Sacred Valley Peru: The Final Darkness

Everything in the following account of last week, actually happened and here I do my absolute best to use words to account for what happened.

When I woke after the second Ayhuasca ceremony, a new streak of calm overcame me. I felt that the Shamans of last night with their ceremony, literally wrapped me up in their knowingness. As they sang their Icaros, it sounded like a lullaby singing, Jasmine, we know why you are here, we are just waiting for you to realize the same thing.

It wasn’t their job to reassure me that they knew, through my own awareness, it was my job to discover that they knew all along.

I sure as hell knew I wasn’t making this shit up for the last year. and I was damn sure that I wasn’t crazy.

The Final Ayhuasca Ceremony Part 1

I went into the third ceremony like a blank slate. I could feel the energy, it felt like, say, grand finale energy. Whatever was going to happen, it was large, but I didn’t care. I thought only a few times of what I had said to Jake the first night: God will show Godself by the end of the week, but I didn’t care because caring led to expecting. I didn’t care because I was physically exhausted from caring. I didn’t care because not caring meant I kept my peace.

What I did spend brief moments pondering, was some of the visions I saw in detail the night before. I still wanted the how to portion to how I could accomplish some of the things I saw.

How will I know the exact moment that I’m supposed to walk into the fire to save that family ? Or what I saw me walking into in the Middle East? What about the Tsunami? How will I know it’s time to insert myself? Will my body feel different? What will be my sign to act, my green light to go into ACTION? Especially in a moment when I’m feeling more human than God? C’mon God, give me the “How To Become God in a Body” manual, as long as I have the manual then ,I’m not afraid. Rather than reading a book, I wanted to be inserviced by God.

Now it was time to go into ceremony.

Okay switching the subject, I should back track and mention, that it was brought to my attention about a month before that my Twin Flame Judas had not only been Judas in a past life the one that betrayed Jesus. His consciousness also represented Lucifer, and almost worse that that, his consciousness also represented Hitler. The Adolf Hitler.

So going in, I knew at some point, things would get very dark during ceremony. I knew because I still fully refused to claim that Hitler piece in full of myself. You see your twin flame is always a projected manifestation on the surface of all of the things you’ve decided were too dark or hard for you to claim as you. So they show up, literally as a face to face opportunity for you to meet the forgotten you, so you can claim it, love all of you, and forgive it.Lifetime after lifetime, I had usually played the Angel, the on earth savior. Isis, Athena, Joan of Arc, Mary Magdalene and now Jazz. I was the good guy in the story. and now I had to get ready to meet the “bad guy”.

About 10 minutes into ceremony, the man whose cot was directly in front of mine, started acting very peculiar. In the darkness, he was making strange squeaking sounds, but quickly became very noncompliant to the rest of the staff. He was interrupting the Shamans, asking to go outside, making all kinds of noises etc, and some were even funny at first.

Yep Yep YEP!!


No No No No!

It wasn’t long before the energy in the room went from dark, to very evil.

As I closed my eyes, and the Icaros escaped from the voice of the Shamans, I could feel the power of God come face to face with all of my ego’s manufacturings of darkness. I would get pulled into the nausea of my stomach that desperately wanted to throw up but couldn’t, and the minute I remembered my nauseous stomach, I would get pulled back into the egoic fear still stored in the body. Afterall the body was the ego’s storehouse, it’s temple, it’s God.

As my eyes were closed, I could clearly see every demon I had made within my mind projected out into the room from my consciousness. These projections were literally demons. For the first time, I got the Company of Thieves song lyric we are all our own devil, and we make this world our hell, in a completely new context. I swirled in fear and nausea keeled over the barf bucket until I knew what it was time to do.

I had to become my hidden self. I had to meet the Hitler in me. My mind immediately went to the 1940’s and I could see myself standing there as Hitler himself, slaughtering people with my commands to others who obeyed my every word. I watch each person die, and felt the responsibility of each life pack onto my shoulders like a layer of bricks. I could physically feel the responsibility, and guilt of putting a million people to death in my physical body. I thought I’d die from the guilt, and physical weight of that on my consciousness. But in a thought, I immediately knew first hand that that was what it felt like to live in Judas’ body everyday.

Almost simultaneously to my thought I heard forgive the illusion that you made and then in the next scene, I landed next to Judas on the couch in his living room. Now that I had embraced the Hitler in me, it was time to not fear the Hitler in him. It was time to open my arms and not be afraid of the darkness we had both made so real. I saw his face contort and become demonic. His face changed colors, his eyes became red and his head grew horns.

In the middle of his metamorphosis, God whispered in my ear…..Abortion. As if I’d been told before, I knew the meaning of the word. Judas was carrying the weight of guilt from his girlfriend having an abortion years ago. But he never told me that Tess had had an abortion, and I wasn’t certain that he’d told anyone. The baby that he’d never met was a boy. I saw his face contort into a look of searing pain. The face that was a demon just a moment ago turned to a face filled with sorrow. I turned my body fully in his direction and whispered with my hand on his heart, I know what you went through Judas, you can let it release off your heart now, its okay to set yourself free and let go of the guilt.

I embraced him in my vision knowing that I’d have to when the time is right, tell him in person what I had come to know when I got back from Peru.

Back to reality and back on the cot during ceremony, I landed into safety and purged into the bucket. Purged some more only to find myself now facing a demon much darker than what I had just faced.

Lucifer and Buddhism

Lucifer also of Judas’ consciousness. But the energy of Lucifer wasn’t alone, in this scene he was ran by an organization within the illusion of earth that I knew very well.

The same demonic “ego” presence was of Daisaku Ikeda, the President of the Sokka Gakkai International Nicherin Buddhist Organization. His face was now contorting into terrible shades just like Judas’ face in the scene before. I’d already known that he’d taken the power of the Buddha’s message, and used it to build an empire of fame, wealth and power for himself. He used part of the truth, which was appearing to do a bunch of wonderful things for civilians with the underbelly truth of what his real agenda was, which was to keep the people asleep and dependent on the organization. This immediately explained why such a large Buddhist Organization had such a small amount of people that had tapped into an enlightened state. many had become sleepwalkers to the organization thinking they were following a way of empowerment, but rather, aiding an organization in oiling its wheels, propagating the expansion of a religion and yet the programming was so tight that they all had no idea. And yet, Ikeda was merely an illusionary character playing the role of “villain” just like all the others, just like Judas, just like Trump and just like Hitler. Doing his job, so that we can finally, wake up and forgive the world we made with one embrace.

The Devil’s Finale.

I thrash in bed and the energy of Lucifer continues and now it flashes to a new scene, the devil’s grand finale had finally come. I watched from a birds eye view a memory play out, my beautiful Aunt Kathy, sick from fear. When I was little, our love for God bonded us and she was always very special to me. Everyone thought that she was mentally insane, and had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia 23 years ago, but I’d recently come to know that story much differently. In the memory I viewed, she sat rocking back and forth in a chair that she hadn’t moved from in weeks, rolling and cocking her head side to side, Her hair matted to the back of her sweaty head and neck. Spitting and cursing at anyone who came through the door, claiming that Jesus Christ is the Savior and that he was here.

As I watched the vision, now for the first time, I knew what had happened 23 years ago.

Aunt Kathy’s devotion to the Catholic church that she trusted in so dearly, that she dedicated her entire life to, had been the one thing that caused her to become so sick.

The Catholic church was actually ran by hiding energies of The devil, the egoic manifestation of what it means to take the power of God and contort the truth into making people fearful. Thousands of years of fear based programming. Furthermore, through that fear, and that separation from the truth, a nation of people are controlled and kept asleep. Let me rephrase, 2 billion people are controlled and kept asleep. I saw once again that the Bible was a fraud. It took small sections of the truth and wrapped that truth with fear based lies that propagated human unworthiness, needing to be saved, being a sinner, the fear of the antichrist, demonic possession, the apocalypse and of course, judgement day.

The entire world in truth was deathly afraid of God, and the Catholic church was and if anyone was the Antichrist, it was in fact the Catholic church.

It suddenly all clicked.

Back in the room, in that exact moment of realization, the Devil manifest shows up in the temple. I suddenly hear violent shaking from across the room. Over in the far corner, a woman’s body was practically being thrown off her bed from convulsions. She was making noises that weren’t coming from her. It was a complete projection of everything I just saw with my aunt, now in the room for me to unafraid myself of.

Now Sam, the man across from me and this other other woman are loudly acting out, together in demonized unison.

So this is what all those exorcism movies are. Demons are a projection of fear within our minds. There is no Demon or devil only the ingredient of fear that allows a “demon” to be made manifest. But indeed as long as the fear ingredient is present, it LITERALLY manifests.

Wow, this is some heavy illusionary shit, I thought.

I blindly in the darkness, take my final purge and rid myself of all of it. Hitler and the guilt of the killings. Lucifer. Fearing the Catholic church and my life purpose to stand for truth in front of the most powerful organization ever created by man, and lastly all in honor of my poor, innocent, Aunt Kathy.

My Untimely Death

The scene changed once more, I was willing now to face my human death in the near future in great detail. I had already seen bits and pieces, and now I knew I had to let the entire scene play out. I watched in horror as detail by detail the scene of my death that I’d already accepted played out before my eyes.

Tears welled and filled up once again both of my eyes as I saw how so much good would happen, I would aid the world in doing the impossible, and yet it would all happen in such a short amount of time. I mourned the inability to spend time with my not yet born daughter Lucy, and missing her grow up. I mourned leaving my sons, Damien, Max and Xander, my little troopers especially Damien, who had been my little guy since I was barely an adult and he was there through the toughest times of my life. My heart felt 1000 pounds at the thought of getting a small window of time to have my happily ever after with my Judas.

I don’t want to give out the details of the vision in which info like the when of my death will occur, where or how but it certainly isn’t inflicted by my own doing. I’m only sharing with you the processes that night that I had to endure as a human being in order to step into this responsibility. One by one I went through the process of surrendering to the darkness that came in that night. All the way down to my human death.

If you are thinking this is heavy stuff well it is, when we believe in a world we made as real, demons, abortions and death all weigh so heavily on us. But the point of all of this, is it is as the ego veil is lifted from your perception and you realize the invalidity of this world, it’s no longer possible for it to cause you suffering. I was sad very sad, but I did not suffer with any of these awarenesses. When you realize the truth, that you were and could never not be anything other than love, the illusions peel off you like forgotten layers that you never realized were covering you to begin with. But in order for me to get to that space, I had to fully embody every creation that I had made without any avoidance.

Once again as I lay in bed, I repeat in my mind, God, your will and mine are one, if this means following your will down to my own death then I am willing to die to show everyone that life is eternal.

Now that I accepted the fate that hung in front of me, I felt a new whoosh of free space enter my mind. The story gets much lighter from here. In fact it becomes only light. But I will let the darkness I faced stand as the first part of this story. Stay tuned for the light, it’s coming, I promise:-)

…..And as I write this, I’m listing to another Company of Theives song that I’ve never heard before. Here are the lyrics.

Across the ocean, under the water
That got in your lungs
There sleeps a demon
It knows exactly what you will become

And it’s watchin’ while you sleep
While you sit and dream
At all the people laughing, pickin’ up the shells
Too concerned with suntans, nobody can tell…

Sacred Valley Peru & Meeting Mother Ayhuasca

Before reading this, It could be helpful to read about Ayhuasca, Icaros and Shamanism, what it is, and it’s purpose. Otherwise, get ready to be lost:-).

Back in March 2019, God brought it to my attention that I would be visiting Peru. At the time, I was instructed to pay for the majority of the trip and flight a long head of time. I didn’t know what I would be walking into financially in the months to come, but I trusted that there must be a reason why I had to pay up front so far in advance.

A day or two later after booking my trip, I was instructed to invite my friend Sabryna over to sit and do a little vision board together.

Me, Sabryna and my sister sit together cutting out dream photos the old school way, with magazines.

I’ve always imaged living in the Jungle in Costa Rica, naked with a farm of fresh grown food and being surrounded by animals and a bag of money delivered by a man in a suit and tie.

Me and my sis crack up in laughter at what Sabryna just said.

Its funny you say that, I’m actually going to Peru to an Ayhuasca retreat at the end of the year. Oh my God, Sabryna, I think it runs through your birthday!

I showed her the dates. Now that’s why I was supposed to invite her over!

She gasps in disbelief.

Oh my God, its a sign, I was told so many times over that I needed to end up going to an Ayhuasca retreat, can I go with you?

Now I knew for sure why I had invited Sabryna over to do a silly vision board.

December 6th 2019, finally arrives and feeling sleepy, but happy to finally be there, we arrive in Sacred Valley Peru. A fourteen hour travel time to get there, 2 planes and a 2 hour long taxi ride to the Andes mountains. I quietly introduce myself to all of my new found spiritual peers for the week, sure I’d be back to my old chipper self by tomorrow but I was feeling wiped.

Everyone was as nice as you would imagine. But I could feel a strange rub developing in me. A feeling that I hadn’t felt full force in maybe a year. Something felt like that was out of my normal element, but I didn’t know what it was. Sabryna graced everyone with her presence and instantly became connected with everyone she met. Literally.

Yes exactly, I’m here for Sabryna and thats it, this trip isn’t about me, its about helping her, I reassured myself that that was why I felt a little out of place.

Later in the day one by one we had to arrive in front of the staff to share what our intentions were for the week, especially for our three Ayhuasca ceremonies.

Well, this is gonna be weird, I thought. But one thing I had learned was I never supposed to lie or sugar coat anything that I was going through.

The 9 person staff gathered round the wooden temple floor eager to meet all of us attendees one by one.

So tell us Jasmine.

Me: Oh you can call me Jazz.

What are your intentions for this week?

I gaze directly at the Shamans, one male, one female, both of which avoided eye contact and I thought that to be a bit strange.

I directed my attention towards the rest of the young staff. Here goes nothing.

I am here because God sent me to be here, that much I know, but I have no specific intentions for this trip other than to follow God’s will. My life as a human being is completely surrendered, there isn’t much personal, human desire in me left. I’m about emptied.

I could feel the constriction as I spoke. The truth, so directly wasn’t always the easiest for me to spit out. I still felt weird.

I could immediately see the waves of confusion overcome the room. Equal parts annoyance, confusion and disbelief swept over the faces of the staff.

I walk out of the temple and say goodbye.

Oh boy what a great start to a GrrRReeaatt week.

You see, it was my understanding that my journey in Cusco would at least be my private journey. I would help Sabryna when she needed me, but that for a week ,I could stay to myself and not share anything about the journey I had been on with the rest of the 16 members of the group. Why? Because I was tired of sharing over the last year, and I really was looking forward to some quiet time.

Going back before that week, being around people who more or less, led normal lives had become increasingly more difficult when it was my time to speak up and make conversation. Normal questions like,

So what do you do for work? What’s your plans after this?

Could no longer be answered in normal human ways or else, it was me telling a lie. I was always on for having to tell the entire truth which was,

My human life revolves around my true essence now, which is God. My will is aligned with the will of God, so I have no plans other than to follow God’s Will now which is to aid the planet in awakening itself. I live in the moment at all times awaiting the next set of instructions on what to say, where to go, and what to do.

Now for seriously, how does that sound to the average human being?

Does it matter how people receive what I tell them? No. But the whole truth was, it still mattered to me.

In the first ceremony by dear Mother Ayhuasca and the rest of the non-physical crew, I was told just how not quiet I would have to become in the next several days.

First Ayhuasca Ceremony

We are all on our mats on the floor, in a beautiful wooden log cabin perched on the side of a mountain and little river. It was 7:30 pm, and the plant medicine Ayhuasca, is blessed by the Shamans and one by one we are called up to receive our cup of Psychedelic tree bark tea.

About 15 minutes later, one by one the people that had taken the medicine start purging. That is what the medicine does, it helps to remove fear based blockages of the mind that have caused physiological and energetic blockages within a persons system over time. The removal happens through the persons willingness to let go which causes the purging and sometimes spending some intimate time on the toilet.


Ayhuasca is the most intimate, raw and primal experience one can go through when it comes to using Psychedelics as tool for healing. Eighteen people in a room on the floor throwing up into buckets, and at some point, half of them, running to the bathroom with the runs, where everyone can hear every belch, spit, fart and toilet explosion. I suppose, really got to be suffering in your normal life in order to appreciate the power of Mother Ayhuasca. Just to just show up, takes a next level of transparency and bravery.

Just when I thought maybe the medicine wasn’t working, the Shamans started to sing whats called the Icaros and I could suddenly feel the buzz. I tried to look up in the darkness scoping out each person individually in the room, just taking a peak at their silhouette and it wasn’t long before all of the visions that I’d been seeing over the last eight weeks were flashing before my eyes, now in greater detail.

Visions I’d had yet to share with all of you here.

I was due to leave to go on an on foot trek across the country from West to East. In the vision, I embark along on my pilgrimage on route 66, and I saw the fire that I would run into, it’s a house fire. House or houses, I couldn’t tell. The house is lit up in flames and unrecognizable and one by one I grab children, and a mother out of a fire blazing house until the house was empty and everyone had been rescued and not a scratch was left on my unscathed, burn free body.

In the next vision, I saw the car accident and the human death of Judas play again for maybe the 100th time in my head but now more clearly, I see him lying there, being taken off of life support and I lean over to kiss him with my tears.

Breathe with me Judas, just breathe, I whisper.

With one hand on his head and one on his heart I lay on his chest imitating the sound of the rise and fall of my own lungs. Eventually his rises and falls and he breathes to the rhythm of my breath. In and out we breathe together, and in that moment the physical oneness of our union collides with the nonphysical unity that our souls were always eternally part of. Judas dies and then lives again.

Then, the next vision begins and I see my wedding ceremony for the fifth time in more detail, my custom tailored dress hugging my pregnant baby bump as I walk down the aisle towards Judas and Jesus at the Basilica of Saint Maximin la Saint Baume in the South of France. Walking down the aisle to much more than just a wedding, I knew that I was walking into history being rewritten.

As I laid there, I said yes to every vision I saw as I always had before.

I see. I thought. I get vague visions of what is being asked of me long ahead of time, then I see the vision in more detail, as a final time to CONFIRM that I am indeed agreeing to step into all of this before it physically manifests regardless of whether it comes “true” or not. I look up to the wooden beams of the ceiling and say in my head, I told you the first time. Your will and mine, are one. There is nothing that I won’t do, and nothing that I won’t say…. I am willing to die if that is what it takes, or live, knowing already, the possible play out of my own death.

God replies back with,

See that Guy over there he’s sitting in front of your cot? One of the facilitators, we’ll name him Jake, was quietly sitting right in front of me, seeming to keep his eye on me.

Tell Jake that the Aliens will be showing themselves somehow this week.

Me: Big G, You’re kidding me right now right?

God: You know me better than that, I’m not kidding, go on tell him.

Uhhhhhhhhhh okay.

So I do it. Of course Jake looks at me like I’m the Alien.

(The next ceremony, a woman later reports being taken over by an alien for the majority of the ceremony, I’ll explain that more in the next post.)

Okay, now tell Jake that God will make an appearance by the end of the week. Someway somehow, God is going to show up. Tell him that.

Oh my God I think.

In half sobs I say it to Jake.

God will show God’s self by the end of the week, I’m supposed to tell you.

Jake gives me the same blank stare that he’d given me the first time I had mentioned the Aliens.

Who knew my first night of Ayhuasca would be a series of God playing Simon Says.

Well Fuck me.

God: Oh we aren’t done.

Now, go over to that woman facilitator Fayla. and tell her the following.

I put my arms in front of Fayla, a beautiful Peruvian woman, passionate, and cultured but still training and not as experienced. I say, I understand that this will not make sense to you, but I am going through the process of becoming God in a body.

Okay. She gives me one of those I heard this one before looks, Please go sit down and stay with your own experience. It was clear she didn’t understand….duh.

I continue.

Okay, it’s very important that for what is happening to me, you tell the Shamans what I just told you, so that their powerful Icaros can be attached to this experience of whats happening to me. I just cringed at the thought of how that sounded.

I’ll tell them in the morning she says, I wasn’t getting anywhere with this lady and I’m well aware of I sounded, but God meant business.

I found myself having to go up to her a second time to tell her once again, after several attempts, she reluctantly agreed to tell the Shamans what I had told her.

As I laid back on my cot I was sure I’d now be able to rest some.

Well no. I didn’t rest. God kept up with the instructions.

Tomorrow you have to tell everyone here who you are and what I’ve told you of what’s to come in 2020.

I knew what that meant and I started to cry, there was no doubt that everyone heard my sobs in the dark. I could tell that these were people that heard the word “God” and it would send shivers down their spine, let alone the word “Jesus/Yeshua” or “Christ.” And it was no ones fault. People my age had been so heavily conditioned by thousands of years of a violent message masked with religion and the damage that much of Christianity had done meant words like that posed a threat. Or, they simply weren’t into the whole God thing.

I wailed in disbelief like a nine year old.


I have to tell them tomorrow Sabryna, I don’t want to, I loudly sobbed in uncontrollable hiccups, She held my hand tightly as I repeated my self over and over.

She joined me in my tears. It’s Okay, Jazz, you will tell them. It is Okay.

Sabryna, I have to tell them everything. I have to tell them everything. They aren’t going to believe me.

Everything meant everything.

Telling who I was meant that Jasmine was Mary Magdalene and Mary Magdalene was Jasmine. That I was Yeshua’s wife. That part of my Christ process was being put on display deliberately for the 16 of them as a part of their journey back to who they are. That as the Divine Feminine counterpart, it was my responsibility to aid in initiate the Second Coming of the Christ, our own Love Revolution to start in 2020, that will aid in the individualized awakening of the entire planet, starting with all of them. That the Bible was not truth and that Christianity will have no choice but to unravel the full truth that they have been hiding for so long to keep people controlled and in fear. That the Catholic church and all of its hundred of years of damage will crumble. And lastly, the most important thing of all, that God, love is what we are, and that there is nothing to fear but to become aware of who you have always been. That Heaven is here. They are God, I am God, and God is love.

I knew in sharing this, the entire tone of my trip would change, more for me rather than anyone else and I had only been there one day.

One fucking day.

The next morning after crying for the majority of the night and early morning, my eyes were crisp red with tear ducts so puffy I was unrecognizable. I kept sunglasses on for most of the morning.

During group share, the time we had to share our first Ayhuasca experience from the night before, I asked to go last. As I shared, and it became time to say things like GOD, you could feel the fear and confusion rise up in the majority of people’s faces. Just as I expected. I could see the facilitators in complete disbelief like they had been the night before. And when I said Yesuas’s’ wife, and the Second Coming of the Christ, oh boy, you could even further feel the confusion, the fear and disbelief.

However there were a few in the room, just a few whose hearts were listening. And in those few were the Shamans. The female Shaman started to cry, as I reviewed the scene later, I could see it in her face that she believed me, but it was more than that, but I didn’t know what it was just yet that accompanied her belief.

I at least left there feeling relieved to have that much off my chest. But I wanted to dissapear, hide in the cave of my room for most of the trip after, and for a few days I did just that.

I hid.

The Second Ayhuasca Ceremony

But here was Tuesday night and it was now time for the second ceremony. I’m really exhausted, please no more Simon says God, please. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to utter another sentence of something no one would believe. The whole experience was bringing back such painful attempts to include some of of my family members into the process of what was happening to me, but I got shot down by their confusion and disbelief, and my own. That Tuesday, I was feeling so human and so raw, and I was feeling so spent at the beginning of that second ceremony.

I found out later at the end of the second ceremony a woman said that an alien had inhabited her being for quite sometime during the ceremony. It asked her to do strange things like take her socks off, it asked her about wiping her butt after going to the bathroom with toilet paper, and how human beings are so peculiar with their need for such order and structure.

I hadn’t told her about my announcement to Jake, it had been less than 24 hours since I said that to Jake the night before.

Anyway , the second ceremony was lighthearted, just like I had asked. As I laid and listened to Icaros after Icaros sung like a beautiful mashup by both Shamans, my body was dancing around, but I wasn’t the one moving my body. It was God. One limb would sway left to the sound of the Icaros, then a leg, then my tummy would pop up from my cot and round and around my body went. It was so strange to watch my body move without being the one to make my body move. I looked around and I didn’t see this happen to anyone else but me. Eventually my body ended up in the middle of the floor as I went with it. I knew what this moment symbolized.

Thats exactly it, God is breathing me, all I have to do is get myself (my ego) out of the way. God is just giving me a harmless, lighthearted example of the power of doing nothing.

The message of the dancing of my body parts was just this.

Jazz, life is an effortless, organic dance. Allow the flow of God to course through your veins, and watch your life unfold without even trying.

God doesn’t try, God simply is.

Then I got a taste of something I had wanted to be a part of for so long.

Suddenly my vision went from the room, to white Parthenon pillars beyond me. In between the pillars there was a presence that was focused on me and I knew that the presence was me. I could see it with my eyes closed or open. In the darkness, between the pillars, I knew this was to be God communicating with the human me.

Jazz are you ready to completely leave your body and have a taste of what it feels for God to flow through?

Yes, I am ready.

First, its time to purge, go on and grab your bucket.

I continued to do nothing. and Mother Ayhuasca, a beautiful aspect of God that I’d never become aquatinted with until now, did the purging for my body, all I had to do was get my head to the bucket.

Instantly after I felt a familiar feeling, the feeling during a Kundalini experience when my body would feel like it is being painlessly shocked with electricity. Except for the sensations were not just through the center of my body up and down my Chakras, the strong static was pulsating through every cell, every vein and every artery, especially at the top of my head. It was as if the me was the 6-7 feet circumference around my body, and my body below me was being worked on with this same energy sucked in the vortex or eye of this energy. The body was an after thought it was not me. The warm electricity continued to pulse and the feeling was heavenly, I didn’t want it to let up.

I could tell I hadn’t energetically entered into complete oneness or Samadhi just yet. Samadhi is when you become the everything of God, the identity of you dissolves and you leave your body altogether, entering into total awareness. I could tell that by what was happening to me energetically, this was on the road to what Samadhi felt like.

Right after this experience I saw the blurred shadows of the Shamans pass in front of me as I lay there on my cot. They were passing me by like clips on a old Mickey Mouse reel. Their passing by was to validate once again the invalidity of all of this.

And what do I mean by this?

This illusionary existence that we so desperately cling to. I could see as they passed me by, they were dancing along with the poem I had heard in my head.

Life unfolds in the dance.

Watch the flower spiral.

Watch the flower dance towards the sun.

All of Life is the dance.

Just let go.

The Shamans were telling me not to worry, they were reassuring me that they understood what I needed. But it was more than that. They were saying.

We knew you were coming Jazz

We know why you are here Jazz

But you must know it without needing our reassurance.

You must be your own reassurance.

And that was exactly the message I needed to hear. The Shamans were telling me that I had to step into what I knew to be true without a single soul on the outside giving me the confirmation that I secretly longed for. And the world would not catch up until I did this on my own, over and over again.

I left that night thankful, so thankful for them and so thankful of the clarity.

Gracias. Gracias. Gracias.

I slept soundly that night, ready for what the rest of the week would bring.

Unraveling the Grasp of Motherhood

This is obviously the hardest let go I’ve experienced. It’s not a let go that I ever expected to let go of. A lot has happened over the last few weeks. We, the three of us, me, Max and Xander, as you know, have been doing the homeless thing. And honestly, I’ve told you the ups and downs, and it has been fine for me and fine for the twins. But I was always careful to make sure, and watch them. They never complained, and hardly seemed to notice. What they did notice is that for their birthday I only ordered them one Dogman book each instead of two! I wasn’t completely off the hook. As I’ve shared my story, the human me struggled with the universal judgement seen at every corner. People couldn’t believe that I would be homeless with my children. I really did, I, as Jazz, struggled with the judgement.

I realized though, that here is what the real struggle was. A human trying to understand God moves from human understanding. What they really couldn’t believe, was that I was willing to follow God’s will all the way down to being homeless.

It was around three weeks ago, Halloween, where I noticed from every angle I was feeling hardcore judged by many that I spoke to.

The concensus

But how could you? What about the twins?

As a mother, I just don’t understand.

And it hit me. As it always does…..hit me.

This is why we don’t have many mothers even as many woman as men becoming enlightened. Following the full surrender into God. This, among other reasons.

Because most moms put their kids before themselves, and that is seen as noble, as the thing to do. Actually, as the only thing to do.

As moms, we SACRIFICE.

We as moms, sacrifice our spiritual journey as well as our other needs to live up to the job of being THE mom.

And how dare I do this for……myself???

How dare I follow the God of me and the Godvice I was receiving, over what seemed like the welfare of my children?

I was at least comforted to know that that’s where the judgement coming from. But there was something in there, in me, that I still couldn’t get rid of.

I had to sit with the fact that I knew I wasn’t as committed to the God journey as I thought.

How did I know?

I realized it on Halloween night, the kids were happily hanging out on our hotel room floor with millions of pieces of candy surrounding them.

I saw a funny vision that never happened. Yeshua/Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, and me, Mary Magdalene raising up one of our sons in the middle of the resurrection and saying

Hey Yeshua, can you change his diaper, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.

Sure hon let me finish this whole raising him from the dead thingy, and I’ll be right with ya.

This is why Yeshua, this is why the Buddha, left what they knew to go through their transformation. They left their families, their responsibilities, to become God in a body.

So why was it acceptable for them and not for me? Here’s a big reason. According to societal rule,

They were men and not mothers.

I realized that I had deep rooted guilt. That’s why I was being triggered by other people’s comments. I knew suddenly, deep down that they should be with their father in Florida while I go through the rest of this transformation, but I felt guilty as the mom to let them go. The deep rooted societal conditioning was blocking my vision. I hadn’t let go of motherhood in order to let God in fully. The same way I had let go of everything else, my job, money, Judas, The Buddhist Organization I was affiliated with, friends and family, and my home.

The truth was that I hadn’t fully let go of my attachment to motherhood.

I realized for the first time, that I wasn’t fully committed to the God journey. I’d missed so many meditations, classes and meetings because I had the twins. I’d fit God in around the twins schedules, during school hours. I knew it. But there was deep guilt to admit it.

So I laid up staring at the ceiling, hardly any space in the queen size thanks to my sloppy sleepers next to me. Checked the clock. 2:22 am and right then, I knew what I had to do. I had to fire a message to their dad. Healing my fear, and welcoming the possibility that my kids live with their dad for a while is what was the next step in the emptying process. Knowing that some way some how, the twins would come back to me, but in truth, having no idea when, or what my life would look like when they did come back.


For the next few months, I’m going through a major transition with our housing situation. It is going to take some time to secure housing. 
I’m open to the boys coming to stay with you for a while, if you are open to it? It isn’t what I want, but I have to consider what the most stable thing is for them while I go through this process.  Maybe through the rest of the school year? 
If you can’t do it, thats okay too. 
Let me know. Happy belated halloween 

I cried and cried, and stayed awake to glance over at my phone around 4am. I had an email. And it wasnt the email I was expecting back, it was from someone else. Glenn Hoveman, the Publisher of ACOL, A Course of Love.

Hello dear Jazz, 
It was probably 5 or 6 months ago that LV invited me to participate in the Monday evening Zoom calls oriented around How to Become A Christ. 
….Anyway you were on my mind this evening so before sending a note off to you I remembered your “I am Mary Magdalene” blog, which I thought was great.

I was deeply touched by the most recent two posts. Touched by your wholeness, your trust. As you know ACIM says that trust is the final quality to be learned by Teachers of God. And by your acceptance of what is, which is foundational in ACOL to knowing Christ-consciousness. 
I may have mentioned to you that one of the things I do is publish a monthly ACOL newsletter, The Embrace.
….And I was feeling that the two blogs I read this evening from 10/28 and 10/29 would — if shortened considerably — make a good article. The Embrace features articles by people who are inspired by ACOL, and you qualify! :~)  I love how you approach this “crisis.” And how you approach giving and receiving as one. Very inspiring! 

And so there it was. The blog was reaching people, it was touching people, just like I always knew it would and more love and support than I could ever imagine. I laid in bed and felt the shift physically. I was stepping into new territory now. Big letting go’s were always followed by the next step being revealed. But what would be revealed next?

Saying Goodbye.

Me and the boys arrive to Tampa after a smooth but long layover ride from John Wayne Airport. It’s morning, 12 hours of traveling and everyone’s tired. Through their weariness, Max and Xander are over the moon to see their dad. Where’s my brother? They both ask in a sing song unison as they hurriedly hug their dad.

I take one of the looks at them like your’e taking a mental picture in your head. Like maybe I’d paint a portrait later on of that moment or something. I settled in that moment for an actual picture. I hugged them, and I did an okay job of hiding my sadness. It’s that last nag, when you turn your back and walk away and down the escalator and look back for one last glimpse of their faces, not sure of the the next day, the exact day of when you’ll see your kids faces in real time.

God it stung.

But they were so happy. I walk towards the terminal towards a journey with so many unknowns, feeling as if I was leaving my past behind. But I knew it wasn’t true, but in the moment, it just felt like that.

They were okay, and I had done the next step in my transformation. I had done the right thing.

I said yes and the next set of Godvice ensued.

I was told that I’d be traveling, and I’d be traveling very soon, in about a month. It wasn’t physically possible to take them with me and they had to be with their dad for I couldn’t take them where I was about to go. It was all making sense.

The waves of loss, come in like a wave. But underneath it, there it is, ahhhhh, that place in peace I know so familiarly, more familiarly than any other feeling. The peace in knowing there is no suffering with God as God.

To follow God’s will all the way down to my naked bare bones is what I’m here for. Jasmine is not here just as Jasmine anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore that it wasn’t true, everything was gone.

Everything except, the peace.

I let the new information and the new energies integrate into my mind, and through my body.

The Rebels Journey to Enlightenment. I had written those words with the thought in mind that the journey was all spiritual. It was clear that this Rebels Journey to Enlightenment was about to become also a very physical one.

Jazz Christ

I’ve talked about some of this, but now I will expand a bit. A few months ago, now that I think of it, around August, rounds of healing were coming in at a much more rapid succession. During the last 12 months before August, healing always came with breaks in between, weeks, sometimes a month.

But towards the end of the summer, things changed. There was hardly any time in between. I’d heal, come up for air, only to be dunked back down again. Kind of like back in your childhood, when you are swimming in the summer pool at your aunt’s house, and your cousin thinks it’s hilarious to dunk you under water, watch you gasp for air as you reach the surface, only to dunk you back down again. Or maybe that was just my cousin. God, I miss her.

So there I was day after day, healing, gasping for air in attempt to recover, then going in for another round of healing again.

And that’s exactly what sparked my next question.

When does this end?

This, as in this healing phase? I’m certain Yeshua and the Buddha weren’t handling karma still once they were performing healing and bringing the love of God into the world they live in. As I often have in this process, I was starting to feel like a lost pup in the wilderness. No elder, no visible roadmap or manual to give me just little external insight as to what to expect on this journey.

Shortly after asking the question however, the answer came in in October. Godvice time.

The healing ends as soon as your investment in what never existed disappears.

Basically, as soon as I stopped buying into the egoic merry go round of conflict, of duality, or making all of this real, I’d only see the truth, what in truth, was the only thing that ever really existed. The truth that there was nothing to ever fix, just my belief in that it needed fixing.

If you were wondering, it’s easier said than done.

Well dang, I thought, way to take full responsibility.

But, was I ready?

I wasn’t sure how long my actions would catch up to my new found awareness, but it was cool to know that there was hope! Eureka! I would not be doing this “forever.”

Which led me to last weekend to get a glimpse of what not doing this forever would feel like.

A few days before, I was starting to get the feelings. The feelings of some blocks coming up for healing. For me, my dreams get very obvious, as to what’s going really with my perceptions of people, places and things including myself. Once I had a subconscious fear of my oldest son one day ending up on drugs. And so in the dream, I’m following my son to a broken down corner, with a bunch of people who were very high and very angry. Next thing you know in the dream, one of the ladies is beating me over the head with her fists. No subtly there, I woke up knowing what fear needed some handling.

It also manifests physically for me. A few days before last Saturday, I developed a few days of pretty severe lower back pain, the kind that keeps you up at night. So there I was at my friends house Sabryna actually living there now, surrendered, on Saturday night open, willing and ready to heal. The twins are hanging out playing on their ipad’s and somehow watching Netflix at the same time on the floor.

I sit on the floor ready to go in. Waiting for all of the waves of negative emotions that usually come up when I surrender to healing.

and I waited and waited.

Finally, I open my eyes, making a facial expression shaped like a question mark if thats even possible.

A few breaths later, I get a clear God answer of,


I still sit with the same inquisitive facial expression,

huh? What do you mean ‘all done’?

Well, you’re all done, the healing is over. The question is, are you READY for the healing to be over? Are you READY to see the Christ, to see God, everywhere, and to let go of what was never real?

And so I sat with that.

I immediately I felt deep sadness. What this would mean, is the human game for me, the one I’ve played for the last 33 years and lifetimes before and thought was very real is….


Even if I wanted to, can’t play the game any longer, knowing its falsehood, knowing that it’s not the truth.

So, I settled into my humaness and I cried, and cried, and CRIED. I let myself be fully human, to feel the spectrum of every emotion that I needed to feel. Till finally, I felt the shift from within.

Yes, I’m ready.

I’m ready, to let go of all of it.

I’m ready, to become the Christ.

I scurry for my phone and text my friend, my brother in his love for God, Michael.

Micheal I died. I just died.

When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different. I died and I’m the Christ. It’s all God now. Gosh this is so amazing to be apart of this, what a dream.

It took him a little bit to come around to texting back, who wouldn’t when someone texts you, skips a hello and says I died. What he wrote back just made the night more memorable.

To Become the Christ You Must Die Before You Die.

It wasn’t until this very moment, that I got it. Your final death is letting go of the illusion that all of this is real entirely. And in an instant, it is a choice that you make that will change everything. And its still a moment to moment choice. The long way was what I was doing before. Waiting for conflicts within my own mind to pop up, so that I could deal with them. Round by round. Becoming aware, owning it, and letting it go. I can’t say there isn’t value in doing it that way, but, it’s the long way. Most people never get there, and the people that do get there, healing their stuff, do it for decades or the remainder of their physical lives.

What I’m saying is, there’s a shorter way and an easier way.

To recognize that there is only one conflict and it comes from fear. That we believe in a separate world separate from God, in other words that we believe in duality.

That we believe in the illusion of seperation.

To let go of the illusion entirely is to heal all misperceptions.

All things I thought I needed to get rid of, those judgements, those fears, were never real and just for a moment, I got it.

I fully embodied the Christ that night as the tears streamed down my face and I stared at my son watching Netflix on the floor, with his head on my lap. Wrapped around motherhood, the love for my children, and their unwavering love and devotion for their momma.

The ego had let go that night enough for me to get a real, long glimpse.

I embodied the Christ in the most ordinary way and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Nothing I knew would ever be the same.

Pink lotus flower background

Six years of Black Eyes, Six Years of Lessons

I remember the first time I saw him.

I luckily landed myself in an all girls public school for high school, that my mom made me go to. I wasn’t a fan as you would imagine. There were about 500 of us in the freshman class back in 2000. I did find my crew though and they were in the grade above mine. Someone well above my grade level was the only young man I saw , roaming around the high school hallways. Junior was contracted there on union to install the windows. There were about 6 or 7 of them, and he was the only young one, the only Puerto Rican one, and most important, the only handsome one. Sooki sooki now. His face was chiseled and had one of those lines like Craig David. He was very thin, tall, had a bit of a smug attitude about him, but back then, I liked that stuff. I’d pretend to have some class near where he was working, just to catch a glimpse of him. Him and his baby blue ‘Ecko Red’ Shirt hanging all the way down to his knees. To me, at 15, that was very very sexy.

So pleather pants happened several times a week in my world. and tight jeans, the kind you lay down to put on that lines across your jeans at the thighs form further cutting off your circulation. I went from Tom boy Xena freak, nun wanna be for a while, to Jlo is my savior in a very short amount of time.

Don’t forget the hoops and lip liner okay?

Things well, they progressed between me and Junior. He ended up getting transferred to another job site. Why? Because I was 15 and he was 20 and we got caught by the assistant Principal. I think someone told on us. I was a student and he worked there, but not before the two of us had been seeing each other for several months, that was the reason why he got transferred.

And one kid later, the rest was history. 

 Two years later, It was my 17th birthday. I was pregnant, inlove and just happy, puppy love happy. We went to Chilli’s for dinner over in University City and walked back in silence. If I recall, I was annoyed that we hadn’t been spending much time together. I think, its hard to remember.

We started arguing, who knows about what in truth, funny how you never really remember specifics. We take the argument to the bedroom. he takes an open water bottle and throws it at me. Then, gives me a nice firm knock this pregnant lady over kinda push. He knocked me clear off my feet, and then to top it off, when I was on the ground, he spit on me.  I remember what I was wearing even. A flowery maternity shirt and jean shorts capturing my fertile naivety.

I was soaked, spit on, and feeling pretty fucking stupid.

Happy Birthday.

After that push, I didn’t know yet consciously, but on a God level, it was over before it had ever begun. I never really came back to fullness after that. I never really trusted not just him, but what became all men for a long while. I retreated to my inner safety after that.

The baby came, all 9 pounds, 11 ounces, and 2 feet of him and I was still in denial. The violent pushes turned to shakes and grip ups after Damien was born. That turned to slaps and eventually, punches, kicks and tumbles down the stairs.

So this is where I’m at, rockin’ the battered woman label? I thought to myself. Talk about stigmas, wear that label for a while. Even as a youngin’ I just never would’ve pictured that in my life, because I had judgements about it back then. I imagine that most people that endure abuse of that nature, don’t picture that in their lives.

Now at this point in the story, I am 19, and I remember leaving the house on the way to Community College, my son in tow,  black eye or busted lip. In Port Richmond Philly. Back then, half of the neighborhood would sit on their front stoop or porch, 40 or smoke in hand, just hanging out usually loudly. Their kids in just T-shirts and diapers running around on the street. This is just how it was back then, when I lived there and I don’t know about now.

I pass each neighbor one by one hanging out on their front porch, knowing that my sunglasses aren’t covering my bruises. Knowing that they can see. And knowing that I’d be judged.

Why I Stayed.

I stayed determined to wait for this concept of my mind of what he ‘needed’ which was his ‘big transformation’. I wasn’t at a place then to say, whats missing in me in order to stay with someone that would hit me? I saw his pain and I wanted to care for him. Nurture him back to ‘wholeness’, that whole motherly, feminine thing thats really sometimes a form of unconscious manipulation if its not coming from an unconditional place. I didn’t see any problem or flaw within my thinking of wanting to change someone’s behavior. After all, I wasn’t abusing anyone, I wasn’t the one CHEATING, I thought to myself back then. Sexual monogamy was a big MUST for me back then and was not up for discussion. In my mind, it was him that needed to be nurtured back to good health, not me. Was there love there?Conditional love, in other words, Love with strings.

And of course staying failed miserably in terms of making it work, and yet it was totally relevant to my story that I stayed as long as I did. The God of me wanted me there. I suffered during that time, there was a ton of suffering well past the bruises, the emotional kind and the kind of suffering that I was disgusted with what I had allowed myself to become. The victim. And eventually, I got tired of suffering, at least from that kind of suffering. I didn’t know what to expect week to week. Sometimes it was one comment that would set him off. Other times there were weeks maybe even a few months of us having a grand ole’ time, getting along. I want to say the breaking point was just this sudden realization, that I loved myself a lot, I want to say that was what it was that snapped me back. But it didn’t. 

My attachment then was to the happy family unit. Having a kid and not making it work was not in my understanding. Having a kid and not getting married also, wasn’t in my understanding either.

It Ran It’s Course

It took a psychic telling me that he’d never change. I walked into the nightshift at my Nurse Extern Job. At this point, I was in Nursing school, on my 6 month externship at night time, and I used my job at night as an escape from the conflict at home. The woman, Jackie had just had heart surgery. She seemed to be in a very intense conversation.

Jackie: You are so beautiful, she gushes in her South Philly Italian and proud, oh so familiar accent.

Me: Thank you, I squeak, instantly blush and help her from the commode back to the bed.

That was Argentina actually. I’m a psychic, I do missing persons cases for children across the world.

Me: OHHHhhhh, one of those yeah right Oh’s give me a break, but I tried to make it convincing. Ohhhhhhh.

She didn’t seem to notice.

Jackie: For me it goes by touch. I squeeze her arm just a little tighter as I proceed to take her blood pressure trying to hear for a clear diastolic beat.

She continues to spell out Damien’s dads name, Damien’s name and gives me a synopsis of my relationship all the way down to the physical abuse. She read me like a book. Now my face is crimson red and I’m shaking.

That day he just so happened to total my car, I got the call about an hour after my time with my psychic patient.

The day I made the decision, I took a bus to Atlantic City, I drank a 6 pack, won 800 bucks on a slot machine and stayed overnight alone. I hadn’t had so much fun in a while. I thought ya know I could really do this by myself thing. I could get used to this. 

I was about 21 at this point. That was the first time as an adult, that the world that I thought, was not what it actually what I was experiencing. That was the first time where I got to watch my vision of perfection crumble.

And  to think it took a psychic.

Boy did I learn. I learned about me. I learned about the supressed pain of many men that they carry for lifetimes that comes out as anger, and I learned that I could be alone and raise a kid, and I let go of how I thought it looked to everyone.

Back then, if you told me life would be here, now at 33, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet I would’ve been curious to know more. Because God was there through all of it and I felt it. I remember sitting in bed, sobbing, maybe Damien was 2, Please God allow me to let him go, if this isn’t right, help me to see, help me to let him go. And God sent me a psychic to help out with that apparently.

The Weight of the Past

I really thought I healed my perception of this portion of my life. I really thought I had forgiven myself for staying and enduring all of what I did. I thought I forgave myself for feeling like a victim. But I hadn’t. I carried those past stories towards every man I met without realizing it.

So all these years later, this came up. on the bathroom floor as it always did.

The flashes, there were so many flashes that crossed into my awareness. The broken bones, the times I didn’t know if I’d live or die. Every single event that had ever happened, that I hadn’t forgiven, was right there for me to mend. I did. I healed as much of me as I could that night. I healed the 15 year old girl looking for love outside of herself.  And I completely forgave what was never even mine to forgive. I forgave the illusion that he could hurt me. I forgave my misperception of who he was. I forgave myself for loving him with strings attached and I forgave the fact that I forgot that he and I are not separate from each other.

I forgave it over a decade later thinking it was healed years ago. 

We like a storehouse, carry the weight of the past with us. It’s completely unconscious. We meet a woman, and really what we see is all of the behaviors from other women, all of the judgements we made on others before the person standing before us. The abuse that I endured is just one example of a heavy list of past stories that I was carrying in my awareness. When its forgiven, you free yourself. I saved my world when I changed my mind about it. I changed my mind about what I thought I saw within Junior and within myself. I now see only growth. I see a necessary part of my story. I see a woman now that has a boundless amount of compassion and love to give, and that began from viewing my partner and all of his suffering, and enduring my own. For him, the deep anger that he felt had become him. I continue to work on accepting the anger that I have had, and have felt. For Junior, he wasn’t able to find peace in this lifetime. He wasn’t able to find forgiveness for himself and others in this lifetime. His sadness, his pain, went to a level of taking his own life years later, in 2015.

I work on embracing the aspects of Junior that have been a hidden part of me everyday. My journey is his journey…

When Jazz met CJ

Meeting CJ

Ya know those days when something is about to happen and you can feel it in the air? You are just missing maybe one link, one piece to the puzzle, and you just aren’t sure what it is? Sometimes it’s nothing but patience that’s missing. You just needed to be patient to let all the pieces unfold.

It was July 2019, and I had a few weeks of singlehood because my kids were away visiting their dad. Of course my singlehood was more like spirithood. It consisted of meeting a ton of people in various spiritual communities in a few week period online and in person. It was around the end of my time off, and the kids would be back in about 8 days. I had been going to various Course in Miracles meetings and they were great, but I knew there was something else missing. There was something during this time off, related to A Course in Miracles, that I was supposed to be a part of.

I knew in the future, the near future, there would be Course in Miracles classes, that I would have my role in, but I couldn’t figure out how. I knew it was someone I was supposed to meet, someone that would act as a mentor to me in many ways. Someone that I would learn from, and we would take a journey together.

It was a Monday and I was pacing around on Doheny beach, not sure what to do with the rest of the day. I had maybe 15 dollars in my Wells Fargo account. I figured if the Godvice came in and I needed to be somewhere, most likely, for gas that’d be enough to get me to and back.

Then my friend, the friend that I was very close to during the most intense part of this process, called me, we’ll call her Brandy.

Brandy: Hey Jazz, I got a flyer in my email. I know you’ve been talking forever about finding A Course in Miracles class, it looks like they have one at the HeartSpace school tonight. It’s called “A Course in Miracles Seen Differently.”

Ding ding ding.

Sometimes, like I said, it just takes a little patience. I saw the price of the class, $30.

Okay, I thought as I trekked down the beach on one of my notoriously long beach walks. If I call Wells Fargo, and get a refund for this overdraft fee from a few days, I’ll be able to go.

So I did just that, got the whooping $35 back bringing my account to an impressive $50, and I headed to Costa Mesa for the evening class. I show up to see a small group of four people there gathered around at a meeting table.

And there she was.

Within 5 minutes of meeting CJ, I knew she was the one. I knew that I knew her from the time of Yeshua instantly. All the Godvice was already in my ear giving me plans. It was clear, I’d get to know her, and I’d have to tell her everything, but I’d have to start slow. We connected like two soulmates would. I could feel her love for the course radiate through her as she taught. She was dedicated to teaching, and dedicated to her students. It was on the second class where I knew we’d be working together in more ways than one.

She turns to me privately.

And so the students you see here on on the spiritual life coach track.

She turns to me, with a serious gaze on her face, You’d make an amazing life coach ya know.

I heard it, but I knew even on a surface level, that life coaching wasn’t the right fit, so I kept listening.

Now it’s the same classes, she continues on, but a different path which is the Ministerial students I teach. It’s under the Madonna Ministries.

Buzzzzzz I could feel my face getting hot, and my ears ringing.

No shit. I’m becoming a Minister and she would be my teacher.

I smile.

Dear God,

you are so sneaky sometimes, I love how you surprise me with the obvious.

CJ continues,

What we all have in common being a part of this ministry is a deep relationship with Mother Mary.

I thought of the days where I used to place my mother Mary statue by my bedside as a little girl that my aunt had given me. And if it didn’t seem like Mary was staring directly down at the head of my bed, I’d get out of bed and rearrange her till it was perfect. I thought of Laura, my dearest sister, and the reincarnation of Mother Mary in this lifetime. Yeah, I check that one right off the list, I thought silently.

I politely nodded and told her.

This is for me.

Road Trip To Oxnard

Months go by, and now its November 8th, and we are headed up to Oxnard. It was my first trip to meet everyone and I was invited to see one of the other ladies become ordained and take part in ceremony. I was excited to meet the Head Minister. And off the five of us went. Oxnard, here we come if I don’t lose a leg from being squooshed in the backseat, here we come.

At this point the whole group didn’t know about me being the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene, they didn’t know about The Second Coming etc, just CJ knew meaning that I told her. Whether she understood, well I guess that would be for her to answer.

We all on our way to Oxnard stop off for Lunch. Everyone’s eating, and I awkwardly attempt to hide my awkwardness because I didn’t have money to eat. I felt awkward really because I knew they felt awkward about me being penniless and would offer me food for the 80th time. It’s like being the third wheel 50 times in a row. I cant have you pay for my food repeatedly. Once is sweet.

One of the ladies brings up, Well when we go to France this May….

I, already knowing the answer, inquisitively ask,

What’s in France? One of the ladies replies,

Well we go every year, we’ll be doing the Mary Magdalene tour like we do every year, The head minister of the Madonna ministries organizes the whole thing, although I think this year, is the last trip.

I tried my best to hide the wide eyed look that I get whenever someone drops a bomb of information from God not even realizing that’s what they just did.

That conversation, triggered the feeling that I knew so well.

Oh boy, there it is, theres the feeling. I thought to myself. The five of us squeeze into our GMC and continue our adventure.

I gaze out the window as the sun starts to set over the mountain tops.

Yeah guys so somethings about to go down, its a good thing, but its a big thing. It looks like tomorrow.

I thought to myself. What’s tomorrow? November 9th. The first time I ever spent time with Judas alone, you could call it a date. Like two nervous nellies we awkwardly go out to some laid back place for dinner in San Clemente. Both of us being overly polite to hide our nerves, smiling and laughing way too much. He gave me his Buddhist bell, the one he chanted with for years. It was an endearing evening.

And, I continue to the ladies,

It has to do with meeting the head minister at Madonna Ministries, whatever is going to happen it’s between me and her.

What could it be?

Gosh those human questions of anxiously anticipating the next moment, but I couldn’t help myself. No seriously, what could it be?

The Ceremony

From start to finish the following day was magical. It was hard to believe that that evening we’d be headed back to Orange County, stepping into a different scene on the same day. The house that the ordination was held at was turned into a Mother Mary shrine. One room had been converted into a chapel, and you couldn’t pass a corner without the innocent white statue of the Blessed Mother welcoming your presence.

Yep, I knew it from the moment I said yes, these people, are my people. I’m home. I was welcomed from one arm to the next by Ministers of all different life paths. Males and Females. Dressed differently, different backgrounds and upbringings. The welcome was more like a, hello my long lost sister, I am touched to see you again. Welcome home.

We round together for the ordination.

The head minister turns to me

Jazz, you become a minister, when you are called to become one.

I knew that had already happened the moment the head minister place the extra stole scarf that she had around my neck. I could feel in that moment that I had become one. The energy shift went from from high to higher instantly. I watch the woman being ordained engulfed in love. She looked like a beam of light, thats how much love was shooting from her essence. The fellow ministers surrounded her with presence one by one.

Then they all turn to me, I look at CJ, she gives me her blessing.

This was the thing wasn’t it? This was it? I was to be ordained today? I can tell ya, I just didn’t see it coming.

The head minister looks at me and initiates the ordination. Someone with such power and intensity. As she gazed at me and placed her hand on my heart, there was this mystery to her that I couldn’t quite figure out but the kind of mystery you want to know more of. I knew we would know each other more deeply in the years to come.

And then CJ turns to me, and I lost it. A 13 year old took these pics by the way, talk about capturing the moment.

She gingerly her hands on my tear stricken face and says, My daughter, I knew from the moment that I met you Jazz, that we had work to do together. I am always with you, and every step of the way on your journey, I will be there with you.

It was a night of the pure love from the Divine Femine.

Dear God,

Thanks again for another sneaky moment of somehow keeping the obvious next step from me. Thanks for the surprise.


I’ve been asked many times after this. So how does being a Minister fall into all of this? My answer will always be the same. I just follow God’s will, and I don’t have any answers, until I’m told. I knew that it was a part of the plan, but the why behind it mattered none.

I took the time on the drive home, from the back seat, to tell the ladies rest of the story.

The Who I am, why I am here, and what’s to come to the best of my ability, which usually comes off as way too much to bite off at one time. Some of them, without me telling them, they were somehow were already on to me. Others didn’t believe anything I said.

I was graced with not only with this day, but complete graciousness from all of them. I had no idea how I’d pay the $200 in Minister fee’s after the fact, I figured a payment plan, and somehow someway it’d be paid. The very next day, I received a text from CJ.

Dear One,

I wanted to let you know the two gifts that were given to me after your ordination yesterday. They are monetary gifts to cover your ordination and dues in the ministry for next year 2020. The total comes to $200. You had quite a journey over the weekend, I am so excited for you my daughter, my sister, my friend. -CJ

Once again my heart is full, and open as I’ve received such endless support along this journey. It’s so clear how it’s everyone’s journey. We are all together in this.

Update to this post March 2020: One thing I did not mention in this post when I wrote it, was at one point on the car ride home, God wanted me to just blurt out my past as a prostitute in front of the other four women in the car. So of course, I did just that.

After my announcement spread among the other members that were part of the ministry, the money that was donated from other Madonna Ministries members towards my ordination cost was revoked from being able to put towards my ordination and I was told that my ordination was not official and would not be until I returned to California in the summer/fall of 2020.

Becoming Desireless

This is not surprising for me, but honestly it is surprising too especially when I go back and look at some of my earlier posts where I wrote about my experiences/realizations then. I’ve talked about it before. How enlightenment doesn’t mean, passively meditating, never moving the body to participate in helping in a “physical way”, never having human happenings like work, or taking care of children, and I stand by what I said, it is true. The process of awakening, at different stages will look completely different from one person to the next. Hey, some people might not want to go all the way, for awakening and full Christhood, embodying God in full, aren’t the same. .

But for me, as a human, and knowing Jazz as Jazz, I’m a little beside myself lately. In a good way. But it is one of those other, who am I ? moments. It makes me think of that day, August 24th when it all became crystal clear for the first time. For months this had been circling in my head. I wasn’t happy about finding out about Mary Magdalene. I was actually pretty peeved at first.

For months before I understood, my head was filtrated with thoughts like,

Why do I need to know that I am the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene?

Why would that hold any significance for me to know that?

What am I supposed to DO with that?

This was the night I found out, why I was told that. I know these blogs are tough to read out of order, so here is that link incase you haven’t read those posts.

Well I got my answer that night, that night, that I will always remember. And it was clear, that in order to become responsible in the way that I had just become responsible, that Jasmine was a chapter of life that had agreed to be the last chapter that would allow the continuation of an incomplete story from 2000 years ago. And the trek that I thought I was on, which was fully embodying God, the real purpose behind it, was not what I thought it was. I thought I’d embody God’s love fully, help people who were interested in their own journey home and chill like so many enlightened people do.

Throughout the spring and summer, I was shedding Jazz’s desires, her identities and her projected ideals of what her future would look like, in cycles. And it was happening very quickly.

I remembered me, as the human, me as the Jazz. Tough as nails, but as silly and sweet as candy I tell ya’. I was full of hugs, but also……I was motivated to get ish’ done, and to get it done well. If I wanted something, I’d narrow in on my focus, I didn’t give two fucks how long it would take to accomplish my mission, but I was getting the job done. Jazz was a BEAST at productivity.

Jazz wanted a house, a very specific house for like many years. Many many many years. This was my (Jazz’s) vision that I would doodle in every notebook or make a vision board, or do some silly meditation over.

A beach house, four bedrooms at least, open floor plan double deck attached to the master and first floor, extra space to build a dance studio for a stripper pole. And don’t forget the little studio to record music with all of my favorite recording artists that I’d one day collab with. Or how about the pool table that I’ll look at and hang a beer chandelier over, but I’ll probably never play pool, just watch my friends play. I wanted to see glass in my house. A lot of it. Ceiling to floor windows overlooking the Pacific. Add some Buddhist chants and coffee to go along with the sunrise in the morning and you are good to go. I mean this is what I talked about with anybody that knew me…..for years.

And now, here I am. 33, naked from the past, and the whole house thing, well, it’s not really a thing anymore.

Let’s change the subject to another desire I had. I think about the absolute love of my life awakening. I love that mother fucker so much, Judas, I love em’, I really really do, he’d laugh to still hear me call him by his per name, mother fucker :-). I imagined Judas somehow just, getting it, catapulting towards me with his own God realizations, not because I even guided him in that direction. For a year, I imagined him finally allowing his mental blocks to start to crumble. I imagined the fear, his internal conflict just dissipating into thousands of years of healed karma, and just becoming the love, the God that he is and directing all of that love, that God, towards himself, and the selfish add on, to me of course.

I used to think about it, I used to want it. I used to wonder why it was taking so long. Needless to say, I was entrenched with desire, just like the next person. And it ain’t nothin’ wrong with playing the game of desires.

But now, when it comes to desiring any of it.

I got nothing.

I’m all empty.

Now I don’t mean those basic desires, like getting dressed and eating food. Heehee. But lets even take that example. The specifics, like, what to wear, or what to eat. Anything that takes up extra thoughts, I just don’t go there often and I’m surprised! I really loved food and had desires, a lot of them. I loved Mai Tai’s and I desired them too, often.

Anyways, I still think about the house, I still think about Judas in a way of watching him awaken and being with him, but it’s not out of desire. It’s like watching a clip of a movie, and having warm thoughts as it passes through my awareness. It’s me watching, what exists in the nonphysical, and watching it past through. I really feel the love right here, as me with all of that being a part of me although its not grab-able.

Scary. It really is. Not bad scary though.

It’s like the scary in The Matrix when Neo wakes up suddenly from the Matrix and becomes unplugged, the look on his face, it’s like he’s coming through the birth canal. Being reborn. That kinda scary.

It reminds me of the years and years of listening to Law of Attraction material, how once you don’t want a thing anymore, that’s when it comes to you. I used to really really try to convince the universe that I so didn’t want that thing. A relationship, more money, recognition etc, and yet every week, or month, I’d check the calendar, wondering why that thing that I didn’t want anymore wasn’t here yet. I really didn’t get, that in all of that law of attraction stuff, what they were talking about what happens during the enlightenment process. You become a masterful manifestor, perhaps, but with little desire. And that is exactly the point. You can manifest things quite quickly, and yet the burning nag and need to have, has gone. And further I should add, is because of the details of what you wanted are completely let go of, when it comes back, it comes back as the highest and best energetically. It isnt even maybe a house at all, but still an energetic match to God’s highest plan for your life.

It is good news. Not to the human, but to the real me. To the human zeroing in on desire felt unnatural. That’s why it felt like dying. Thats why it felt sad or like some sort of a loss.

Now to the really good news.

I’ve got one desire that I’m full of. My desire is to help humanity awaken. I don’t desire the other things I mentioned, but I also don’t not desire them either. What it is, is there’s just this lack of putting any energetic investment into caring one way or the other. I have no interest in using any mental space to desire outside of…..being what i am.


What I desire is that one thing. It’s alive and fiery in its passion. I know what a desire feels like, and none of the other stuff feels remotely close to the desire to become God in a body, the desire to become The Christ, to further aid the world in waking itself up. To act as God always through this body. To allow love to radiate out of me continuously with no end.

And another necessary mention is even that desire must be let go of. It’s still the ego keeping the game of want going.

Now I realize I’m in the emptying stage right now. My focus is on love, my focus is becoming the Christ. Once the ball gets rolling, I’m sure the humaness to some degree will smoothly integrate back. Maybe, Maybe not. This is all as new to me as it may be to some of you. But, I’m open.

Things may be different, but this process that I’m going through is very human. I did not have five angels appear to me one day to tell me “Oh you are so divine, you’ve decided to become The Christ in this life time aid the world in saving itself.” I found out on a bathroom floor in San Clemente California.

I’m ordinary. Although I do not suffer anymore, I’m still very human. I still have sadness. I still have the full range of emotion. You still do as God.

What I do know is that this is the path of my life’s mission.

Some parts of this journey have been a little scary, because its new, as a forgotten God, it feels new. As a human, it feels new. And this is a new development. This no desirey thingy.

I do know that following the God of me and letting the rest be, is what’s right for me. I sit for a moment, and feel in for the one thing that keeps this going. And it’s the peace of God. Still there, furiously there, and growing each day.

Thank you for letting me share with you just another part of my journey:-).

Giving up everything for Dummies

What I’m getting at is, I know when we talk about this stuff, it can all sound very Shakespearean and poetic, making little relational sense, and the reason is, that words can only go so far, to explain all encompassing existence that precedes all words.

Feel me?

We are trying to, in truth, break down oneness to explain it. But the moment you break it down, it ain’t oneness no mo’. So we do the best we can with what we got, which is words. And we do this until you have something better, which is, your own experiences that will replace any explanation that could be given to you through words.

As this process has, lets say….intensified for me, one repetitive thing keeps popping up. It keeps popping up because its being brought to my attention that it needs to be revisited. The concept in enlightenment of giving up everything, is a concept known to many through out the stories of Jesus, the stories of The Buddha, and their teachings. They were avid mentioners of how necessary it is to Give up everything for God, or in the Buddhas case, for the mind to become empty of perceptions, to remove suffering to obtain Buddhahood or more commonly referred to as enlightenment.

Right below, here is a diagram that I made that tried to describe on paper the mind of a normal, unawakened human being. We will call this “the attachment chart”. It is a simple, generalized pie chart, to represent the attachments of the mind. I’m doing my best to oversimplify this explanation to make a point. I also get an excuse to act 9 years old, and color. Yippee!

As you can see, I have sections of the mind. titled, Career, Religion, Family, Marriage etc. Each section is larger, smaller or about the same size as another. The larger the space that is taken up within the attachment chart, the more heavily possessed the mind is to be attached to that particular category. Each human beings mind attachment chart will be unique to that particular person. In this chart you can see that the person has the deepest attachments to family and marriage as many people do. The point is not in the details of what the person is attached, the point is that in this diagram, the minds master in an unawakened normal human being, is the ego and not God. All attachment of any kind or causes suffering. In other words, the ego causes suffering, and the ego is what is running the show for the majority of human beings. The list goes on and on to the things that that a person is attached to typically. As you can see in the picture, I only included eight categories.

Now lets look at what happens when you start to go through the process of God realization, the process of enlightenment. The process, of becoming The Christ. Your mind becomes empty of all the human “stuff” first.

Now we’ve got a mind, that has some empty space now. Finally, the suffering starts to let up a bit after all those damn years! Can I get a hello, Amen, Hallelujah? We are makin’ progress. In the empty space, what used to be there, was an attachment to a car, a house, career, body and religion, but now thats missing. Now half of the mind has empty space in it. Once the mind becomes empty, this is what happens. You reach half christ mind, half human mind (for purposes of explaining I’m making this explanation very black and white). See below 50% Christ Mind Chart.

Or maybe more like 48% Christ mind because my lines are crooked.

What happens after your mind starts to empty is, God, like a rushing river that can’t be stopped, floods into your mind and into that empty space. This process is actually quite physical. the moment you detach from from the nagging need to have something, or you cleanse a fearful perception, or you un-cling to something you used to cling to, eventually you will be able to feel the emptying happen in your mind and your body and you feel God rush in. And the further you go into the removing the attachments of this world, the fears etc, the more intensified the emptying and God rushing in like a river to fill in the empty space becomes.

So does it mean that the person that goes through this process actually loses their car, house, family and religion etc? Whether they did or didn’t lose these things physically, is irrelevant to the point. If you are sincerely on this Christ journey, you ain’t pondering the answer to that question, or even really asking the question. Cause if we ask the question, then it means we still care which means they still have an attachment to outcome.

Anyways, to answer the question, it’s the attachment to the car, house, family and religion that was lost. In some cases the physical thing leaves and comes back later, in other cases things do not come back, in other cases it never leaves. What is always a part of the process, is the person was completely willing to surrender it all up. Let me repeat that. An unavoidable part of becoming The Christ is you must be completely willing to surrender it all up. And as a result of this, what leaves is your desire to have it one way over the other. As you barrel down into this process, your desire is to have God, to know God and lastly to become God. That desire replaces all other desires.

Now look at the last diagram here is ultimately what happens when you become God. When you Become the Christ. You go from the process of “emptying” out all of the egoic attachments and delusions to being completely filled with God, with truth.

You become whole for the first time.

God is not separate from “everything”, You are removing the illusion of everything as a human, for the truth of everything as God.

And when this happens, everything in truth, comes back as truth.

You experience your children as the truth, as God, as you, rather than your children that take on a temporary, impermanent form thats a part of this illusionary world.

You experience your mate as the truth, as God, rather than the temporary form that they are inhabiting in a body in an illusionary world.

You experience your house, your car, as an impermanent form thats something to appreciate and enjoy within the illusion, but you have no attachment to whether it’s here or not here.

If you have reached this level of realization, you have become the Christ, as Jesus. You have become the Buddha as Siddhartha did, (that’s the Buddha’s real name).

You have taken the little itty bitty humaness that you were living from your entire life, that 1% and you’ve integrated that into the oneness, the wholeness, the other infinite 99% of you, the God you.


Yes and no.

It’s the hardest thing to remove yourself from what was never real, and yet it is the most natural thing you could ever do. Simple, and natural yes. But it ain’t easy.

The journey of becoming the Christ takes all of your attention, all of your commitment, and all of your focus. You can not half step the Christ journey and expect to become enlightened.

You are either in illusion, or your are the Christ. The mind cannot have two masters. It’s ego or God, not both.

This is not to scare you, or rush you even, this is to share the true meaning of what it is to give up everything.

So where am I?

I’m in the process of wringing out the towel. Meaning theres some emptying still happening, but we are nearing empty at this point. And once the emptying has occurred.

The Christ within will awaken fully.

And heres the fun part. You don’t become a Christ, then you wave your arms and say game over and give out hugs and smiles for the rest of your life.

Enlightened beings are all at different levels of enlightenment. There is no ceiling, no finish line to God and living as God through the body. Just like anything else, the Christ journey is expanding, enlightenment is expanding.

So to sum it up….

Now lets talk about what everything really is in this case.

We are gonna take this to another level.

The everything that you are asked to give up, is the “human everything” that you are attached to. That human everything, is the illusion of “everything”.

What you are being asked to give up in truth,

is nothing.

In truth, you are giving up nothing (what was never real), for everything, what’s eternal. And before I get carried away again, I’ll leave you with this.

Nothing real can be threatened

Nothing Unreal Exists

Herein lies the peace of God. T-In.2:1-4

Homelessness Never Looked So Good

Who knew I could learn so much in two weeks

Here’s what has been my new found awareness. People that are homeless, especially people that had been kicking around doing the homeless thing for quite some time, are some resourceful ass mofo’s.

I met Bear first. This was just before my homeless journey. I was sitting quietly waiting to be seen by one of the staff members at the “Family Assistance Ministries”, and I’m not sure who chatted up who first, but before you know it, Bear and I were buddies.

This guy was scruffy, and his hands looked like sand paper. It looked like he had used his fingers, like more than I thought was possible to ever use your hands and fingers. Bear had these piercing bright eyes, that looked like he knew something I didn’t. He started off by telling me his wild adventures of having a Black bear, like literally a bear, as a best friend for 6 years after many years in the circus.

It gets better.

He ran away from the circus because his girlfriend got pregnant. This guy had stories, and I was ready to listen to all of em’.

You see this cane here? He points down.

He held out this smoothly carved cane for me to witness with my eyes to confirm its au natural beauty.

I see it! 

I said, probably speaking too loud, doing that whole he’s older, so maybe he can’t hear judgement thingy that people do out of habit to older people.

Well I hand carved this baby myself. I sell em’ all around town. I’ve actually sold about 30 since last Christmas. Everybody knows me around here, even all the way over in the Filipines they are buyin’ muh canes.

He was on a roll, so I let him go on for however long.

Ya know, why pay 100 on the beach they all say when you can get a handmade one for 40 dollars?

That’s BEAR KANES I call em’, and I’m on Facebook.

That’s B-E-A-R…. he was spelling it out now.

As he slouched over and I listened with A Course in Miracles sitting in my lap, (my faithful companion), we waited our turn to be seen, as he continued, this guy knew everything about everything. He was a homeless person Guru and homeless himself. He was resourceful, way more resourceful than me. He wasn’t depressed, and he wasn’t unhappily homeless. His consciousness was up there. He was free. It was a clear moment of unraveling a little bit of my personal homelessness stereotype that I had acquired over my 33 years.

Catch ya’ around out there.

 I wave to Bear and I was on my way.

I left that day, not with a place to stay, but a head full of insight and a heart full of wonder.

Let the Homelessness Begin

As I write this, it’s been however many days since the last day in the house on the 21st. Surprisingly, we’ve spent only about half of them in the car. That wasn’t as many as I expected. My friend Sabryna and her family graciously gave us a place to crash for a few nights, and my aunt and my friend Michael got us a hotel stay for several nights as well.


There were obvious inconveniences. Like all the things I’d never really given thought to before.

Being on your way somewhere and then going: Oh shit never mind, and stopping home to use the bathroom!  Well, more like: time to find the nearest Walmart so that I can use the bathroom and might as well bring my toothpaste and toothbrush with me! Showering is also an eight mile drive. Womp womp.

And what if its 2am and you have to pee in the middle of the night? .

You get the picture.

Then there is needing to use your phone like its your laptop for everything. For whatever reason, I can’t charge anything in my car, so it took a few days to figure out which playgrounds have outlets and bathrooms. So far, I found one that has both, so, we go there…a lot. We’ve become playground, library, Mcdonald’s play center junkies. The kids are happy about that. But the play center’s don’t have outlets because of people like me!

The biggest inconvenience is actually flattening out the back of the car and removing alllllll the bags and groceries out of the trunk and piling them to the passenger’s seat each night so we can sleep in the back part of the car trunk. Then every morning, taking allllllll the bags from the passenger’s seat, fixing the back seats back to normal position and putting the roll up mattress away and bags back into the trunk! It takes an hour! Fuck me.

The Godvice Being Sent my way

The direct information from God no ego influence, or what I call the Godvice. Relaying the truth had become my life, and expressing this truth was my full time job now. The direction was clear. I would not use my time for making money any longer. I would not enter some work program, or hurry up and get a job to afford rent somewhere. I was completely willing to, like I mentioned, reactivate my nursing license months before and work. But the moment I became willing to work, the answer came in that I would not work.

Say wha?

You heard.


I couldn’t lie, it felt like the truth, although I didn’t know the, How Momma gonna pay the bills if she ain’t workin’ answer, but with God, I never knew the “how” at first.

I did know that it felt true.

It felt like the Triflin’ Troof.

As I continued to say yes yes yes to the Godvice, the next set of instructions was…interesting. Each Homeless resource center I went to, I had to tell them the truth the whole troof’ and nothing but the troof’. The whole part about me going through this “God in a body transformation” So imagine how that could go.

::::::::whistle blows and someone yells “302, we need a 302 and straight jacket for this lady, she’s claiming she’s God in a Body and homeless because of it”::::::::::

That actually happened in my family, not to me, but we’ll save THAT for another time!

Anyway, I roll up to the Peace Center at the Saddleback church in Lake Forest. This absolutely massive campus, not what you would imagine when you hear the word “church.”

I finally get my appointment after several days with the appointed resource person for homelessness. A kind guy, teddy bear looking kinda’ guy, I’ll call him John. Comes to greet me in the waiting room.

He introduces himself.

You have to forgive me, I’ve been out for family matters for some time, and I’m just getting back to the swing of things.

Oh what a great time this will be for him, I secretly thought.

 I was curious to see the reaction, this was one of my first, “Hi nice to meet you, busy becoming god in a body, because I’ve got a job to do, its called saving the world” introductions to a stranger, and I was curious to see how that would be taken up.

He was curious, baffled but had questions that matched his interest.

To my utter surprise.

So, ya know my wife, she mentions that the Holy Spirit talks to her all the time. I gotta’ admit I just must not be a good listener. So what is it like, when that happens?

I was, over the moon to describe the ins and outs of “how God talks to us, and God is us, we’ve just gotta realize this all over again” stuff.

Hey this is going better than I expected, I thought to myself.

Well honestly Jazz, what you are doing, I’ve gotta’ say, it takes a lot of courage, and not many people are willing to fully surrender to God the way you are. But when it comes to qualifying for a place to take you in…..

He didn’t have to finish, I already knew the rest.

I knew my being there had noting to do with finding a place to live. I was sent there to was to say it out loud. To walk in there, to be fearless, and tell them what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. That I had giving up everything in my life, just about, in order to follow God’s Will.

And here is the other reason.

As I continued to make phone call after phone call. I called homeless resource hotline  211 from my phone  they would direct me to a place, say, Fam Assistance Ministries a place that has a transitional living spot or somewhere else. So I called, or I’d show up. Here is how it went.

Sorry we are all filled up.

Sorry we don’t take children over the age of ___

sorry we don’t take children at all.

sorry you have to be employed.

Sorry sorry sorry. but everybody I mean everybody had a referral to give you, a database of homeless resource numbers, which happened to be the people you already spoke to the hour before that said they are full. It was clear to me, that I was being sent to these resource places, not to actually find a place to live, but to have a clear idea of just how sparse resources are for finding people a bed to sleep in if you are homeless.

Phone calls

I pick up the phone for my weekly check in phone call with Life coach Leah.

Hey Leah, sorry my connection is bad in here!

Life coach Leah was someone around August that I had met in that appointed God kind of way that I mentioned. We met to originally be life coach accountability partners but within the first conversation, she mentioned she worked at a homeless shelter, and she also mentioned God, a lot. She didn’t know about my journey and how there were homeless projects that I knew I’d be working on in the future. When I met her, I had no idea I’d end up homeless myself actually, but I knew me meeting her had a lot more to do with some upcoming plans and projects that we’d be finding ourselves working on together. 

At that point I had updated her, about my blog, and my own personal homelessness. She’d been there for progress updates each Monday since August. Life Coach goals became more like having one Goal for me. Following the Will of God, so my updates were pretty unpredictable. She expected as much.

And so yeah, that’s’ pretty much whats been going on in my week, I pace back and forth trying to get an okay signal at the YMCA,

Wow Jazz so in order to see how things were in Orange County, in order to venture into working on homelessness in OC you had to actually become homeless. You had to become it! It makes so much sense!

It was also becoming crystal clear, just how pertinent actually becoming homeless was to this transformation I was undergoing. I needed to know how things are, by becoming educated by it. And in order to be educated by it, I needed to live it.

As last week came to a close, I rounded the week up with a phone call to aunt Helen.


Yo Jazz.

Just for the record, how does any conversation start in a normal way ever again? I chuckled to Auntie.

She laughed, yeah exactly, it goes something like this. 

So Jazz, How’s the homelessness going?

I reply already halfway into a hysterical laugh.

Funny you should ask. Homelessness never looked so good on me. 

As we simultaneously crack back howling in cackles barely able to catch our breath from the sudden burst of laughter. She adds in, 

That’s it, we are getting t-shirts made with two thumbs pointing towards you that say:

“Homeless Never looked So Good”

I was just about the say the same thing. I’ll order the t-shirts  in bulk cause Homelessness just became a “thang”.

We were done. 3,000 miles away from each other and yet falling over in laughter at a joke that not a single soul would understand if they overheard our harmless but hairy humor.

The truth was, this wasn’t a sad time. Not for me, or my family.

The truth was in our laughter, in all of our smiles.

I’d actually never felt so spiritually boundless, and so curious as to what would become of me, and of this rebellious trek. Homelessness had acquired such a terrible stigma, and it didn’t have to be dreary.

 The Surprise

Each night in the car, as I lay my head down, and squish my large body to the side of the car to try to give the kids as much room as possible. I wait to hear their peaceful snoring and stare up at the greasy cars ceiling from all the times the boys smear their chicken fingered hands on it.

Is this as “bad” as it gets? I remembered the fear of sleeping in the car playing in my head over and over again all of September once I knew that being evicted would be the next step in the becoming God in a body process and surrendering up the rest. I remember the fearful sensations in my body that I felt that would play like a broken record ever so often. They were for brief moments luckily, but the sensations were awful.

But then there I was, staring up at the ceiling as our hot breath fogged up the car windows. Living it. Where were those sensations? Where was the fear that would greet me from time to time? The little bit that I had, was gone. The minds version of this was way worse than my worse fear coming to life in realtime.

 And isn’t that how it always is?

When our minds dig into the worst case scenario. We live it like it’s here, (and in that moment it is here, in the ether, happening), and the fear, the shame and the guilt we feel is always way worse, compared to when the perceived catastrophe actually happens. It dawned on me, that if I was able to take on homelessness with an open heart, and fearlessly, what else could I be capable of?

 Oh shit, wait, God, don’t answer that yet. Give me a few days.

Homelessness just became a lot more valuable than I ever thought it was before. It just showed me what I’m made of.

I’m one solid mother fucker.

Who am I anyway? that’s right. A very very old soul.

A solid God particle that’s on her last “lifetime”.

I also learned that homelessness wasn’t nearly as dreadful as the stigma of it.

Or at least it didn’t have to be.

 It has to be God, otherwise, this shit don’t make sense. This story don’t make no sense. No one willingly volunteers themselves and their family to be homeless right? What could be fueling that? It sounds like insanity till you realize it isn’t. It was always a part of the plan. Of my plan. It had to be a part of this Rebel’s journey to Enlightenment. It had to be. I get it now.

It has to be God.

And all of it is.

A friend in Need

My heart wants to write about this today.

I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of love, a lot of help, and even encouragement. To be in this position, to be the receiver of all of this, has been very healing for me. I had past stories in my mind for years that I allowed to still follow me. Back in Jasmine’s early days of adulthood, the help I was used to from others, in my mind usually came with strings. It came with rules, expectation, and control.

And this time around, I had a very different experience.

The Unconditional Help

There was a crew of people that I was surrounded by, I don’t know how it turned out that way, I actually do know, but lucky me. A crew of people that knew some of the in’s and out’s of what I was experiencing, because of their own Christ journey. They know that becoming the love of God is no easy feat, and it requires 100% commitment. A crew that knew that it takes a very strong determination to do what I’m doing. A crew that sees the willingness to be homeless as as a part of the plan as strength, not weakness or misfortune. Most of these people I met later in life, but one or two were family.

The Officer

I have to mention this lovely guy.

This officer went well out of his way, to let us stay in the house for 5 days after our lockout. Then, after us moving, he went well out of his way to make many phone calls on our behalf, to get us some information about shelter resources. He even took his work phone home with him each night, and continued to communicate with me several days after leaving the house. Forreal? I landed an angel.

My Family and Friends

I’ve pulled aunt Helen into this journey whether she liked it or not maybe almost a year ago, because I knew sooner or later, she’d catch on, and she has. She’s been one of my biggest cheerleaders, comedians and filling in any gaps with proactively taking the steering wheel and inserting assistance where she thought I could use it. No judgement towards me, just support on the phone. Me so lucky.

You’ve got my other buddy who hooked me up with my membership to the YMCA, for showers and workouts. A dear friend of mine since I moved to California 6 years ago. Deuces to you my friend.

Then there is my friend Sabryna and my sister Angela. I sometimes plug away at life, and I forget to stop and really ask for assistance. With these two, I never had to even ask over the last few weeks. It wasn’t a “let me know if you need anything,” or a “poor you, you must be so stressed out”.

It was more like a…

I support you, and I’m sending you money for gas, here is my house for a few days, I’m babysitting for free, we are coming to help you move.

They were just there, no questions asked, both of them.

My Ministerial Teacher and Group

This dear woman, I hope she doesn’t mind me calling her CJ here, has been there. She said to me the other week,

I knew from meeting you that the two of us have work to do together. I’m honored to be your mentor, and I am dedicated to you.

Her willingness to support my family has been, completely gracious. Max and Xander had the opportunity to go to one of the members son’s birthday parties. I had to be at the Agape International that day in Beverly Hills, so CJ was willing to be their chaperone for the party.

A few weeks ago over lunch, CJ gazes at me

If you are okay with this, I would like to throw a little birthday party for the boys.

So last weekend after class, the group surprises Max and Xander with a little birthday party. Cake, presents, and playtime. The twins were beside themselves.

Dude where do these people even come from?

Oh that’s right,


Instead of feeling sorry, or bad for me. They noticed, the peace, the laughs, and the obvious strength that I was exuding from my “situation” which is not really a situation, it just is and the isness of it is a part of my God in a body process.

Unconditionally Giving Because It’s all God.

There is a different kind of help, that is not the same kind of help as the first one. I remember this funny scene from Nursing School. One of my professors was clear to mention,

Please don’t become that Nurse that is inching her back towards the exit door of the patients room and she says, “Well, let me know if you need anything.” Rather than her saying “Tell me what I can do to help?”

There is a huge difference between the two statements.

Or what about this kind of help?

Oh I feel bad that you are in this situation, so i need to help you.

Back in the day, I would’ve been the first one to give a homeless person money, because i felt “sorry” for them.

When this happens, we are giving from a place of guilt, a place of seeing the other person as suffering, and not whole. We are clearly not seeing them as God or anywhere near God, if we feel sorry for them. If we don’t see another through this God lens, then we can’t know ourselves as God either.

Once you open your eyes, you look around and you see life. When you see life and replace the word life with God. You move through the scenes of God without your own value judgements, of what is fortunate and misfortunate. It is all neutral, neither good nor bad. You see God, experiencing God through different scenes, different forms, and different experiences. All temporary, all impermanent, and ever-changing.

You see God as God experiencing homelessness.

You see God as God experiencing losing a job.

You see God as God experiencing God as even losing a child.

It is all God.

All of it.

And when the pain is there, when it just feels so unloving to call these events in life….God, thats okay too. Sometimes the truth of God can be seen as very unloving to person who is suffering. And thats understandable on every level. It could mean that the truth should be laid aside for awhile….

But back to what I was saying, us as people can choose to see a world apart from God as long as we choose to.

You can still choose to see an incomplete world.

You can choose to still see someone’s circumstances as unfortunate and feel sorry for them.

You can choose to not see the truth.

You can always choose to not see God in yourself and another.

It’s irrelevant to whether that person that you are looking at, knows their true God nature or not, or the truth in what they are experiencing. But it’s you, seeing them clearly for who they really are as they experience being homeless, being diagnosed with cancer, or losing all of their life savings.

The information that they are nothing less than the love of God is for us to know, and for us to keep. That knowledge is given to us for us to treat them from a place of unlimitedness, non judgement, expansion, and light.

Without the value judgements, and stepping into naked awareness towards another, the projections we place on what another is experiencing; what replaces this is a deepened respect. A respect in knowing that God in another is experiencing what it desires to experience whether consciously or unconsciously.

As you are giving to another from this space of no obligation, and no conditions and seeing another for who they really are…

You are directly and immediately giving to yourself.

The friends and family I have mentioned have completely mastered unconditional giving. The art of giving and receiving being one. It’s a secret that most people think is one of those sing-alongs that have no meaning. Even the bible has some truth that you can’t misinterpret.

Do unto others as you would yourself.

Love you neighbor as yourself.

Or this beautiful piece from ACIM.

When you meet anyone remember it is a holy encounter

As you see him you will see yourself.

As you treat him you will treat yourself.

As you think of him you will think of yourself.

Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself, or lose yourself. A Course in Miracles, T-8.III.P-9:1

Literally in this experience, They saw themselves as me, and me as themselves.

Envision a world on the foundation of each individual projecting self empowerment onto the world? Imagine seeing everyone as whole, and seeing the human experience as an endless river, that has different currents, speeds, currents and curriculums? Yet…

It’s just one ever flowing river.

All integrated, overlapping and continuous.

It always comes back to this.

There is only one of us here.