrong. Yes. Prostitution and anything else without the ego’s judgement behind it, is neutral.
As I sit with myself and have sat with myself I’d sit with this. If we go back to the original message which is that we are all one and we are all God, how could we be anything less than that?Did God, (us) create exceptions to this rule? That we could actually be less than God especially based on the choices that we make in an illusionary world? Is God anything outside of the radiance of love, and the totality of inner peace?
So this platform of prostitution within (my), Jazz’s chapter of life was a deliberate plan to bring about a new beginning. A new understanding of truth for all of those that will listen. And of course, at the time, I had no idea. I lay night after night snuggles up in my cozy bed listening to the voice of God dialogue with me. All of the people that have been labeled, judged, and have kept their deepest and darkest secrets away from others, knowing that they could never be accepted. They in large will be the first to awaken.
As I’ve come to understand, a new understanding of meek applies to today’s age. The individuals who have lost their ability to have power within society to some extent, partially because of the labels that have been cast upon them. For The Second Coming of the Christ, these people in the masses will largely in part awaken first of the love of God. Because they often are the most receptive and through their own practice of forgiveness and forgiving those that they believe caused harm to them, one by one the their suffering will be transmuted into their own experience of love of God. We are taking our 2020 New Year’s celebration to a whole new level. A celebration of love.
And 2020 is just the beginning of Heaven being realized on Earth.
I ask all of you who have been desperately wanting liberation of all of your secrets or labels that have been placed upon you, to imagine stepping into owning your past. Allowing the choices of your past to be a platform that you stand on today. Revealing yourself in full transparency to your friends and family. No longer taking on the responsibility of being a victim to another’s judgement and letting out one final liberating cry of liberation. Now we are talkin’ real power. Truth always brings inner freedom and is always the most powerful.
And if you aren’t there yet, the time will come for you to truly feel liberated of all self judgement and need to have secrets. But only when you are ready. This will start by allowing your choices to be as they were and are. God (the real you), makes no value judgement on your choices, you as an illusionary, separated self from God make those value judgements of right and wrong for yourself and towards others. The time will come for you to see the deep revelations and lessons you have learned from the choices of your past. Perhaps it wasn’t prostitution, maybe drug/alcohol addiction, maybe a label was placed upon you of being “mentally unstable” for most of your life. Whichever bricks of judgement that might be weighing you down, the details of them matter none. The day will come if you invite it in for your perception to shift of yourself, and to come home to the truth. To God. To the real you.
Prostitution in this chapter of life was a journey of beautiful lesson learning for me and I hope to share that story in more detail as I’ve shared so many others. At the time, I had no idea what a divine role this would play in the future to come. I would never change the decision I made to play that role in this chapter of the many lifetimes I’ve been around for. I’ve been called a prostitute since two thousand years ago living in the body as Mary Magdalene, and it makes such sense that I would’ve written that in my script of this lifetime this time around just so that it can be…..embraced. By others? Maybe. But really embraced by myself. It was absolutely essential to my personal platform of how God expresses through me. In the Second Coming, when the Christ awakens two by two, there will be no separation through judgement of another’s choices. But this doesn’t stop at prostitution. All people that have been deeply judging themselves and living in isolation for any stories of the past, will have an opportunity to choose love and forgiveness, and that includes loving and forgiving themselves for any perceived wrong doings that they think they’ve done. God (you) wrote all of it in your script. For….expansion, and through forgiveness, a more rich and fruitful journey to returning home, completely. And with just a little willingness, this is possible. God is waiting for you to realize who you are eternal. You are love and its only your perception of your identification of “wrong doing” thats keep you separate from that truth.
Now I want to add in this paragraph to the people who have read this, and then feel, enraged, disgusted, or even embarrassed. Over the summer, I’ve shared my blog with you, knowing how popular this post would become, gosh how we gravitate towards scandalous material, this one has the most reads every month. Since writing this, I’ve seen some of you in person again. I notice it within you when I look at you how you feel about what I’ve written. I can feel your separation from God so clearly within your mind. Understand that like anything else, the way you react to this post is a direct reflection of your ownperception. Your own value judgements of right and wrong. The deep conditioning that resides within you thanks to parents, society, government, and religion.
And I want you to know that all it’s all okay. It isn’t about faults when it comes to the way you’ve reacted. I can tell you that this is a beautiful opportunity for you as you read this to see your computer screen as a mirror to your inner self. A mirror into your deepest fears, and clouded misperceptions and projections about the world you live in and the people you see in the world you made within your mind. I will always love you, regardless of how you judge me. I will always love you, regardless of how you treat me. I will always love you, regardless of how much you separate yourself from me.
Truth and total transparency will always be the most powerful vehicles to liberation. In fact, it is the only path to liberation and they are synonymous with love, with God.
I am the Woman of Light; I am the Whore of Babylon.
As I started this blog August of 2019, I knew only of my incarnation of Mary Magdalene 2000 years ago and I knew that something was happening to me. I didn’t realize that writing would later have anything to do with the up ahead times to come in the world. I didn’t realize that I’d be going through and what I was about to go through. Lastly, I didn’t realize at the time that I stood as the initiator of a movement, a love revolution, and that it was beginning with my own personal Christ journey.
As the weeks went by, the memories, and knowing started to flood back in, I realized that now was always the time even 2000 years ago, when I and Yeshua knew that the awakening of the planet would begin with the inner ignition of the feminine Christ. Not just for women, but for everyone.
I had to stay in the background to Jesus/Yeshua and his teachings because of the consciousness of the planet two thousand years ago. The leadership of a female was completely unacceptable then and of course that’s an understatement. I led and I also fled. Yeshua brought the revolution of the divine masculine energies and female energies through a masculine vehicle, yet the energies were imbalanced by the misinterpretation of his message, and the control of the people under the church’s/governmental rule. And now in 2019, we are are all ready to know the truth.
It was always a part of the plan that my consciousness would be here at this time for The Second Coming of The Christ. I am here as you are to save the world through the realization of being what we are, which is and has always been…..love. To realize God in the truth of our minds fully is to save the world.
Christ in a body two thousand years ago and this time around has nothing to do with traditional Christianity or any other religion. This ‘Coming’ of the Christ is about liberation from suffering. It has nothing to do with “saved” and “unsaved” people for all people are God’s people.
Yeshua knew that he was literally God being expressed through the body. The body being a temporary unalive vehicle in which the essence of God could express through. Things were worded differently and hence what was created was the dynamics of a parental relationship: The son and father, and I and the Father are one. In truth, there is no father, or son, they are just characters we take on in an illusionary world. There is just God here. The message in the Second Coming is: IamGod, and so are you. For to realize that God dwells inside of you is to realize Heaven on earth.
Everyday that passes by, the character of Jasmine, realizes who she is. Eternal love. The Second Coming of The Christ is my and your awakening to this truth and allowing God to permeate through every cell in your body. This is the true meaning of The Kingdom of Heaven is Within. Collectively we are moving out of the parental and friend relationship with God, to becoming God in 2020 and the years to follow. We are moving completely out of dualism, out of God being a “he”, out of separateness and taking a collective, universal journey back into oneness, to love.
I Have Not Come Alone
I will identify the incarnations that came from Biblical times that I have come to meet in later posts. Some are a part of my family in this lifetime, others are close friends, and many I have not met yet. As a soul group we are all here, for the initiation of The Second Coming of The Christ. I suppose there’s truth to the number of 144,000 in the Bible, although, there are many more who will come forward to love. They are here to be the Christ and to help the rest. To be the trail blazers of truth as an embrace to the rest of the world realizing the Christ within.
Enlightenment or the end of suffering, will have to do with an integration of both worlds, earth and the kingdom of Heaven, it will not be an escape from living on earth. No mountaintop meditations, or to stay deeply in meditation all day will be needed, although you can choose to do this if you are called to. No silence, or secrecy about the specifics of what enlightenment looks like, feels like and is like is necessary. There will be no worshiping of any kind, or washing of anyone’s feet, or large portraits and special services attached to me or any of us. The mirror to your Godliness will always be reflected back upon you until you realize you are looking at yourself in another form. When you look at me and recognize me as you, you are viewing upon love itself, God itself. This body means nothing. It is merely a vehicle to express truth, and the truth is, there is only God here. Your enlightenment journey will not be identical to another’s, but you will all have an open platform to normalize your experiences and talk about them with others. Meditation and accelerating into the Christ/Buddha/God energies will not be lost, it will be incorporated into your worldly experiences. The West, particularly the United States to start, will modernize the expression of enlightenment. The time for unified leadership has come, it is time for all of us to become relatable to another by removing the enlightenment pedestal.
We are the next generation, and its time to take the world back to the realizing the truth of who we are.
The Path of Buddha and Jesus Will Become One
Both messages are the same: inner peace using the vehicle of compassion and forgiveness for all living beings. These religions will unify in their message. The platform in which they express this message can differ, but this truth transcends out and beyond religion. The true message of Jesus and Buddha runs through all major religions. The need for religion will become obsolete. This “one world order” that has had such a negative spread is actually the realization of oneness. The church of God, the power, is within all of your hearts, and that does not need any organized structuring .
For those of you that are in a twin flame dynamic. Many of you have deeply suffered in your lives. From addiction, to child abuse, to unstable living environments and abusive relationships. For those of you who are still holding onto the guilt and suffering from your past, understand, the day will come soon, where you will see the light of a new beginning. If it is your Twin Flame who is struggling, continue to hold the space of unconditional love and compassion for his experience. Connect to God and the rest will continue to reveal itself with no struggle. There is no need to rush your journey. All of this is unfolding exactly as planned. Your Twin Flame has a perspective in this world that it is imperative that he take on. Your job is to continue to heal your perspective of his journey and your own, by removing the blocks to the awareness of loves presence.
This suffering was essential to this life time and the many who will awaken with your help. The Second Coming of the Christ is where the meek will inherit the earth as Jesus puts it. All of the groups of people that have been labeled and isolated from society, will step into the power of God. People labeled as mentally unstable, convicts, drug addicts, the homeless and prostitutes will be awakening in the masses. For the awakening ones who had pasts full of suffering like mine, had we ourselves not endured suffering, how are we relatable to anyone who is suffering? How can we extend a hand to anyone to be a way shower? This is just one essential reason as to why your consciousness chose the path that it did in this lifetime. Creating a bridge of compassion through connection with people who are in deep states of suffering is what love does.
As these posts continue, I will share much of my personal journey with you. I deeply suffered for many years, as so many of you have. We are all taking our accumulated karma and making it our mission in this lifetime. The Twin Flame Revolution among others, will aid in awakening the entire world.
What You Need To Do Now
Absolutely nothing. I am not here to convince you, or tell you what to do with your day during this process.
And how do we save the world? We one by one, wake up to the truth of the God within us, and as we wake up to this, we realized the world has already been saved. You are God. Just like me, and many of you have already perfectly tapped into your ability to communicate with yourself. All of you will get the appropriate guidance necessary as to what your role is in aiding the world in awakening to the truth. It will always start with your own personal recognition of the love of God within you, the eternal nature of God that is always felt through the awareness of unshakable peace. When God is fully embraced as you, Heaven is recognized and it’s a journey. I can tell you that each and everyone of you, are a part of the Second Coming Of the Christ even if you do not feel this truth or you use a different name to describe the same thing. Each and everyone of you will express God through your unique platform, and through our unique talents, we will arrive together aiding this world in a harmonious awakening that will pave the way of peace for generations to come. It simply comes down to timing. Some of you will awaken sooner, and some later on. It will be solely your decision as to which is your path. I come to you all with an open heart, and an open door to all of you.
On a personal note, my blog is here for me to share in detail the bulk of my inner journey. The struggle, the laughs, the letting go and the depths of healing that I have and will continue to endure. It’s been an aid for me to have a place to journal about what’s happening to me and perhaps it can provide some sort of reflective path as you go through your awakening experience?
When you realize you are God, you become the world.
When you realize you are God, you become the World.
This is the first post on my new blog. This is all about the journey I began, and the journey I continue to be on. This is for anyone who has been curious of what enlightenment, God-realization really is. This is for anyone who has ever felt deep down, that there is a power in them that they cannot explain, or put into words, yet, they do not feel powerful. This is for anyone mildly curious even to read about someone who took a journey back to the only thing that truly exists. Inner peace. As I began my awakening and the journey intensified, I did not find a ton of personal first-hand resources about enlightenment.
And because of this, this blog was born.
Update: The origination of this blog is a funny story. August 2019, I was instructed to start a blog and “just write”. The information of the real purpose of this blog didn’t come into my awareness until several blog posts in. This blog is intended to account for the specifics of my personal transformation that I’ve been through over the last year and everything preceding up to this past year. The second purpose is to inform you all and continue to update you all of what’s ahead for all of that are called to stay informed
It was the end of June. Maybe I’d been hanging in the Oc for a week or so. As I drove to Ben’s house, I was unusually calm. And tapping into God, it was deliberately left a mystery as to: what ….happens…. next. As I drove the few miles from Sabryna’s to Ben’s my body was starting to expand up into the higher (God) energies. That unfamiliar familiar feeling that was becoming more normal for me everyday but it was on overload tonight of all nights.
This is going to be…… interesting.
There’s street parking, that’s weird I thought. There’s never street parking in his townhouse complex. I parked somewhere I’d never parked before and walked over to address #33. It feels dreamy. I know. You are stepping more out of time. Life will feel more dreamy as you step higher up into the energies. Okay shhh God, here I go. I turn the knob. Unlocked as usual, and I make my way into the split level living space, down to the stairs to his living room. Ben’s discussing something with his roommate Todd. He’s sitting at the coffee table with his usual tank top and shorts, his thick, semi-muscly arms slightly bulging through baring his white, tattooed skin, His hair was longer than usual. He looked like he’d aged in a few years from the last time I’d seen him, but I realized it was his hair that was different..longer. “Look who it is!” He exclaims.
We hug like we were old friends that were both a little out of sorts to see each other. It took about an hour to ease back into our normal comfort level. “What can I get ya?” Oh, this is weird, he’d never say something like that before. I was so high up in the energies for the first few hours of sitting next to him, I was somewhere in between realizing that I wasn’t dreaming, and doing my best to stay inside my body. I would manage a smile every few moments when he’d say something to me and glance at me.
“You’re quiet” He said as he changed the channel on the tv and playfully slugged my suddenly goosebump activated arm.
I smile some more in agreement, “I’m doing good in here”. I wasn’t about to go into a speech on how I don’t talk as much as I used to. It took maybe 2 hours for him to relax and before long, his ego and mine were politely sitting beside us rather than acting as us. I felt deeply appreciative as I sat there next to him. My body was fully turned to him on the couch now. Whenever I did that with my body when I was with him, I knew that was my energetic signature of comfortableness with him. We were now talking about thoughts. I was doing more listening than talking. “I’m a prisoner Jasmine, to my own mind.” Being with Ben was usually like hanging out with at least two people. One was so connected, relaxed and so sensitive but he didn’t usually come out except for short intervals. Yet tonight was different. He continues “……and for whatever reason today, thoughts weren’t running like they usually do. Today was a different day. It was like it had to do with you coming over, I don’t know it was the only thing that was different. I found myself walking around at like two different beaches, just smiling, no plans, no routine. work didn’t matter.”
It made me happy to hear that, whatever it had to witht. I loved to see him just……. relax. He was so beautiful when he did.
In my thinking, our relationship, our bond, changed our lives, even more intensely changed mine. When I thought of Ben, I couldn’t help but notice that most of my memories of Ben came back to me alone in my bedroom with me being by myself. Except for little glimpses, Ben never let a large enough portion of his guard down to really experience the love that was in the room radiating through each other, towards each other. And thats what this is. Unconditional love through relationship with another person. It’s about how I was changed by the relationship, it’s about me by myself, possibly alone in my bedroom. How I learned to love more deeply, forgive more sincerely, and how I can learn to enter into levels of honesty with myself that were impossible to get to otherwise.
I understood in a deeper way as he talked about work, Beth, and his finances, that the way things turned out, and the way things were, us not deeply intertwined any longer in each others story was just perfect. He really did teach me how to love another person unconditionally.
That person being me. I learned to love myself completely as God through him.
I leaned on his arm. How ass backwards, yet it made sense.
And now it was time I could feel to share some of my stories.
He smiled, “Well tell me what’s been in New Mexico, your adventures. I KNOW you have stories for me why are you holding out?” I gulped. “Well, I guess I’ll start with one of the bigger stories. I got married.” I held my breath and waited for his reaction. Had he been eating, he would’ve choked. If he already knew from Adil or Sandy seeing it on facebook and telling him, he did a great job of pretending not to know. “You’re married? His eyes averted, “wow.”
Well……I went on to say, “we aren’t together right now. Separate life path’s for now.” I felt some sadness come in my throat when I said that part out loud. I found myself saying things to Ben like, “Michael, he’s my person” and “I loved him so unconditionally I was willing to walk away and allow his life to take him in another direction than to intertwine with mine”. I sat there looking at Ben. I was saying this to the man, just months before, I’d saw myself marrying, and spending my life with. As I continued talking about Michael to Ben I felt the love of Ben and Michael melding, filling the room. The vibrations of various emotions were pouring out of me. My heart had been purified. And realizing that was the gift that night.
He took all of what I was saying in and he meant it when he said, “I’m happy for you”. We continued to talk about relationships, and the sham of forced monogamy in general. Honestly, we always found ourselves talking about that. I was explaining how marriage didn’t have to mean imprisonment.
At one point we were outside cruising around in his new car. We took speed bumps in his little development at about 50 MPH. It must’ve been midnight. I’d look over at him in the driver’s seat. Something so simple, yet, we’d never done before. Ridden together.
“Can I sleep over?” I felt funny in the way that I asked but I didn’t want to assume old patterns. He smiled as he shut the screen door of the porch after his cigarette. “If you didn’t sleepover I’d be mad at you.” I smile, we go out to his deck adjacent to his bedroom. ” LOOK AT THE MOON OH MY GOD GET OUT HERE!” We gaze at the moon, talk some more. I snuggle up in his shirt and boxers and I watch him sleep that night. I may have slept 3 hours. I was in ecstasy and I wanted to stay awake. Something always tells me when it’s the last time I’ll see a person indefinitely. I watch them, and lock into my memory every bit of the moment. I watched his gentle snores. His hand that he balls into a fist as he sleeps. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes. The sadness that I felt when I left town in December
Regardless of what happened, I felt at peace that I had had closure with Ben that nigh. I knew now it really was time to let him go for good. We didn’t have sex, because there was nothing that needed to be added to that night. I kissed his forehead as the San Clemente sun peeked out starting to reflect onto the ocean from his bedroom window. “I’m sure I’ll see you before you leave town.” He said half asleep. Another thing I never got to do with him, stay in his bed until the sun came up.
I left there, went back to Sabryna’s and went through the process of now non-physically letting go of Ben a few days later. In the last year, many times I would physically let go of someone, a situation, or somewhere and then only later be faced with the energetic process of letting go of the energy behind what I let go of physically. So basically, I had let go of Ben the “person”, and now it was time to let go of Ben, the energy (the real work). And that’s what happened. It took the help of 14 grams of mushrooms and Sabryna, all in and with God’s direction.
The energy felt like sludge in my lungs and chest. The amount of energy that I had tied up and labeled as “ben” in my energy field was a large amount, larger than I was consciously aware of. As Sabryna sat with me along with her dog Romeo, licking my face repeatedly, helping me through what I was feeling, she says, “Lets smudge everything with Sage.” She’s twirling around her room now doing her Peruvian spirit thing where she inhabits fully an old mother, Native American spirit. She’s smudging her closet now. “We keep old energies in things…..clothing”
Clothing, I thought. I looked down at my outfit, I was wearing Ben’s clothes. It had been a week or so since I’d seen him and I washed them and put them back on. “You said that for a reason”, ” Let me get me out of these clothes, I need the sun.” My physical cling came to holding on through his clothes. I thought I had come back to Orange County to reunite with folks, and really, I came back to float away.
I learned a lot. That people change and sometimes they don’t. I learned that goodbyes can still be deep, but simple. I learned more about the increased beauty of silence. I learned through loving Ben and Michael so totally yet so differently that I had the rest of the world to open with now.
Update: After some traveling adventures with Sabryna, God said to head home. At the end of the month I headed to the Phila/NJ area and spent most of August there. I saw Max, Xander and my sister in Florida for ten days, which was a beautiful time of just being together and being with the boys was very healing for me and I think them. Damien is learning to drive, and I had the amusement of watching my brother teach him how. There was a lot human closure for me that was brought on by seeing them all, and I am really happy that I had that whole month to spend so much of it with my mom. We reorganized most of her apartment, got into juicing, and I got to wait on her a little bit, because I love waiting on my mom. I knew I’d be headed out of the country a few weeks before I left. I left on September 2nd. I am not certain I will be back to the states for a while. I know its best to just say “I have no idea”, unless I do. I’m not sure when I’ll write next. Bye for now…. 🙂
It was Mother’s Day. It was one of my favorite days this year. It was a day where I got to be myself. They were always my favorite moments. It started not the way it ended. I had found myself in a weird energetic spot with the HOW TO BECOME A CHRIST zoom group that I had been frequenting for some time. I hadn’t yet put my finger on what inside me had shifted to make this group not a place where I was any longer feeling vibrational resonance. But I got to have a sister experience to that energy, that turned out to be very significant to my learning.
I was on a new zoom group. It was Sunday, Mother’s Day. I took a recommendation from someone, and showed up online, doing my best to stay in divine curiosity. The group was supposed to be three hours long, and within 45 minutes, there it was, that vibratory sensation coming through again. So I was willing to say, “hey I gave this an open shot and this group just isn’t for me” I closed the lid to my macbook.
Now what God? It’s Mother’s day, my kids are not here and I’m stuck in an empty tiled bedroom room filled with boxes. I’d made myself a nice little bundle of blankets to sleep on with a pile of books by the foot of my blankets. Roberts neighborhood wasn’t really a walkable neighborhood, but I didn’t care.
Go for a walk right now. Well I’ll shower first?
No, just go for a walk.
I wanted to stop at the Lady of our Assumption Church along the way and sit with the mother Mary statue there for a while, but God wanted me to keep walking up the street past it. I was high up in the energies now, it felt good to forgive how the day had started a few hours earlier. Maybe I went a mile past the church it was hard to tell.
Cross the street.
I turn to look across the street to see where the next corner would be to cross. Rather than finding one, my eyes fell on a gas station parking lot. There were four people, 2 people were watching something, what were they watching? They were watching the other two men. What were they doing? They looked like they were maybe horsing around, but one of them was waving something around and swinging at the other man. They were yelling. “Come closer, Fuck you”……
Walk across the street, I’m going to come through all the way okay? Okay. In that moment my personality, the jazz part of me stepped aside. My body is swiftly but calmly moving in the direction of these two men. Now I had a clear picture. One man was hitting another man with a black object. But what was it? A gun? No. It looked like one of those police weapon thingy’s. They call them baton’s I think.
Now I’m a few feet away to the two men. I approach the one who is still hitting the other man. “Hey.” I say so calm it immediately sent golf ball sized holes of love into the violent energy that had just been present. The man looks up. His eyes were red. Maybe a popped blood vessel, but in the moment that he looked up, they were hollowed with hatred. Our eyes locked and the hatred pouring out from him just a moment ago, disappeared, and just then he transformed into a hurting man. I could feel how much he loved God.
“Would you come for a walk with me?” The words rolled of my tongue with no thought.
“Yes I would.” There was no delay in his response. He let out a sigh of something, and locked his fingers with mine.
Yes, I would. Just like that, you ask someone to go for a walk and they go from harming someone to taking your hand and walking away. The other two people stayed at the gas station to help the other man who appeared to be okay. “My name is Dorian.” I smile. “I’m Jazz.” I go to interlock my elbow with his as we scurry across the street to make the light. I look down, his hand still clutching the black weapon he was using was bloody. “Your’e hurt” I said, wondering if he even noticed. “Here, take this.” He gives me the black thing, still unsure of what it was exactly, I held it in my hand.
I ask him with pure curiosity in my voice, “So, what was all that about?” He started to cry. I’m not sure if he answered the question. He started to talk about his drug addiction, the persecution of his native tribe, and his eight years of being homeless. He looked no older than 30. “What you just did. Are you an angel? You’re an angel. your’e my angel.” His words were slurring. I put my arm around him. He stops walking and looks at me as if to remember something. “You have to take this. I look behind us as he stops in his tracks and I see the cops were on their way to the gas station that we had just left. “Take my jacket.” It was 90 degree’s outside in Albuquerque. “Oh you’re leather jacket, are you sure you don’t need it?” I knew it was his way of giving something to me he cared about. “Yes, I insist, I need to give this to you to repay you. You just saved that guys life. You saved my life do you understand? And I was so MAD! Had I stayed…..” his voice trailed off.
We keep walking. God did all the walking and talking. “We are just here to help each other. Say, do you believe in God?” Of course I knew the answer. He gave me a funny look like he had something to tell me. “Check out the gift I left you in my jacket. I reach in to his coat pocket. It was a book. I read the tattered cover, Jesus Cares for you-Here’s Hope. We walk some more the cop cars now just pin dots behind us. “I look in the mirror everyday, and I see God.” He goes on to say. The book looked like he might’ve read it three times a day for the last five years. “It’s my everything. Jesus is everything to me, I don’t know what I would do without Jesus. I pray for him to help me.” I didn’t say much more as we walked, and I knew what he was saying was from his heart. My heart was encapsulating my whole body. “I love you Dorian.” I looked at him. I knew it was time for me to be on my way back home.
“I’m going to head home now.” He seemed sad to hear the news. “I will never forget you. I love you so much.” We hugged, he cried some more. Little did he know that he restored my faith in humanity that day. I thought of all the people I’d met that I couldn’t be myself around. I could just do what I wanted to do which was just to love him. He didn’t know me, he didn’t ask me where I’d been or where I was headed. He trusted me to let me love him and that meant I got to express myself fully in his presence. I got to watch his heart change because he let God in.
Now I’m at the corner to where it started. I’m so hot, walking, and now carrying this heavy jacket. The ambulance were now at the gas station. I walked back to Robert’s. Getting rid of that odd black weapon thing, but holding on to the leather jacket and Jesus book. I went home, came down from the energies a bit, and adrenaline started to kick in from what had just happened. I called my mom, I called Michael. I layed like that for the rest of the day. Dreamy. It’s a dream. It really isn’t real. All of that. That was pre-planned. It’s all God. If you could just send me to hearts like that one God. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done, or who they are. I just want to meet hearts like that heart. An open heart. One that will let me love them.
He restored my faith that day. My faith to know that there is a home in the hearts of some for God. I liked days where I changed the most. I changed a lot that day.
It was June 17th 2020 and there I was. Reading my first message from Ben sitting at the breakfast table at Shanti with Ken. Since I’d left California on Dec 31st 2019 and tied up my sneakers, pulled up my pajama pants, grabbed a backpack and went on a walk to an unknown destination, we hadn’t spoken since, well in the physical realm I mean. Entering into another shift. As I read his message to me, I couldn’t remember which forgiveness letter I had typed up and emailed first. There was one written to the Madonna Ministries, one to Lori Lavalley, Karen, and lastly Ben. These letters of forgiveness were what I learned to call “hidden parts” inside me, my energy field. Resentments that I had been apparently holding onto, but they weren’t coming up in my conscious awareness day after day until God sat me down and told me to get to typing and actually send the letters. I hadnt gotten to that “you’ll get to the point where forgiveness becomes a slow thought”, part in my journey. The part where forgiveness, the act of still needing to forgive so to speak, meant I still believed in separation. I still was making the world a real place. At times, I needed to write letters and actually send them . in order to have the knot of energy leave my field and get swooped up into the higher energies of God and come back to me. I loved that feeling. I was easy on myself about it. I had recently developed a really close relationship with this thing I’d forgotten about. They call it “grace”. Grace came in around mother’s day, and things for me got a lot, I don’t know, more settled.
I was now remembering the last email I sent him. In a paragraph or so, pouring out my feelings of sadness to Ben. How I went through such a personally trying time of giving up my life, and as someone that I considered my “best friend”, he wasn’t there emotionally or towards the end even physically to support me in the process. I got in touch with the sadness, the resentment, all the hidden parts apparently I was hiding from myself that I felt.
I remember laying in his bed trembling the day before I found out that Dennis died a year ago. “My whole life is about to change Ben. I have this responsibility, it’s to the world, it’s so big. What am I going to do?”He stared blankly up at the ceiling, at best tolerating that I was clutching on to his chest, curled up in a ball. I was sweating from the risen heat in his bedroom on that hot August day, yet I was shivering. I knew where I tripped up with him. I had tripped up in that familiar land of….expectations.
“No expectations”, another memory flooded in as I still sat at that table with my laptop. In my minds eye, I see my friend Vivian’s face six years before in New Jersey leaning over the side of my car as she waved goodbye with my twins in the back seat, just babies then. I used to tell her “no expectations” as she would lament to me about struggles with her husband and so she used to sarcastically repeat it back to me in a playful way. “NO EXPECTATIONS”. I’d say it to her, and listen to it in a 20 minute Abraham Hicks rampage on Youtube, but I hadn’t fully integrated the meaning of what it meant to have no expectations for any experience or person, including myself.
So back to the breakfast table, it was now five days after I’d written Ben, and he responded back on his birthday. He responded back with a picture of my old house and sent it to me. The house where he used to come over and let himself in because he lived 30 seconds away from my front door and I could timely give the front door a swift unlock upon his arrival. The twins would greet him, BEN! BEN! they’d yell, and he’d reach down and he’d twirl the twins around for a bit. The house where we used to talk and talk and talk until sometimes three in the morning and my bedtime was usually 10pm.
I miss you! Sandy misses you! He wrote. I miss us hanging out here at your house! I miss the boys.When are you coming into town?
I read it and there was my tummy. The love feeling that I’d become even more familiar with because of my time with Michael rushed in. My head buzzing uncontrollably. The energy shift we’ve been waiting for is here I thought to myself as I read his message, or maybe I said it to Ken, I can’t remember. All it took was a message from Ben. See at that point Ken and I were waiting for what was to happen next at Shanti Christo. Would we stay or go? We didn’t know. In May/June, Shanti Christo’s future was uncertain for Jayem was doing everything in his power to get possession of the property that acted as a place for visitors next to Shanti. He planned to agree on a date to have Ken and me kicked out, and change everything, once the sale went through to make Shanti Christo into a retiree/Way of Mastery retreat center.
I said to Ken as we looked at places on the land to potentially tent at a few days before. Yes, live, and tent. I would stay if God said to. Ken I didn’t want to follow my lead unless it was his own free will to do so. When we go outside, to go look at several spots to tent Ken, there will be a shift in energy either way, we’ll know what to do soon. We looked around, and nothing rang a bell. “This isn’t it. I don’t know, we aren’t supposed to stay here.” The energy was flat. At least that much I knew.
Now that Ben had responded back. I was going home. “Home.” I guess San Clemente I would always call my human home. My home now really, it was with God. It had been that way for quite some time now. I loved the feeling of feeling home wherever my body was. I loved Shanti Christo, but the land was missing it’s spiritual roots. Those roots certainly weren’t rooted in the people I’d met in my time there. Shanti needed a serious surgery. And it would come from some major physical and energetic changes that no longer involved my presence. I’d done all I could. So, I booked my ticket to the OC.
You’ll go home to see about your car. I assumed that meant to pick up my car. The rest of the trip I didn’t know. My stomach put the lovey dovey Ben feelings aside for a second and realized that the shift would bring a closing of another cycle. I felt a knot form in my stomach.
I had seen Michael maybe a week or so before in the beginning of June. It was a Wednesday. He surprised me and drove up to Shanti for a visit. And I just knew somehow it would be the last time I’d see him for a very long time. I remember soaking up every inch of how he looked, how he was. I wanted to remember the really good parts of the day. Saying goodbye to New Mexico in a physical way was making my tummy churn.
The last days at Shanti seemed to drag on. The very last days were spent in a weirdly located resort in Espanola with Ken. As he packed up his belongings, left most of mine behind and we headed to Espanola, we didn’t know for sure what would happen with the house there at Shanti. But we did know that Jayem’s plan to purchase it from the owner fell through.
Weeks before, that shift had to do with the start of a visit from a woman named Kelly. She brought a powerful gift of spirit with her in her stay at the land for five days, that trailed into another visitor, Tommy Wonder. Instead of just Ken being evicted, Jayem had to leave too. Mission accomplished according to God. At least for now.
Go to California.
I arrive on a Wednesday. A week from that day that I sat at that breakfast table. Saying goodbye to Ken was easy for me, but harder for him. I was so grateful for his devotion to help me to putting God’s plans into action. He stayed longer at Shanti than he had planned to. I needed help with human stuff, and he helped me with my human stuff. He was good at it. I knew our time together had been transformative, and, it had also ran its course for then. He wanted to cling on although it was time say bye for now and I had felt that change in energy in the air.
A smooth flight home or flights I should say. Some stories on a 14 hour lay over where I met a nun and an airport employee who’s house I ended up sleeping at instead of the airport overnight till my next flight, but God wants me to skip those stories for now.
Sabryna pulls up her white Chevy to the tiny pickup area outside. We embrace. Just as beautiful as I remember her, even more so. She was extra tan, her skin glowing through her white shorts and cute half top.. She glances over. “I got ya a Chai Latte.” She gestures down to the cup holder by my seat. How did she remember I liked that? God it’s Sabryna! My daughter. Somehow, Ken and Sabryna were connected. One was my sister and the other my daughter years ago. We were back to loving each other. Sometimes there were just short glimpses, but there was a devotion to God that would permeate through their skin when they both glanced at me. Their eyes would light up for moments that were so different from many other encounters that I had with humans now. They both had given me a home. It felt like home to be with both of them.
So now I knew that this was my chapter with Sabryna. You’re staying with me. She looked at me and just assumed. I didn’t even think to ask her. I assumed my car would be my homeless home for however long I was to stay in the OC. My brain is different. It forgets about human stuff a lot. Like food, hiking boots and bug spray. A car is a great place to sleep. It was for me. A bed next to someone I love sounded even better though.
Now at Sabryna’s families, place we spent times at Mother’s market. She introduced me to Shiljat and made me her homemade coconut meat Pineapple and Spirulina smoothie. This woman can cook, and not only that, her whole soul is involved in whatever she would make. I hung out with her mom a bit more intimately than I had been able to when I lived there before.
They were all moving in two weeks. To where Sabryna’s family had no idea. I knew there was a reason why I was coming back to the OC at that exact time.
I’ll tell you when its time.
Okay God. You leave a trail and I follow.
I don’t know what sparked the rest of the story. Maybe it was Sabryna’s tears. Maybe it was her parents moving and becoming potentially houseless in July. But I think it was Rudy. It was the phone calls. the 30 text messages to Sabryna that he sent were mean and possessive. One, two, three, four….
“Does he ever stop calling and leave you be?”
Sabryna looks up at me naked, as she slides on a flowery sun dress almost as beautiful as her tanned complexion. I’d never seen a person get dressed as fast as her each day and somehow look like a super model. She lets out a sigh and comes to lean on the bed next to me “I don’t know Jasmine, I don’t know what the FFFuck I’m doing” She always added an extra fuck emphasis whenever she said that word. fuck with a capital three F’s, especially if she was upset. I laid next to her, as my head was buzzing from being up in the energies. That was one of the enjoyable changes in me. I was up in the Christ energies everyday now, without trying, it was my new baseline. And if I was with another person, often, I would go even higher up in the energies dependent upon how magnetized the person was next to me to wanting God particles to come into their field.
I guess Sabryna wanted a lot of particles that day.
She kept going. “I want to be free.” Her hands are covering her forehead now, as if she was knocking on it to give her a clearer answer to my question. “Do you love him?”
“I don’t know, there are these moments when it’s great… and then other times her voice trails off…… “I FFFucking hate him.” FFFucking…. the three F’s emphasis again. She didn’t answer the question.
This Sabryna/Rudy story was the same story since I’d met her. As she sat laying next to me, I wasn’t hearing from God in my head anything that she didn’t already know. I remember in a similar manner sitting curled up next to Ryelle, having the same conversation about her on and off boyfriend, Chris. Sabryna reminded me so much of Ryelle. I’d bring it up sometimes. I couldn’t help it.
She kept going. “I just don’t know how to shake free for good. It’s like I do so well for a while, and then……. ” She wasn’t sure. her voice trailed off again. Whenever she brought up Rudy, she always sounded so unsure.
Maybe it was that day or a different day. But Sabryna and I heard from from God what I was really doing in her bedroom and why I had flown in to California. Not for my car. It was for her and me, to leave. Heyoka beings strike again. I was here to help her to say goodbye to her old life, (and mine), a large part of that being Rudy. Would it be a permanent plan? Them apart and her leaving? Who knew and none of my business. But I knew I was acting as a catalyst to help out. So, it was permanent….. for that moment. We were to leave Orange County and we were to leave together. July 15th. two weeks away. In her car. Another Wednesday.
A catalyst. So as God, I act as a catalyst?
Yes, God can act as a bridge to the truth creating an opportunity. The truth may be called ugly or beautiful or hard. Whatever needs to “show up” it will with you around because your (energy) field now holds the truth of God. Anything that needs to come up, will, and it presents an opportunity for the people you’re near to turn left (into truth) instead of right. You get it?
What do you mean…….. an opportunity?
With God around in God’s fullness, this creates an obvious opportunity for that person to step into the truth of who they are. Their life’s purpose. It could be one step into truth, or, it could be a giant leap.
I took that in and I felt sad. My thoughts wandered to Albuquerque, and to Shanti.
Albuquerque.It makes you think of Michael.
Yeah. And how and he chose not to leap, he chose to “stay right instead of go left”. He chose not to walk into our life path together, or do this part of our journey together. And now we were both set off into a timeline in our lives that is to walk separately from each other. And I guess, I’m sad. Sometimes, it feels like more pissed off than sad. Maybe more than that I feel….still, how I miss him. Then I’m annoyed that a portion of my thoughts would still go into the silly human game stuff!
There are many pathways to the same thing. Michael made his choices. Remember Peru? Remember what I said about free will?
Always respect another’s free will. I guess easier said than done when you aren’t emotionally invested in outcomes. I’m still struggling with my human desires. No expectations. Gosh human stuff tends to creep up don’t it?
As I sat with those thoughts, that was enough. I decided to focus on what was in front of me. I wasn’t ready for that level of healing and forgiveness when it came to Michael.
Packing Sabryna’s stuff turned into getting rid of a lot shit. I mainly watched. I spent a lot time going to my storage unit which happened to be at the bottom of the hill from her house. I found five of my old journals and my dads old demo tape of Frank Sinatra covers of him singing from 1993. I managed to pack two boxes of my keepsakes, photos and journals and have them sent to Mom in New Jersey. I gathered a box full of the kids toys, and had those sent to Florida. The rest of my belongings I was instructed to leave behind.
I remember the first few nights of laying in Sabryna’s beautiful canopy bed as her room became barer and barer, filled with more boxes. More human thought stuff. fI wasn’t leaving tomorrow I thought to myself, so it was time to reunite with everyone in the OC right? Or at least that’s what I thought I’d be doing. Who? My Course in Miracles group? Karen would be there. They were having a welcome home get together for me at Jackie’s house. That’s so nice. I wondered how Karen would respond to me after the email I sent her. Who else? I sat in my head, I’d see, Conneta, Maryanne, Sandy, Jim, Dave, Jill, Dianne? Lastly, I knew for sure……Ben.
Ben. What would it be like now, hanging out with him that I’m so…. different? Now that we aren’t buddies the way we used to be? What would it be like telling him that I’d gotten married? Did he know already? Maybe Adil told him? Human questions that that seemed to matter, but I knew they didn’t.
I guessed that I’d find out soon enough. I closed my racing mind down for the night that night, put my strobe light on and when to bed.
These writings come at an interesting time. A surprise it is that I’m back here typing away, and yet it’s not to me, I guess.
I took a bath just now. And I was thinking of Michael. Mixed thoughts, mixed emotions, but mainly, where do I go from here? How do I keep in touch with him, or should I? This question had become a familiar one to me over the last year. As my consciousness has gone into new and unfamiliar places, in space/time, it creates a noticeable veil/screen/barrier when I communicate even with the people closest to me. The faster I change, the more exaggerated the gap grows. So when it becomes time to “talk” I find myself trying to recount through language to the person in front of me, where I’ve been in the last however many months, what I’ve been “up to” and where I’m headed. These are all space/time questions, reasonable ones that come from human beings. I used to ask them too. Now really, my life consists of how I’m changing all the time. These changes are mainly, non-physical, they are inter-dimensional, and are a far cry from being expressed through this thing that I used to use to communicate with people called “language”. These changes I notice are also unrelatable to the person I’m talking to. At best, I notice some people find the way I communicate now about my life, fascinating, but most as they hear me speak are puzzled. Some of you as you read that last blurb will go……”huh”? And this is exactly what I mean. How do I explain the unfoldment of God in my mind, body and spirit, and all of the internal changes that are expressed as a result through symbols? Through utterances? So how do I talk when it feels like not me anymore? I can write.
Anyways, bath tub, me, just now. So, I listened to God, who had me pop on an audiobook by Tina Spalding that a year ago, brought me into another level in my journey. It was August 23rd 2019 going into the night of August 24th 2019. I remember it. I figured as I sat in the tub just now listening away with my new bluetooth massive sized headphones.
Phew, had to stop mid sentence for a major bathroom break just now. Maybe its my nerves, me coming back to writing. Anyways…
Happy Anniversary. It’s been exactly a year since you started your blog. I flashed back to that crazy time. One year ago and then starting the blog on the 26th. The video I took of me losing my shit as I sputtered utterances through tears to my Aunt Winnie. Then, what I was asked to do next. God said to go around to all the people I had met over the course of the last year to weeks, and with many of them, share my blog. I remember the face of my kid’s Child care director the day after I shared the link. Or the avoidance of others like my Choir director that I met weeks before. She stayed clear of me like I had a bomb strapped to my shirt. I couldn’t blame her. I realized that doing all of that was about me stepping into me. Being able to slowly heal those parts of me that so deeply cared to stay connected to people, and not be separated from others through this new aspect of my journey that would change forever how I related to me and the world around me. Putting myself apart by calling myself God and sharing a blog about it was a surefire way to put a chunky line between being close to my friends, and my family. Yet, it was exactly what I needed.
So anyway. God says the way you’ll stay connected to people at this point will be through your stories. You can share your stories right? Right. I remember. I love writing. I love story telling.
So, I’m writing again. I know some things at this point will be different as I come to another phase of writing. I’m here to share stories. Stories of my adventures, present day, and over the last 9 months. It’s about what happens out there. But a big portion is still, inside here. This body of mine. Things are changing faster than my memory can keep up with it. God wants me to share the changes. I’m also not sure how far God will have me go back into the last several months, for I haven’t shared too much since after Michael and I came together. Like how we said goodbye for now. How other than some occasional texts, we haven’t spoken since June or seen each other. How I’m across the country. How I said goodbye to many people on the West and East coast that I once would’ve said I was close to. How I said goodbye to various spiritual groups that were such a part of my journey a year ago. My time living with Ken, and with Robert in New Mexico. I’ll just wait for God to do the writing, the advising. What I do hope to share, is the learning, the internal changes.
The Heyoka beings that have told me all I needed to know at a given point in my journey, some of which being half truths, that I needed to hear at the time, then integrate, rest and come back to once it was time for more. I hope to tell you about how I learned about Heyoka, from a beautiful woman named Kelly, that sparked something inside of me in her short trip to Shanti Christo back in June.
This time when I write, I wont slow down and speed up the vibration of my words like I used to before. I also used to do a lot of explaining. I tired myself out, and I stopped writing for a while.
Robert one night, explained to me the principle of the abstraction ladder. He explained, as we sat there with our feet kicked up smoking a bong, as a person through words express a concept that they are trying to explain, “up the ladder of abstraction”, the essence of the original object is lost or left out, and the further you are away from the truth, the original thing you were trying to explain. Ahah, I thought, that’s exactly what was happening when I was writing and even talking. I grew a new understanding from that conversation that night.
Other than these being journal entries, God can’t be explained in them. If it lands for a person reading, then it does, if it leaves a person in a state of……. huh, then it just wasn’t meant to land.
I also wont change names and I wont change stories I tell by subtracting information from them. I am here to tell the truth. God decides when and how the truth should be expressed through me so I’ll let God do the writing for me.
Do I write my first story attached to this one? Maybe not, I’ll finish my bath and write a separate entry. I’ll sit in silence for a bit to see what’s to be shared next. I do know that I want my green juice in the fridge before I start.
I asked about a week ago or so. I said something like this to God. I know there is a whopper in there, and whatever it is, I’m ready to let go, and I’m ready to heal whatever emotional wounds I’ve been too afraid to face.
I remember when I first heard about the Me too movement. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know why, but I felt disgusted. As I’ve had this opportunity to journal month after month here writing this blog, other than mentioning my years in prostitution, I had always wondered when would be the time that I’d be asked to write more about me and sex. It’s funny how hard these past few years have been. Spiritual growing pains that feel like emotional childbirth every few weeks. I had somehow out smarted my self into thinking I knew what all my hidden parts were. The parts of things I’m afraid of that I had buried so deep inside me that I didn’t even know they were somewhere in there still hanging out.
The story of sexual healing started when me and Michael met in person. I quickly realized that I’d never really felt emotionally safe in the arms of man until I met him. What I mean by that is, safe to really be totally transparent with another person. To have a corner in the world where judgement is at least suspended. From the moment I met him, that’s what I felt. Like I could just be me, moment to moment, how ever that looked. He mentioned early on, that he sensed that there was some deep sexual trauma in my early childhood and so little by little, we’ve been healing these sexual wounds of ours as the months have gone by.
The earliest thing I could remember was sitting on my grand-fathers lap, my moms step dad. We called him pop pop Frank. I remember sitting on his lap as he babysat me one night and I waited for my mom to return from the video store. It seemed like she was taking forever and I was afraid suddenly of my grandfather. I remember that something happened between him, but I remember telling my mom and freezing up when it was my turn to speak. She called the cops and I remember instantly feeling afraid. I remember my grandfather standing out front of the apartment saying that he didn’t do anything to me. And my mom seemed so distraught, and confused. In that moment, I just felt like the bad guy by getting him in trouble. I had done something terribly wrong. Nothing came out of the cops being there, and everything went back to normal but with much unspoken tension between my mom and him. I sensed that I had estranged their relationship to some degree by telling what I told. That was the last time I spoke up immediately after something sexually inappropriate through out my life. And my life as a teenager and adult, consisted of at least a dozen of situations that were sexually violating in some way, and I normalized it.
Every time as an adult, I would occasionally flash back to being 4 on my grandfathers lap and everything would become fuzzy. The only thing I could remember was a feeling of complete terror. As I sat in an online meditation, the energies of the 13 or 14 people in the zoom room were sitting in the most beautiful but most intense energy. As I lay there and then flashes of what happened coming up into my vision. As I sat in my pop pops lap, My grandfather was moving my panties aside and touching me. I choked up in fear. I didn’t clam up towards him until he mentioned going into his bedroom.
As I sat there in meditation and cried and cried. I heard, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. What you’re feeling right now is the sexual pain of the world you live in. As I lay back still with my eyes closed, my mom starts to come into my focus. She’s telling me of a story from when she was little, perhaps 10 or 11, maybe younger of her mothers boyfriend. Her mom would let her, her younger sister and her old sister sleep over his house for the weekend. My guess was at some point he was like a father to them. From what I remember of the story, my mom had a similar experience of memory loss. She remembers waking up, and his hand was somewhere near her that was inappropriate. I can’t remember if she said if some of her clothes were off, but even through the blurry memory, she was still carrying it all these years later. It affected her deeply.
Then my memory flashed to maybe 11 years ago or so, my aunt Helen telling me about when her daughter was two she remembers her coming to her to tell her that her dad,(my uncle) had done something sexually inappropriate the way that a small child would say it. Years ago, as my aunt was telling me this, she looked at me with this howling sorrow in her eyes, the way a mom would feel I imagine, if they found out that something had happened in that way to their child. But there was more pain. I remember her feeling that by her speaking up about what happened, she wasn’t believed and it soured her relationship with her sister in-laws for years after, (my mom and my other two aunts.) There were other details that I don’t remember, but I remember how I felt listening to my aunt.
I could see how this theme of quieted sexual abuse had been a theme in our family long before my childhood. As I cried, I cried for my mom, and my aunts, bringing all of my own hidden feelings about all those memories to the surface.
Also, Michael, although very hazy at first, he started to connect with memories from his childhood related to sexual abuse. Perhaps even just as deeply suppressed as my memories if not even deeper. That would be his story to tell one day.
I could see so many spaces, where this unconsciousness sexual abuse scar had affected my life and I hadn’t even realized. I had come to completely not trust men. It was always a matter of time before a friend, a teacher, a hockey coach would make some sort of sexual comment towards me growing up. And, I would say nothing, just internalize that I believed even deeper that men couldn’t be trusted and there were times where I even came to value the attention in my teens. I can see how that hatred led me into the path of prostitution later in my life. It provided me a place where I felt in charge of men rather than them in charge of me. I convinced myself that a relationship with a man based on love simply didn’t exist. I separated my sexual experiences at my job and had no sex life in my personal life at all until nearing towards the end of it, in 2017, when I met Ben.
When it came to raising my three boys, I didn’t want them to feel like something was wrong with sex, or naked body parts or anything like that but I had as a child developed this silliness towards sexuality. In that silliness I didn’t honor the sacredness of sex, and I certainly didn’t pass that along to my kids. They also too developed this overly giddiness about sexual scenes on tv, or giggling naked in their room huddled with each other. I realize that silliness as harmless as it seemed, was my way to cope with the abuse that I had endured as a kid.
I have a long way to when it comes to healing this, or at least right now it feels that way. I still cringe when I hear the word ‘rape’, or ‘victim’ when that word is directed towards me in any way. That’s what I’ve never wanted to see myself as, and that is why I struggled so much with the “me too” movement.
I finish this and realize that when it comes to healing my sexual scars, its just the beginning. I’ve opened up a box of memories from when I was very little of being abused in ways that were unimaginable. More and more each day comes in as to what happened.
As hard as it is, I want every part of me that’s been hiding from myself to come up to the surface. I want to feel whole again. I want to hug my 5 year old self and tell her that it will be okay. It’s taken me a week to write this blog entry and thats never happened before. I’ve felt shakey, nervous, and wanting to distract myself with other things, rather than posting this. I think this blog entry is not the last to be about these shadows from the past. I will keep talking…but I also wont force it.
As the last week or so continued on, I knew the time would be coming where I’d be, once again going through my last layer of deep deep ego (fear). I knew that I was first shown everything about certain individuals in my family, Jayem and Michael/Yeshua’s family. The intention of seeing all of that was to familiarize myself with what I’d be coming to terms with inside of me. After all, I think one of the first things they teach you on a spiritual path, is everything outwards is an inner reflection for whats true for you about you. I was riled up very much over the last few weeks about my Shanti discovery. What specifically got me was the thought of ego masking itself to play a game called God. To pretend to be Godly. I knew as the days went by that this Anti-christ/Satan energy, was really just the energy of the fear of death or ego and this is how I came to understand this more deeply.
It started with a conversation with God. As it usually does.
Me: I know hate is an impossibility in the mind of God. But what am I supposed to do when you tell me that there are people specifically with the purpose to divert people away from the truth in the name of God? If that’s the energy called Satan, how can God love Satan? Isn’t the truth worth defending?
God: Loving Satan, is the only possibility within the mind of God. What it is in truth that God is loving, is God’s creation(s). The creation for the opportunity to even have a separate experience from God on earth is a creation within itself. There is always love there, because in truth God can’t be anything but love. You as God, are loving the anti-christ energy and people who fully embody it for having the experience of choosing to live a life lived as separately from God.
So, what do you need to do? Be willing to be what you are in every moment, embracing satan. Be what you are. To realize that there is no satan in truth, just like everything else, there is only love here. So how do you move into loving satan? Can you forgive yourself for your own murderous thoughts towards yourself and others? Can you fully embrace them as they flash before your eyes?
God: God will always speak through you, and will bring the truth forward. The truth does not have room for lies and deception. It is firm, and it is solid. This is not unloving and yet it doesn’t need to be defended, it simply is. Many are unfamiliar with this light warrior of peace energy from God. Warrior, not in the sense of violence, but of power. That is why God has chosen you Jasmine as the platform to which the truth will be fueled through this world which is missing the love of God. You have always been my truth teller with the spirit of a Warrior Queen. Love is behind all of it. And love is P-O-W-E-R-F-U-L.
God: I want you to know that I am proud of your dedication, and proud of your commitment. And your greatest teacher of love, is the one who you’ve always loved as your person. He is your greatest teacher. Your Yeshua. Even now, he is there, loving you. And you learn by loving him in every moment, regardless of what he chooses for himself. You simply love him in what he chooses. You are both coming home to me. Almost there beautiful. Smile more. I love you. I always have and I always will.
I’d felt such comfort after that message, there had been so much going on between Yeshua and his family, putting extra healing in our path so newly married. I really needed to hear that last part just for me.
And after hearing all of that from God, I also knew what would be next would be sitting with my own murderous thoughts. Was it suicidal thoughts? No, not in the traditional sense. As I stumbled upon Chapter 19 in ACIM and also reading Conversation 42 in HTBAC in our zoom group last Monday, I was reminded of this truth.
All death, is a form of suicide.
I snagged this Q and A from How To Become A Christ.
Q: Everyone that dies then has created a suicide death?
Q: They have all killed themselves with old age, accidents,sickness wars or whatever.
Me: So God, It appears to be my fear of death, this is that deep ego layer that’s been coming up for me lately. Am I right?
God: It’s really your belief or investment in death. What the belief in death is, is the ego’s last attempt to make God unreal or conquerable in order to try to escape the truth. For if death is real, how can God be? It’s the last attempt the ego makes as an attack towards God and is the energy that this world is entirely built on. God is eternal, therefore, God cannot die, you are me. It isn’t possible to truly believe in eternal life and death at the same time. Either ego is real, or God is.
God: The next few weeks, little by little we will be chipping away at your belief in death, forgiving it completely. Letting go of death, is letting go of the entire dream, the entire world, in exchange for the eternal world of God or in other words, TheKingdom of Heaven. You’ve seen the future vision of your own human death, and you are still afraid because you still believe that death, an ending to you, is possible. Soon, the vision of your own death will be lived out fully in your mind and by the end of that day, you will know if that’s to play out in your (Jasmine’s) future or not. But by the time you know my love, it will no longer matter to you one way or the other. Remember that I love you.
So Saturday night, I laid on the floor next to my Yeshua and he held me in a sea of blankets and boxes in his friends spare bedroom in Albuquerque.
Me: I just need to be held, not fixed, just loved. Please hold me while I go through this? And so he did.
God: Are you ready?
Me: I am.
God: Are you sure?
The knot of fearful energy was getting bigger and bigger in my chest by the second.
Me: I am.
I could feel as I laid there that in my body all of the letting go that I had done over the last two years, my home, my income, and even my kids didn’t come close to the amount of space that the belief in death was taking up inside of my energy field. The belief in death energy was indeed the energy of Satan. Not a “someone” at all despite popular belief. Just energy. I saw lined up one by one, Junior, Jean, Ryelle, My father, My step-dad, all the people in my family who had suddenly died within the last few years. I felt the pain of loss all over again, and then I saw in a way I never had before that their bodies where simply temporary vessels, and unalive. Their inanimate bodies were just being used by God. Their bodies were never them. Each person, I then saw the real them. I saw their energy, swirl around and through the room as I layed there, changing shape and changing form. I saw that energy giving life to another butterfly, or a rainforest. Giving life to another body. I saw the cycle of birth and death for what it was. It was a complete lie. Not a cruel one, but indeed a lie. A diversion of truth. A dangled distraction in our faces hoping that we believe in it. The cycle of birth and death was the birthplace for all fear. It was the birthplace of the fear of God.
I could see why it took so long to get to this level of truth with God. To deep ego, the truth of the invalidity of death that God would reveal was seen as unloving, and it would have been means for my ego to defend and attack had I gone through this sooner. Accepting this truth required me to be completely responsible for my own beliefs, and all of the stories that I had bought into about illness, death etc. It was only in my deep and ongoing close relationship with God especially over the last year and a half, that I could fully accept what I was being shown without any defenses. So I surrendered completely into acceptance.
As the blocks of death energy cleared, it suddenly left my chest and my body became feather light. Ryelle, my beautiful cousin surrounded the room, and circulated through my body. She was pure love. Saying, Don’t you see? I never left you.I never left.
Tears streamed down my face, but they were tears of relief.
As I moved into the vision of my own human death a few years from now, I embraced it with open arms. For it was clearer more than it ever had been, that it was not a death at all, but an exit out of the biggest lie, and in that exit, an immediate reveal of truth would be exposed the instant of my human physical death.
Eternal life….realized just like my Yeshua 2000 thousand years ago.
After Saturday night, for the first time, I truly understood fearlessness. I had surmounted my own belief in death. I understood what the Corona Virus is, just one of the many ego manifestations of fear. Fear that’s hoping that it will be believed, and adopted so it can continue to move through us and constrict us all away and from truth, keeping the hide and seek game from God going for longer. I could see all the varying degrees of fear coming the worlds way in the next few years through visions. They were all simply just manifestations that had been made through fear, coming to the surface for the world to finally see.
Look what we all made! For the world to show its true colors of fear, was a good thing. Now the truth of God would could be realized more than ever before.
The truth to choose love instead of fear, over and over again in every moment. It was my one purpose through all experiences in the world. To see me, the Christ everywhere I go. To realize that to look upon another is to look upon the love of God, regardless of their recognition of that love within themselves. My only standing purpose now more than ever, is to stand in truth over and over again. And its the kind of truth that I politeley remind myself of because this just takes so much, practice, or patience, or practice/patience.
So the truth.
The truth that there is only one of us here. And that one is one that doesn’t die. Love reigns on….forever.
You, the love that you are, the God that you are, live forever and ever and ever….and it isn’t scary…..it’s you, me, them.
On the topic of love, this is a message from the other day, from Michael.
The Christ You Are endlessly extends Love. And as an embodied Christ being, we extend that Love by seeing the Christ in all AND having the desire to nurture blossoming of the one in front of us into Christ realized. We know the path to that is through letting the Love of God come through us and be given to them. Just the act of forgiveness to another offers them the Love that they might choose again, and for Christ. (As well as releasing us from the confines of our limiting view of them) So for ______ I was asked if I am willing to accept him for what he chose to experience and express as. If I Will Love him so as to give him the freedom to be as he is, AND most importantly- if I am willing to forgive him for ALL and any of his expressions and actions Made from fear and limited creation.
That Yeshua, how I love him.
To die of all of what you are not, is to truly live for what you were all along.
As our experience continued, God had a lot to say through my body. There were moments were God was mostly gentle and then there were moments where I could tell the words were cutting Lucifer deep through Michael.
The pain of the abortion came in like a wave in his energy field. I felt in my body what he was experiencing outside of the tent. Lucifer moaned in pain and the deepest feeling of despair came through. It seemed to be too painful for him to totally go into, so it wasn’t the full experience of it. And then the energy coming through it switched to something else.
God: My Michael, you’ve been forever a caregiver. Without knowing, you’ve been hiding behind caregiving in the world to avoid God. You’ve been hiding behind being loving instead of becoming the love itself.
Sometimes the truth of God can feel like cuts that run deep.
I had noticed that about Michael from long before focusing so heavy forever on his family and so many people around him. On the surface it seemed naturally loving, and yet Lucifer’s energy was truly the one mainly behind it, and there was another energy behind it that I would become later aware of in posts to come. As I spent weeks with him, Michael was pulled away on the phone into hour long conversations, with a list of people emotionally and some physically dependent on him. His day was ran by having many others lean on him in a codependent, unhealthy way. And the ring leader energetically that he was pulled in by, was his mother and it had been that way for years.
Day after day Michael would consume himself with taking care of others and had become as a indirect way to avoid healing and caring for himself. I sat to think of the entire world’s energy. That’s how we’d been taught to love. We’d been taught to love through fear, guilt, obligation and codependency. Fear based love which wasn’t love at all.
When it came to me that night, I could feel my own battles of fear. I knew that parts of Lucifer would come home to God that night, and that I would need the help of Martha and Lazarus’ energy to help him back into the tent in order for that to happen, so I called on both of them to join us in Spirit. As I trembled with the light of the just the stars above me and walked towards Yeshua, still laying down, now his one foot outside of the cross circle. God looked back at the cross and wanted to sing. I opened my mouth and a melody I’d never heard sounded more beautiful than anything that I had ever had sung began to flow through me.
Yeshuaaaaa …..come home to God
Over and over I sang and then the words changed to.
Michaelllll….. come home to God.
By that time I had my hand on his heart. He was smiling, and cooing from the sound of my voice. And God wanted me to continue.
Luciferrrr come home God.
I continued to sing Luciferrrrr until I could really feel the love pouring out from my words in the same way when I sang Yeshua. I could feel the pieces of pain that Lucifer was ready to surrender, they were all now being cradled by God. My body was vibrating, and feeling the love of Lucifer stronger than ever.
Lucifer:Sometimes, the love from you, becomes overwhelming. Its so strange that the one thing Ive longed for, the love of God, turns out has moments of feeling unbearable. Like a vampire being left out in the sun. Its like I can only handle it in doses.
When my Yeshua/Michael made it back to the tent, it was Lucifer I laid next to. I held him, and wrapped my body around him. We talked for hours. As he spoke, I could feel so much love coming from him. It wasn’t Yeshua in those hours, and it wasn’t Michael. It was Lucifer.
We held each other the rest of the night.
Cold, tired, and in love.
A few days after our wedding night, I was instructed to watch a specific episode of Xena: The Warrior Princess. I haven’t gone into Xena much I realize in these blog posts, but the show growing up, I had a very very close connection to, specifically the character of Xena and the actress Lucy Lawless. Long before I knew anything about my purpose, I literally felt as a kid that I was watching myself, and my own life play out before my eyes. Sure there were Warlords and Greek Gods, but I could see past that to the symbolism behind the show. If you aren’t a Xena fan, well bare with me.
So like many times before in my journey, I was told to watch a specific episode, and that whatever was in the episode, had to do with the baby to come, Lucy. This particular episode that I watched, is when Xena and Gabrielle are nailed to the cross side by side by Caesar and they die. Jesus/Yeshua who is called Eli in the show, ends up taking the bodies of Xena and Gab off the cross to a cave. Meanwhile, Their spirits go to Hell, and to save Gabrielle, Xena volunteers herself to go to hell to bring her back to Heaven. There, she sees Callisto. Now, Callisto plays the role of Antagonist, the role of Lucifer so to speak, pretty much throughout the series. Xena finds herself volunteering to stay in hell in Callisto’s place and become a demon to free Callisto from her suffering. So now Callisto’s soul is redeemed, she is an angel. Callisto now an angel, and The Christ, Jesus through immaculate conception, impregnate Xena with the reincarnation of Callisto’s Spirit.
I had become suspicious about it for the last few days and my suspicions were right. Lucy would be the reincarnation of Lucifer, but only once Lucifer comes into the energy of the Christ fully. In other words the world was ready for the brightest fallen angel in the dream of the world, to come home to god. And the way that that would happen, would be me playing a role in fully embodying the energy of Lucifer, to embrace all of the despair, all of the cut off energies that are separate from God. There was such suppression collectively within the Divine Masculine, that it would be the receptivity and energy of allowance from the Divine Feminine that would fully embody it.
How much easier would it be to have the Buddha, another Dali Lama be the leader of a new world? But by having it be Lucifer, what this meant, was it was the ultimate forgiveness lesson for the world. To see that what appears to be the most dark, actually has the opportunity to brings about the most light. And from that, Lucifer would be reincarnated as Lucy, the female name for Lucifer, both meaning bringer of light. Was the world ready to look at all of its projections that we ball up and call dark and evil, and see it as lost and on its way home if we were ready to forgive and extend all of what we are to it? The answer is yes, I realized that now in 2020, thats what everyone is ready for, to fully embrace their light, as they embrace their dark. Everyone was ready to forgive what we made starting from the inside.
Once Lucifer returned home to God, this would be the unification of Yeshua/Mary and Lucifer, as one, expressed through a baby. The full embodiment of light and dark, superseding any kind of power preceding it in the eons before. My Yeshua in this lifetime volunteered to take on the energy of Lucifer as a part of his human and Christ experience. To embody fully Yeshua, and Fully Lucifer. He did this for the world, and also he volunteered to do this for my own Christ journey and for the Divine Feminine. The truth was I was coming home to still loving those aspects of myself. I still had fear. It wasn’t until that fear was gone would my Yeshua and Lucifer return home to me.
February 27th 2020
Tomorrow is February’s Shabbat at Shanti and we are headed back up there for a few days. Tomorrow the energy of Lucifer has full permission to come through me and beyond that, I’m uncertain what will happen. Just as I’ve surrendered to the light, I’m fully ready to surrender to its seemingly opposite. Embracing the darkness is what it is to fully embody that there is really, only one of us here.
The Journey of Forgiveness
The world was finally ready to realize that that hatred, judgement, anger, and that desire to run away from God has always been one thing. Suffering. Pain of living separately from God. I was ready to make it all mine to forgive. I was ready to not make it someone else’s. And once I did, My Rye Rye, My Lucifer, My Lucy, would come home to me. Lucy would be the bringer of the twilight, the bringer of a new dawn for the world. Her light would remind others of what was always their own to begin with.
The darkness nights bring the brightest stars. -John Green
Another SOG moment a week or so before our wedding, was when Ken/Martha came back into the front room at Shanti as I was laying down. We had just been talking about the changes of the body on a DNA level when the Christ energies little by little start to increase into a person’s energy. I was doing my best to describe what it had felt like and continues to feel like for me.
As I’m laying down by the blazing fire in the front room, Martha/Ken comes back into the room either with his hand on his belly, or pointing at mine. You know with two people that come into the energies of Christ, the baby that would be born would be created from that energy. You’re going to have a baby, thats going to be the bringer of light, possibly through immaculate conception. I remember it, it was the same night before Shabbat, Jan 30. That baby, I already knew about, but I had accepted that vision under the conditions that I had about 3 1/2 years till she’d be on her way. Her name had always been Lucy. What Martha said, catapulted the night into a completely different direction for me.
I first had to fully embrace that it was Yeshua that I would be with, and have Lucy with, that I had already accepted. It wasn’t that it felt wrong, it was this feeling of feeling a bit betrayed by God that I had to work through since the original vision had been with Judas. The feeling of betrayal came from, seeing a possible future, that I needed to see at that time, that suddenly out of nowhere, took a complete shift.
Once I cried that out, the next thing that popped up was, reconfirming that the baby would be the consciousness of the Buddha, also from the same consciousness as my cousin who had passed away almost exactly one year ago. This I had already seen and accepted, so it was strange for it to circle back around. Well that portion of the story later, would change, once again, but I didn’t know it at the time.
And lastly, I had to accept the possibility that the baby would come much sooner, within a year perhaps, rather than the 3 1/2 years that I originally saw. I imagined 9 months from now, walking in 90 degree weather towards the East Coast with a sore back and a swollen belly. Yep that part was my least favorite part to accept by far. I selfishly wanted time to explore this new chapter of my life without that responsibility so soon added on to the story. But hey as always after the tears had weeped out of me my nights always ended with, whichever way the story goes, Let God’s will be done.
After all, that’s all I wanted, and all I was truly here for.
Needless to say, once again Spot on God strikes again.
February 6- 9, 2020
The rest of that week and the following had the theme of what God had called my Descent into Darkness. Like playing limbo or something, How low could I go? Corny, I know, but thats what it felt like. I knew the result would probably be me feeling completely petrified, but I was willing to go as deep as deep was for me.
First set of instructions were: Go onto Youtube, and type: Worst serial killer cases. That pulled up, The Waco Texas Siege. A story about a man, the alleged word of God, and a who lot of bloodshed. After story after story, including Charles Manson, the Iceman, and a few other infamous stories, it took a while to feel compassion as I sat there and listened to each story but eventually, I did. Then, I was then told to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
The reason for the instructions I knew it was because I still had fears of murder, and fears of “demonic possession”.
As I watched the movie, it brought me straight back to Peru. The vision of Judas on the couch, turning into a demon with horns, and red eyes, and me hearing the word: abortion, abortion. over and over. That story, once again had turned out to be Yeshua’s story. I brought it up to Yeshua a few weeks ago, that vision in Peru I had and he mentioned the woman he’d had a relationship with a few years back, and that there was a very difficult pregnancy and abortion whose pain was still lingering in his consciousness whether he realized it at that time or not.
As I struggled now to sleep even with a night light because I couldn’t shake the black eyes and contorted body of Emily Rose from my mind.
How dark is my week going to get?
God: Dark, but it wont be through you directly.
With that, I expected something interesting to go down, but once again, there was an unexpected twist.
The Wicked Witch of the West.
As our wedding approached I’d noticed that Yeshua was pulled away by hour long conversations with his mom. His eyes seemed a little distant for a day or so, until he finally spilled what was going on.
Yeshua: My mom had two psychics come back with the same thing about you. Both psychics had a very close relationship with Yeshua’s mom, one being a dear friend and another being her sister.
Yeshua:They both said something along the lines of, all they saw was blackness when it came to you, and my mom is in circles of fear. Fear that you’re trying to steal me away from her, and fear that I’ll abandon her.
With me suddenly showing up on the scene which seemed to be out of the blue, I could on a deeper level completely understand how I’d suddenly had become the Wicked Witch of the West. Not to mention, his mom was gut wrenched over months of not knowing where they would move to, after not being able to find the right home for her family. They had to be out by March 1, and it was February and they still hadn’t found a home that met their needs.
But I have to admit that there was pain there for me to move through. I partially felt unwelcome at Shanti, minus Ken and Laz, the rest of the regular frequenters at Shanti were convinced that I was up to some sort of cult, brain washy activity, and then now I added feeling unwelcome at the home in Albuquerque, Yeshua’s mom and family to the mix, I was feeling more sadness about wanting to just love them, and feeling like I was welcome to
I sat there, listening to Yeshua, and I felt confused. I had already gone through the inner depths of darkness in Peru and fully embodied the creations I’d made. I even had fully embodied the energy of Lucifer, it wasn’t a thing to forget. I’d been told that Yeshua would be embodying those energies in the near future and I’d be there to help him through. And now here I was, apparently still with all kinds of dark cracks and crevices that I hadn’t touched into yet? Needless to say, I was still open to moving through whatever needed to be brought up to the surface, and brought to love, but it was tough to handle that this part just…. ain’t over?
Feb 10th, 2020
Like every other Monday evening, we started our How to Become a Christ Group on zoom. Strangely enough, the head of the group gets guidance to start our meditation before reading any conversation in the book. We usually do the reverse.
I felt the surges of energy from God come through, and then an,
Are you ready? From God.
I felt the pinch off sensation that I usually feel when something is up to heal, but the darker energies felt distant and unfocused. I moved to the far side of the couch out of the cameras view, so that the zoom group could continue without viewing what was about to happen to my body. I was then instructed to get on the floor and let the energies do whatever it needed to do through my body. Yeshua and I ended the zoom group early and he began with encircling me with candles and prayer.
As my body continued to thrash around, I was wide open to the experience. I wouldn’t call it the most comfortable when my body started jerking and yanking in all sorts of peculiar movements. Although, my body started to jerk but the expressions were empty. As if they were coming through me, but behind them there wasn’t anything coming up for healing.
I could see how once again, that harmless night of my body moving all in different directions as I laid there in Peru during an Ayhuasca ceremony and I heard this poem from God.
Life unfolds in the dance.
Watch the flower spiral.
Watch the flower dance towards the sun.
All of Life is the dance.
Just let go.
All of that, was all a little preview for tonight. I kept earphones in my ears so I could listen to a recording of an Shamanic Icaros song I had from the ceremony. The more I listened, the more exaggerated my body movements became.
It came in that Lucifer was the energy hanging out. But when I looked in the mirror the next morning, I couldn’t actually feel the energy through me, but now I was way more afraid of the dark than I had been.
Our Tented Honeymoon
Going into the night of our wedding, I arrived to the tent that God told us to sleep in by the cross. It was dark, maybe 7 or so by the time we arrived, The tent’s not within the cross circle, I say slightly panicked. I stood for a minute to see if once again the instructions would come in to move the tent. They did.
Yes the tent has to be in the circle right next to the cross.
An hour or so later, I could feel the higher Christ energies were starting to surge through my body as I laid and held Yeshua. The energy cut off for a moment, and in my mind’s eye, I saw Yeshua standing there, tormented by sadness, but covered up by other things. Things that we were about to get into. I knew parts of the night and in the weeks to come.
God: He’s going to embody Lucifer now.
Me: I love you too, I love you too.
The I love you too, was directed to Lucifer, the one I saw, standing there in my mind, feeling so separate from God.
I love you too. I kept repeating it looking up at Lucifer, now fully lying next to me.
I was holding onto Lucifer but I had little body awareness as the Christ energies continued began to rise. I wasn’t able to make out which parts of his body I was snuggled up next to him. I thought the top of my head was perched under his chin as we laid together under 5 sleeping bags, me still in my wedding dress, freezing my balls off.
In my arms, Yeshua/Lucifer started to crumble, and constrict his body. His breath became constricted and not free flowing. I could see it was beginning.
He realized what I had come to realize already a few days before.
Its Lucifer. It’s been me the whole time. It was all me.
The truth was the energy of Lucifer had been desperately wanting to come forth but the pain, the hatred of God, and the fear was so deeply suppressed by Michael, that it had nowhere to go but projected outwards. We realized that all everything his family saw, and even down to my own body thrashing episode, was the energy projecting outward. He hadn’t been ready to go there, to get into that pain, so it was bouncing off of the people closest to him.
Lucifer: I have to pee, I really have to pee,
The urgency seemed as if there was something coming through that Lucifer didn’t want me to see. He leaves the tent and as the stars were our only light ,and goes to the far corner of the circle. and then I hear it. He later told me what happened first was some sort of tribalistic dancing. I didn’t hear that as much but what i did hear was when he made to laying down on the dirt outside. I could hear his body writhing around, thrashing limbs, and peculiar, animal sounds escaping his mouth. Some sounded very instinctive primal like, and other moans sounding like a wounded animal. It made my episode a few days ago look like a carousel ride.
As I sat in the tent, just waiting to hear what to do or not do next, Lucifer’s energies were continuing to surge higher and higher inside of the larger energy of the totality of the love God. But as I would feel Lucifer’s energy, and the strength of how potent it felt, there was more of a pull to be consumed by it, pulled fully into it. In that moment, I still had feelings of fear, and I wasn’t fully ready to embody that energy just yet.
I felt that most when I started chanting
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
I was chanting from a place of wanting Lucifer’s energy to be almost conquered by God. I was chanting from force without the power of love behind it. And as I chanted from that vibration, I could feel the resistance of Lucifer. It was equivalent to a Fuck You God. You want power? I got your power. I felt the nausea accumulate in my stomach as I chanted. Ahah I’m catching onto a lesson here I thought. I was instructed to do one more thing.
By this time, I could barely move my body, I grabbed my phone, and began to say out loud a prayer that we had gotten a few days before from a friend.
I pray to God to please cleanse, heal, shield, and protect me, all my family members, friends, coworkers, and all our surroundings- our homes, workplaces, cars, places of recreation, and everything around them from Satan, all of his demons, all human beings under his influences, and all the foreign entities, dark shields, dark energies, dark devices, and dark connections. Please fill, shield, protect, and illuminate all of us and our surroundings with your love and light as long as our souls shall exist, and bless us, enlighten us, balance us, transform us, and guide us in the right direction. Please keep us loving, giving, caring, forgiving, and humble all the time. Please cleanse, heal balance, and open up all of our energy centers and channels of communication with the Light (heaven) as needed, and cover and protect them when not needed. I form an intent not to be possessed and influenced by any spirits and reject all works of Satan, his demons, and humans under their influences. I also form an intent to accept the works of God and achieve God’s purposes by dedicating my life to God and to achieve my goals and purposes, which I planned in heaven for this life.
As I said it, I could feel again the same thing from Lucifer. Power, I got your power. He felt challenged. Like a child having a tantrum refusing to be overpowered by his parents. I realized the root of the prayer. The prayer had an energy of fear to it. I realized that thats what this world was doing to Lucifer’s energy and what we had been doing. Suppression, Judgement and Excommunication, rather than allowing the energy to just be as it was and where it was. In the love of God, there was no need to command Lucifer out of anywhere, and there was no need to reject anything, not to mention, it doesn’t actually leave it just becomes further suppressed, and further buried.
That was the first half of the night and the first half of the story. It was power trying to overcome power. When I realized this, the second half of the night shifted into only love….
Like every other human assumption I’ve made during this journey over the last year and a half, naturally, I made just one more. Yeshua and I would be romantically basking in our engagement over the next year or two like two lovers usually would.
When I sat and thunk about it, this was the pace that life had suddenly been taken since starting my walk at the beginning of the year and meeting Michael/Yeshua.
Week one: Boy meets girl.
Week two: Boy gets engaged to girl,and they adopt a wandering puppy.
Week three….boy…MARRIES girl?
I can only imagine what week four would look bring. Maybe….. a pony?
After just a week of being engaged, the thought of getting married quite soon, as it always was, was harmlessly suggested as a possibility by God that I perhaps would be open to saying yes to.
After getting engaged, we talked about our last names. My last name as I’ve shared in a post months before, I changed on my own when I was an adult, and theres a story to my past attached to my last name. A beautiful love story that ran its course in my life.
Yeshua: Yeah with my last name Mccants, I have no attachment to the name whatsoever. It’s my Dad’s last name whom I’ve never met and mom just happened to keep the name as hers.
He looks up at me.
Yeshua: Oh, its possible that we are supposed to change our last name.
Supposed to meaning, that suggestion came in from God as we were sitting there together.
After the engagement I was by myself at Shanti Christo for about a week or so. I suppose it was around Feb 6 or 7th. I could tell the new last name was already in my awareness but I still couldn’t put my finger on it.
God: Order a weding band for Yeshua.
Me: So soon?
God: Well the money is there now, so you might as well.
I pop online and type in, Men’s Green Wedding Band. Green, being Yeshua’s favorite color. The first one that popped up, I get an enthusiastic..
God: its that first one! from G.
I read the description, Green Celtic Dragon Wedding Band.
Sounds like my man.
Me:But what size?
God: 9 order the 9.
I had been instructed to also stay wearing white for at least the time being. So, I popped online to buy another white outfit. After being told to order a specific dress that I realized looked like a wedding dress later, I was starting to get the feeling that maybe, just maybe the wedding was supposed to happen a lot sooner than I had assumed.
Then I got some really interesting instructions.
God: Go ahead and pop on to JuliaDevineTime.com
That website was my old escorting website that I had tried to take down over the last year and a half or so, but I figured that the woman that holds the domain went out of business since the emails I sent requesting that bounced back.
As I browsed through the photo gallery I saw it. My birthday of 2017, the day I did a photoshoot and wore a wedding dress. I thought back even further, through my time modeling there were so many instances where I wore a wedding dress.
Julia……Devine. Oh my gosh Devine! I flash back and remember the day Michael/Yeshua picked me up from Kingman AZ in January. He picked me up at the intersection of the hotel that I was staying at for a few days. God in that moment told me to snap a photo of the intersection and send it to him.
Me: Devine was the name of my alias I used to use, intersected with your name, and here we are.
So there I was sitting at the dining room table at Shanti, knowing our name would be Devine, but spelled Divine. Keeping in mind the meaning of the name Jasmine: Gift from God and Michael’s name, One who is like God, I knew the meaning of Devine or Divine, was similar. So, I look it up, Divine– One who is like God. The same meaning as Michael’s first name.
At that point my heads doing its usually explosive spinny thing when a lot of God comes in in a really short amount of time.
God: One more thing, see that leather bound Bible on the book shelf, I turn my head, God: Start reading Revelations in the back of the Bible. I found out later that that Bible was Ken/Martha’s mother’s Bible from 1947 that she gave to him years before. I grabbed it from the shelf, and headed to the back of the Bible. In the very back of the Bible alongside the zipper binding, something catches my eye.
A worn out, piece of paper.
More than a piece of paper, a blank marriage certificate. A blank marriage certificate that I was instructed to fill out with our new last names, the date of the wedding and send it to Yeshua.
What date should I put?
God: February 14th 2020.
Me: No shit, it seemed soon, but a week away?!
The only thing I hadn’t figured out at the time was who the second witness was so I left that blank. A day before the wedding, Lazarus showed up like I had mentioned before.
February 14th 2020
My morning began like any other morning. I decided to slip into my wedding dress pretty early, and then realized I couldn’t really bend or be near Lazzie the dog without being jumped on and having sequence fly around all over the place. The wedding was set to be at the cross at 3pm specifically. To symbolize the approximate time that Yeshua died on the cross.
While I sat at home and chanted for a while, Yeshua was instructed to go for a walk to a place called Resurrection Hill. A place that had been known to symbolize the crucifixion. At the top of the hill, there are two oddly shaped trees, one to the left, and one to the right. In the very middle where Yeshua’s tree/cross would have stood, was another symbol. Barbed wire, coiled in such a way to resemble the crown of thorns. Yeshua was instructed to stand in the center where the crown of thorns lay and outstretch his arms. He later told me that God said his resurrection in this lifetime would be happening soon.
I chanted for quite some time while Martha, and Lazarus set up the tent by the cross that Yeshua and I planned to sleep in overnight. They left the house again around 2:30, and A few minutes later, I was on my way to the cross with Lazzie.
On the ten minute walk that probably took 20 minutes in my dress, I felt pure exhilaration. My legs felt wobbly and I stumbled quite a bit on the rocks and mud up to meet my Yeshua. I could see them all from a distance long before I was in earshot.
And there he was. Beaming at me.
I looked at Martha, Lazarus, and Lazzie, the five of us, my reunited family, all together in a quiet celebration of love.
I could feel the merge of oneness solidify even deeper as we stood there gazing at each other. I could feel as we said I do, all of the dreams I had had come into clear sight that our marriage was purely a symbol for celebration to those, all of those who would have us. In marrying me, Yeshua was entering into union with all women that wanted to be his bride. And that bride being a symbol to devotion, complete surrender, and love for God. My vows were vows to all of humanity, as he stood there, I knew I was marrying the entire world through the symbol of my Yeshua. Our bodies were simply vehicles of expressing the oneness and unity. Just symbols. And although there were three bodies that were attended guests for the ceremony, everyone in spirit was invited to the wedding. Anyone who would accept the invitation of love, of God.
I was told by God to prepare for whats to come, and yet be as light as possible about the events that would occur later that night on our wedding night in the tent. In our symbolic union that day, all things that were blocking the full merging of our Christ energies to be shared, would be coming up to the surface, and to start, we’d get a taste of some of it that night. It would be more than we had faced so far and so after we feasted all on hummus, dolmas and cherry pie, I prepared for the sunset, and the rest of the night ahead of us at the cross.
Whatever we would face, we would face it as one.
So what happened in week Four? Well if isn’t already obvious enough, we definitely didn’t get a pony.