Wanting to Connect, But No one Understands

One thing that has continued to follow me in this journey, is as things became more intense, more unique, and closer to the truth in this awakening process, my ego wanted to find someone, anyone who understands what the self is going through. The journey towards enlightenment or a journey back to enlightenment one could say, started like any other spiritual awakening process. Years ago, being more sensitive towards others, caring a little more about the environment and eating healthy, and starting to grasp the concept of “we create our own reality.” Now I want to point out, that 10 years ago, the spiritual awakening process was still within the strong limits of the personal “ego” self, it almost becomes more tricky, because now you think you’ve “arrived”, when you go through an awakening. Many get stuck, in the ‘spiritual teacher’ phase of the awakening process, I did too for a while. A person in this phase becomes unteachable, and they do not further progress because of their belief that they’ve arrived at their destination. With the personal self still in the front of the driver’s seat, it is still very much a dualistic journey at that point, and it stays that way for quite a while. It stayed that way for me for a while.

But as my journey intensified, the people that I would have been called ‘more awake’ I started to not connect as smoothly with. So I started searching everywhere and I mean everywhere. Spiritual Meetups, Course in Miracles groups etc. I often would meet people in the spiritual world for much longer than I had been, people in their 50’s and 60’s. They appeared to have quite a bit of contextual knowledge, but when it came to experiences, well they just weren’t having the same intense, ego death, a two by four slammed me in the back of my head, experiences. Now keep in mind, I’m getting at all good experiences here, but INTENSE.

Now understand that at that time, my need to connect came from the personal self, but who could blame me? I had been me, as Jazz for 33 years, and thousands of years before that I had been a separated aspect of God living in a body, the forgotten God living as a human for who knows how many lifetimes. And in a matter of an intense 8 months, all of that humanistic identification was shedding off of me. Now I had experiences such as seeing distinct past lives of mine that were still relevant to the life that I was living now, (I will explain that at some point down the road.) I was able to see aspects of the future in the “now”. Things that I couldn’t possible know was coming, I knew that I was now pivoted in the direction of a particular outcome in my life as well as others. My five senses became more pronounced, my physiological sensations changed as my body would increases its energy capacity. I would shake some nights from the intense surges of energy radiating up and down my spine. I couldn’t help but walk around with a heart so full of love and empty of all fear.

But no matter where I turned, I couldn’t find anyone to lean on, even just a little. So then I became focused on ‘finding a teacher’, someone, anyone who had been on this journey for longer than I had, that could hold space for me with what I was experiencing. Every time I thought I’d met someone, I quickly realized that I was the one mainly teaching them. And not to say that I didn’t learn anything from them, it is just the dynamics of the relationship were not what I was hoping for. All I felt was peace all the time, and yet my friends/family still ping-ponged with good days and bad days of course. Their conversations often still circled around “and can you believe what she said? I mean what would you do if you were in my situation?” All of my answers would circle around compassion, forgiveness and the craziest part was I sincerely MEANT it. This often would cause confusion/disconnection especially to those that knew me before. Another thing I tried out, was telling a few family members that I knew had a deeper sense of Spirit in their journey. But because they were so heavily identified with me being the younger family member or grandchild, etc, their ability to receive information from me in order to create a space of resonance was mainly blocked. Not for all, but some.

In addition to that, I would share something really profound to me, this was all new to me so I was like a kid in the candy store especially in the beginning. and maybe even quite exciting to me that had happened and their reaction would be completely flat and unenthused. There was this sense of “you aren’t telling me anything I haven’t already been through” kind of vibe, yet you could tell by there lackluster expression, that they hadn’t been through it. The moment that I would sense that vibe coming from the person, I’d quickly realize that there would never be any words to pull them in to believe me. I admit I became a bit disheartened each time that that would occur. I found myself for a while, picking up the phone less, and speaking less to people I knew. I felt so alone for a few months. I felt so happy, yet alone and even guilty at times for my pure, newly innocent way of feeling and viewing the world. Some thought maybe I was suppressing how I really felt, and I couldn’t help but feel tempted to reassure them that, no, I just only felt peace now. Of course this is not relatable and reassurance can become a draining process.

What happened next...

Was I realized that this is the new me. and although the layers continue to peel off, and I go through some sort of a rebirth every few weeks, I could no longer silently pretend to still view the world as the other Jazz. I realized that in my explanations, less is more. So now I use less words, and more emissions of silent joy, smiles, and understanding. With family and friends, I pick up the phone less, I see them less, but the nonphysical care is more pure, and the level of peace I feel towards them is heightened and stable. I am always very sensitive now to make sure compassion is sensed from every space through and me even in silence.

I had to realize that being there for others God Realization journey is my life purpose. Aiding people in their own personal trek to ending their own suffering is my life purpose. Keeping close friendships and relationships with family is now an identification that is less important to me. I can stay connected but no longer have the same identity within those relationships that I used to. I let go of my personal guilt and I feel free now. I no longer need anyone to understand what is happening to me, because this is my journey, and they simply cannot understand a journey that I was meant to experience, in this body…. alone. I couldn’t find a leader or a teacher, because I was supposed to come to the realization, that I am leading myself, I am my own teacher. I go into more detail about healing that here https://arebelsjourneytoenlightenment.com/2019/09/26/jesus-wants-you-to-leave-him-behind/

If You are Like Me

If you are feeling lonely in your awakening process, it is safe to say that this is normal. You will connect with people, heal and then ascend to a new level of consciousness and then find a new way to relate to those relationships, or not. The choice will be yours. This is an emerging process within the enlightenment journey until you stop identifying closeness with old identities that you used to be a part of. Luckily, you can remain close without being physically close. This takes time, to detach from the old self and make peace with the God that you are. You are God in a body relating to your God self in others. This becomes primary over being a daughter, a mother, and friend. You may participate in parental duties and always from a space of love, but you realize that you are someone much more beyond any temporary identification that has been placed on you. It is normal to have guilt during this process of undoing. When you reach this level, this is what you have to count on. The few stories like this that can help you to not feel alone. I am here for you, and it does get easier and brighter. Awakening is usually a gentle process, and it is for reasons like this. It takes many many levels of adjustments throughout the ascension process and it doesn’t usually happen in a few months. All is well. You are exactly where you should be in your journey.

Breaking Down The Enlightenment Stereotype

A lot of these subjects intersected and overlapped. There are so many misnomers about enlightenment, thanks to the wonderful ego of todays planet. What I hope to accomplish in this blog and eventual book, is to provide a platform of bringing even more light to the subject. No enlightenment is not something that happens to “special” people, or only men, or only people who give up their family and all possessions.  It is not a hard set rule that enlightenment takes years to achieve. Everything I mentioned above, has to do with action orientation or “doingness”, enlightenment, is always about beingness. Consciousness is expanding at a rapid speed. Everything is speeding up. Just a bit over a 100 years ago, we communicated through writing letters, now you can facetime Grandma on Christmas, watch netflix, and cook mac and cheese all at the same time. You can look at enlightenment as a sacred symbol for the eternal self which is GOD. This God self is what we all possess and it simply is, any word added to the word GOD, lessens the meaning. God simply IS. And yes, we are all one, there is only one of us really here, and we take the journey to enlightenment in our illusionary bodies when our eternally expressed “self” decides to. It gets pretty trippy, and that’s the thing about words attempting to explain life. They are only symbols, and they will attempt to explain something that can only truly be experienced. But what this blog can have  a shot of doing, is break down the pre-conceived paradigms that can in a sense block someone’s understanding of what Enlightenment/God- realization  is all about. You are already God, you just haven’t come to realization of this truth just yet. I said it. Yep. I will say it again. You are God.  The only difference is the realization of your God Self  hasn’t been brought into your awareness just yet.

If you do make it through this blog, and do not throw your laptop across the wall in anger or confusion, as you read, you will realize that in many parts of the book, the words are symbols that represent information that you will remember on a cellular level. You will feel a peculiar surge of not conceptually knowing how it could be right what I’m saying, but you will feel like the truth being spoken here is truer than anything you’ve been told in the past. That is because most of what you have been told about enlightenment and life have not been accurate. And I will take it a step further and tell you that enlightenment and life mean the same thing. You are currently living in a dream, a dream that appears to be very real. Enlightenment is the process of waking from the dream to realize that you are life itself, you are God, and all this time you were simply pretending not be.

I want to leave this post as a general overview. Consider this post an introduction to many more subdivisions of the Enlightenment stereotype that we will cover in the future. This for now, is me painting the canvas, one color to circle back and revisit more of this subject in greater depth later on, creating a much more robust portrait.

And so it Begins…

When you realize you are God, you become the world.

When you realize you are God, you become the World.

This is the first post on my new blog. This is all about the journey I began, and the journey I continue to be on. This is for anyone who has been curious of what enlightenment, God-realization really is. This is for anyone who has ever felt deep down, that there is a power in them that they cannot explain, or put into words, yet, they do not feel powerful. This is for anyone mildly curious even to read about someone who took a journey back to the only thing that truly exists. Inner peace. As I began my awakening and the journey intensified, I did not find a ton of personal first-hand resources about enlightenment.

And because of this, this blog was born.

Update: The origination of this blog is a funny story. August 2019, I was instructed to start a blog and “just write”. The information of the real purpose of this blog didn’t come into my awareness until several blog posts in. This blog is intended to account for the specifics of my personal transformation that I’ve been through over the last year and everything preceding up to this past year. The second purpose is to inform you all and continue to update you all of what’s ahead for all of that are called to stay informed

It is going to be a real funky time.

It is Nice to Remember You

Where to begin? I will give you a brief intro to me. As time goes on, I expect my blogs to really partially introduce me to you. It is funner that way. Who really wants to listen to someone’s bio? Meh. Basically my life was always a non-traditional one. Everything from my upbringing, to my unusual sensitivity coupled with my desire to REBEL everything. I have three children, and it is me raising them. I live in California, but originally, I am from the tough streets of Philly. Well not so tough considering I lived in a Suburb pretty much. Why I tell you all of this is there is nothing about my personality, my childhood, or my life now that screams “Poster Child for Enlightenment” This is important to understand. As you read, I will fill in the blanks to this Rebellious road I took to end up with the view of the world and me that I have today. What I want you to know is that I very well may be just like you, maybe a little nuttier (most likely). We are remembering each other right now. Let’s take a journey, down the Rebel’s Road to Enlightenment.